yoshke.com

Status: Way better.
Music:  Feelin’ So Good | Jennifer Lopez

The past few weeks have been a bitch-ass on me. I struggled with tonsilitis, giving me hellish fever and excruciating time eating. For two weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed. The only time I went out of the house was when I decided to see a doctor. After all, this was my fourth tonsilitis this year and my usual meds didn’t seem to work this time. Ah, damn illness loves me so.

Since our family doctor was somewhere in the South celebrating summer, I chose to visit a hospital. My mum went with me and yes, I let her (because that meant she’d be the one payin’ the bills).

When I approached the front desk, it suddenly dawned on me that it was the hospital my ex-girlfriend works at. I prayed she won’t show up (coz I looked hideous). Thank God she did not. Instead, when I entered the emergency room (which also serves as the hospital’s clinic), I was welcomed by a young doctor — A HOTTT DOCTOR.

Life is pretty fair after all, I thought. Haha.

The nurses did the usual stuff — temperature, blood pressure, etc. And then the hot doctor (probably in his late 30s) started asking questions about my condition. He seemed puzzled that I had been taking the right meds but they weren’t working. And then he asked, “Have you been smoking?”

Thank God my mum was busy texting, she didn’t hear a thing. I asked her if she could just wait for me outside because hey, I’m 22.

After kicking my mum out of the room, I told the doctor that I had been smoking. Like any sane doctor, he asked me to stop. He then asked me to open my mouth coz he needed to take a look at my swollen throat. His brows met.

Me: Is it bad?
Doc: Let’s just say I couldn’t see your tonsils. They’re covered with pus.
Me: I’ll take that as “bad.”
Doc: What have you been shoving down your throat? (Rhetorical)
Me: You have no idea.

I grinned. He snickered. Haha. Then he placed his hands on my neck, just below my jaw and started feeling my swollen whatever.

Doc: Does it hurt when you swallow?
Me: Depends on what I swallow.
Doc: Haha. What else is there to swallow other than food?
Me: I meant, it depends on whether what I swallow is hot or cold. Cold, hurts big time. Hot, doesn’t. Hot ones wouldn’t hurt, would they?

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NOTE: I only have used several websites that compile absurd laws as my references. There’s no way I can verify if these laws actually exist. Read at your own risk.

Laws are highly dependent on the culture of the jurisdiction. Laws in one country can be seen as idiotic by others. Differences in cultures result in differences among national and state laws.

History also plays a major part on the reason for the existence of some laws. Something might have happened in the past that led the lawmakers to come up with such policies. However, as times change, some laws fail to evolve and cope with the people’s modern way of life. Ergo, there are laws that seem so stupid and utterly foolish to us.

Often, these absurd laws have obvious explanations. For example, in France, naming your pig “Napoleon” is punishable by law. This is because France is the country of the great historical figure Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon is the hero of France. That’s why for the French, it is really inappropriate to name a pig “Napoleon.” It’s like someone from the Vatican naming his pig Jesus Christ or Benedict XVI.

For 12 years, chewing gums have been forbidden in Singapore. This may sound ridiculous to many but this law assures the Singaporean government of waste reduction.

Yes, there is an explanation behind every absurd law. However, some laws just sound so dumb that when you hear it, there is no way that you won’t smile, snicker or roll on the floor, laughing to death. Here are 37 of them.

The Married Life

37. In Owensboro, Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to buy a new hat without her husband trying it on first. (How about a girly hat?)

36. In Pennsylvania, no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. (Booo! Boo! Haha)

35. In Vermont, it is illegal for women to wear false teeth without written permission from their husbands.

34. In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife but only once a month. (Beat her twice, you’re going to jail!)

33. In Colorado, it is illegal for men to kiss their wives on a Sunday.

32. In Hong Kong a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah. Justice is sweet.)

Against the Horny

31. In Iowa, it is illegal to kiss for more than five minutes. (How about 5.01 minutes, no?)

30. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. (Whew! I’m in the right Southeast Asian country! Thank God.)

29. In Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Under ANY circumstances? Really? Really?)

28. In Tremonton, Utah, no woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of the city. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

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SEMI-FINALS

Round 1 (Judges)
1. David Cook | The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
2. David Archuleta | And So It Goes
3. Syesha Mercado | If I Ain’t Got You

Round 2 (Contestants)
1. David Cook | Dare You to Move
2. Syesha Mercado | Fever
3. David Archuleta | With You

Round 3 (Producers)
1. David Cook | I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing
2. Syesha Mercado | Hit Me Up
3. David Archuleta | Longer

If performances tonight were the only basis, Syesha could (and should) make it to the finals. But nah, it’s gonna be a “Battle of the Davids” finale.

