…They’re like chocolate cakes, like cigarettes. I know they’re bad for me but I just can’t leave them alone….
— Buses and Trains, Bachelor Girl

Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director/Writer: Sue Kramer
Stars: Heather Graham, Thomas Cavanagh, Bridget Moynahan

I have to admit that I didn’t really want to watch Gray Matters. I was just about to get tickets for Sunshine when I found out that it was Heather Graham who stars in this lesbian flick. I have always loved Heather Graham since she starred opposite Mike Myers in Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me. She has this irresistible charm that whenever I see her face on a movie poster, I always end up watching that movie. But enough of Heather. Let’s talk about the film —- it was bad.

Yes, if there’s only one word that could best describe Gray Matters, that would be it: bad. As in BAD. But first, what is the film all about? It’s about Gray (Heather Graham) who has a brother, Sam (Thomas Cavanagh), whom she is very close to that they are often mistaken as a couple. Both in their thirties, they live in the same apartment, share secrets, are perfect dance partners, etc. And then they met Charlie (Bridget Moynahan), an oh-so-perfect creature of God — beautiful, sexy, smart, successful, lovable, perfect. After their first date, Sam asked Charlie to marry him and she said “yes.” The night before the wedding, Charlie, drunk and unaware of what she’s doing, kisses Gray and this messes up Gray’s sanity and turns her life inside out. Gray is bothered and has not forgotten about it, and then realises she’s a lesbian… and that she’s madly in love with Charlie.

There you go. Okay, on with the bashing. This movie is writer/director Sue Kramer’s first. And I just have to say this: if your up & coming movies are all gonna be like this, then please don’t bother us with them anymore. Find another planet and bore them with your crap. The screenplay is trashy and so unrealistic. Getting married after one date? Oh come on. That’s obnoxious. If you want the mainstream audience to relate to this film, you should’ve done better than coming up with that, er, idiocy.

There are many attempts to make the audience laugh (because hey, it’s a comedy) but only a few work because they lack wit and sensibility. And those scenes which turned out to be funny, however, like that frappuccino on the wedding dress scene, are so unoriginal. You see, it’s always either not-funny or funny-but-unoriginal. Plus, the characters all talk like they were writers rejected by every publishing house there is in this world. The script is filled with metaphors that make you go, “huh?”. And they all speak so fast you just want them to shut up.

The cinematography lacks dynamics. (Gawd, I hate the composition of the shots.) The production design is just OK. The editing is average. The only good thing about this ridiculous flick is Heather’s character Gray. She’s the only one that looks and sounds like a human being here. The others are just mere caricatures you barely notice them.

But if you’re gonna watch this film because of the gay/lesbian element, then go ahead. It’s not everyday that a gay film with a happy ending is produced.

But really, this movie is so bad, not even Heather Graham’s charm can save this flick.

1.5