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Status: Ranting
Music: Pocketful of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield

Yogurt. Last Sunday, I woke up craving for some yogurt. Off to Mini-Stop convenience store. I grabbed a cup of strawberry-flavoured yogurt, approached the counter, opened my wallet and took out a P200-bill.

Then the cashier said, “Sir, don’t you have a smaller bill?”

I checked my pockets and looked for a smaller bill. Nadah. I pouted. Looking so apologetic, I responded, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t.”

She told me, “But sir, I don’t have change. You really don’t have a smaller bill, sir?”

“I really don’t. If I had any, I would’ve given it to you coz I really want this damn yogurt right now.”

“But sir, I really don’t have change.”

The conversation went on for God knows how long — the girl telling me she didn’t have change and I, telling her neither did I.

MY GAWD. IT WAS FREAKIN’ INFURIATING. I’m sure, at one point, you have experienced something like this. And I’m sure it almost made your blood hit boiling point. I mean, come on, what did she expect me to do? Put the yogurt back on the shelf and just find another store? Gawd. It’s her duty to find change, not mine. I’m a freakin’ customer — and a hungry one at that.

So what did I do? I opened the cup of yogurt in front of her and said, “I’m willing to wait.”

When someone’s lazy, I turn bitchy. And those who come between yogurt and I shall be doomed. Never EVER deprive me of yogurt.

…

This is actually just a teaser of the next list that I will publish on this blog — top 18 most annoying types of people we encounter everyday. The list is complete but if you have suggestions, hit the post comment button. They just might make them to the list. I already have 18, but I can still change it to Top 20 or something.

image courtesy davesstrawhatinn.com

I promised myself that I would devote my Sunday mornings to football (soccer). Last week, my friends Jon and Aika were with me playing at the Sunken Garden in UP Diliman. It rained but we still went on. Football in the rain. Woooh. This is the life. Haha.

I’m am not the athletic type. Certainly not. But it doesn’t mean that I have no interest in sports. I love sports. In fact, when I was in high school, I was our school paper’s Sports Editor (and Associate Editor and Layout Artist and Photojournalist). I was also my school’s representative to sport/Physical Education quiz bees, because of which I have travelled many places. In college, I was first a Sports Science major before shifting out to Film.

Although it doesn’t really show, I am madly in love with sports — especially football, tennis and bowling. I am not great (not even good) at any of them but heck, I absolutely always have fun playing.

FOOTBALL

I don’t remember exactly when I fell in love with football. I have always hated basketball and volleyball. Maybe because when I was a kid, I couldn’t play well because of my then useless left arm. So since I couldn’t move my left arm, I started kicking basketballs around the garden. I started playing futsal in grade school but I never really became good at it. It was my biggest frustration.

Then I got addicted to watching football on TV. I instantly became a Bayern Munich and Chelsea fan. During the 2002 Japan/Korea World Cup, I began admiring Miroslav Klose, who is my ultimate idol right now.

One of my most prized possessions is my Adidas 2006 Germany World Cup ball. I don’t let anyone play with it unless I’m watching. Haha. I bought it out of utter sadness after Germany lost to Italy in the semi-final match. It was darn expensive but heck, I was lonely.

Again, I’m devoting my Sunday mornings to football. So if one Sunday morning, you see someone playing football at the Sunken Garden who looks as if he doesn’t know what he’s doing, that’s probably me. Haha.

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Note: This entry was written for Crunkish.com, a really interesting site that our team put up. It is still under construction but if you want to take a peek, knock yourself out.

Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two naked individuals reminds us that we can be free. In fact, in this very intimate and private activity, we let go of all our apprehensions, fears and insecurities. Some people want to do this in silence. Some prefer the rough, noisy way. Whatever way you choose, never spoil the moment by saying something incredibly stupid. Here are the top 10 most awful things to say while making love.

10. “Cream. We should paint the ceiling cream.”

One of the most ridiculous things you can do while having an intercourse is not paying attention to your highly engaging activity. When you’re making love or even just having a plain casual sex, focus on your partner and what you do. Do not think about the ceiling, that busted pin light, that ugly painting on the wall or, God forbid, your business presentation for the next day. Sex requires your full attention not just for you to enjoy the activity but also your partner. If ever you get bored in the middle of romancing, at least act as if you were enjoying. Your partner might be doing his/her best and as a sign of common courtesy, do your best enjoying what he/she gives you… or pretending to enjoy what he gives you.

Just swallow it: “Where’s the remote?” “Hon, did you lock the front door?”
Spit it out: “You’re the best.”

9. “You are so much like your sister.”

Or worse, her mom. Or worst, her dad. When you’re making love, never ever compare your partner to another person you have had sex with. That just ruins everything. Think about this: you two are alone, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind should be fixed on your partner and not wandering in some other world. Comparing is not just mean; it is cruel. If you want your partner to give you maximum satisfaction, don’t pull down his/her ego by trying to see how similar or how different he/she is to others.

Just swallow it: “Now I understand why he dumped you.” “You are as great as my ex.”
Spit it out: “Nothing compares to you.”

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Not so many people know that Leona Lewis’s massive worldwide hit Bleeding Love is actually written by OneRepublic frontman Ryan Tedder and *surprise, surprise* Jesse McCartney. Yes, Beautiful Soul Jesse McCartney. That’s him.

Who would have thought? Whenever I share this trivia with my friends, they give me a where-did-you-get-that-crap-from look. Most of the time, they believe the Ryan Tedder part of the story but they just can’t buy the fact that Jessemac co-wrote it. That’s sad, really. I’m a Jessemac fan. He’s hot and talented and I have a copy of his two albums. Hehe.

Bleeding Love was originally intended for Jesse’s third album Departure (to be released on May 20). When Clive Davis heard it, he was so impressed but he wanted the track to be the carrier single of Leona’s album Spirit. He and Simon Cowell just knew that the song could make it big for Leona. And man, did that song make it big for Leona! Number 1 in 28 countries and last year’s Record of the Year in the UK. I looove Leona.

Here’s the thing. When songwriters create songs for a label, they generally need someone to sing the track to give the producers an idea of how it would sound. Well, Jesse did the same. Here’s a snippet of how the track would have sounded like had Jesse performed it.

NOT BAD! I have to admit, though, that Leona’s version is better by a lightyear. The song just suits a female voice better and is just PERFECT for Leona. But hey, I still dig Jessemac’s version. And I mean it.

I’m just a disappointed that since this snippet has somewhat leaked, it seems to me that the label (or whoever) is trying to take down all the youtube videos of Jessemac’s version. Aaaargh. I hope they would leave this one alone. Well, anyway, the full version is said to be included to the Departure album but only those released in Australia and Japan. Aaargh.

I’m staying at my co-owned Internet cafe and there’s a bunch of insufferably noisy kikay girls here, who are really having a hard time logging into friendster.com. They have been spending the last 10 minutes trying to figure out why their window keeps on displaying The page cannot be displayed.

My only prayer is for them to realise they have been typing “freindster,” instead of “friendster.”

No, I’m sooo not gonna tell them. We’re not “freinds.” Ha. Ha. Ha.

Note: This entry was written for Crunkish.com, a really interesting site which features top 10 lists of just about anything. Our team put up the site and I contributed a lot. It’s a really fun site. It is still under construction but if you want to take a peek, knock yourself out.

Being in a relationship is not easy. It is also very unpredictable. One day, you are having the greatest moment of your life with your partner and the next day, you are crying your eyes out. One day, you desperately want to spend the rest of your life with your partner and the next day, you may find your things all packed up out on the sidewalk. Yes, being in a relationship is very difficult. It is much more difficult if you think that your partner is also having affections for the same sex. It may even be the hardest challenge that any couple could deal with.

Figuring out whether your loved one is gay or not is a very tricky business. There are as many types of gayness as there are many gay guys in the world. Some homosexuals want their sexual orientation be known to the whole world. Others are still hiding inside their dark closet, trying to avoid being caught. These men act like ordinary men that you can hardly imagine what their true sexuality is.

If you think your boyfriend is gay, watch out for signs. Most gay people share things that are unique or, at least, distinct to them. You have to remember, however, that these signs are a bit stereotypical. These are not absolute. If you see these signs on your boyfriend, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is gay or bisexual. Not seeing these signs doesn’t mean that he is not, either. Again, playing detective is a tricky business. But hey, give it a shot. Here are the top 10 signs that your boyfriend belongs to the fabulous federation.

10. The Bathroom Rituals

Pay attention to his grooming habits. Notice how he meticulously does his hair. Try to find out how he chose the grooming products he owns. An average guy doesn’t care about what brand or what type of products he uses. Is he particularly interested in top designer shoes and other accessories? Another warning sign is the time he spends inside the bathroom. If he takes longer than you do, that may be a sign that he is playing for the other team.

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Right now, I’m hungry. It’s almost 7pm and I still haven’t shoved anything into my esophagus for the past five hours — which reminds me of the moment I arrived at my mother’s house in Batangas last weekend. And the first thing that got my attention? The two sacks of rice lying on the floor. Hmmm. Someone did some panic buying, I thought. My mum said it would last for four months, which means we won’t be worrying about the “rice price rise.”

When I came back to the city, I dined at my favourite carinderia near my apartment. It didn’t come as a surprise to me when the waitress told me that a cup of rice costs 10 pesos. That’s PhP4 higher than the last time I was there.

It’s really sad that we experience rice shortage. I mean, I don’t know, it’s just sad that a country as agriculture-based as the Philippines has to import something as staple as rice. RICE. RICE. RICE. Something that a Filipino meal isn’t without.

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