Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two naked individuals reminds us that we can be free. In fact, in this very intimate and private activity, we let go of all our apprehensions, fears and insecurities.
Some people want to do this in silence. Some prefer the rough, noisy way. Whatever way you choose, never spoil the moment by saying something incredibly stupid. Here are the top 10 most awful things to say while making love. (Not that I’m an expert. It’s just what my friends contributed. Weh.)
10. “Cream. We should paint the ceiling cream.”
One of the most ridiculous things you can do while having an intercourse is not paying attention to your highly engaging activity. When you’re making love or even just having a plain casual sex, focus on your partner and what you do. Do not think about the ceiling, that busted pin light, that ugly painting on the wall or, God forbid, your business presentation for the next day. Sex requires your full attention not just for you to enjoy the activity but also your partner. If ever you get bored in the middle of romancing, at least act as if you were enjoying. Your partner might be doing his/her best and as a sign of common courtesy, do your best enjoying what he/she gives you… or pretending to enjoy what he gives you.
Just swallow it: “Where’s the remote?” “Hon, did you lock the front door?”
Spit it out: “You’re the best.”
9. “You are so much like your sister.”
Or worse, her mom. Or worst, her dad. When you’re making love, never ever compare your partner to another person you have had sex with. That just ruins everything. Think about this: you two are alone, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind should be fixed on your partner and not wandering in some other world. Comparing is not just mean; it is cruel. If you want your partner to give you maximum satisfaction, don’t pull down his/her ego by trying to see how similar or how different he/she is to others.
Just swallow it: “Now I understand why he dumped you.” “You are as great as my ex.”
Spit it out: “Nothing compares to you.”
8. “That is so CUTE.”
Oh, for heaven’s sakes, don’t say this. Of all the adjectives in the dictionary, why does it have to be “cute.” This word is used for things that are attractively small. And in the sexual world, whether you’re talking about a woman’s breasts or a man’s manhood, “small” is not cute. It is degrading. If your partner is not so gifted when it comes to size, don’t mention it — at least, not DURING sex. If you say this, you are not just hurting his/her ego, you are killing it. You don’t want to be making love with a person with a dead ego. It’s like doing it with a dead man.
Remember: size is not everything. Don’t judge a person according to the size of his body parts. It is not size that matters, it is what you do with it.
Just swallow it: “Is it in?” “How come I don’t feel it?”
Spit it out: “Give it to me, baby.”
7. “Don’t touch that!”
Having sex means having your body enjoyed by your partner. And by body, we mean, entire body — every single curve, corner, bump, twist and turn of it. If you want to set limits, talk about it with your partner before the intercourse. Doing it during sex will spoil the moment.
Just swallow it: “Not that part, babe.”
Spit it out: “Hon, we talked about it.”
6. “Oh. So that’s why they call you ‘FLASH.’”
Some things should be done quick. Sex is not one of them. Yes, sex is sex and it will still be enjoyable no matter how fast or slow you do it. However, good sex is done slowly but surely. Good rough sex may be done in a wild, fierce, fast-paced manner but it still takes time.
Time is an important factor in having an enjoyable bed party. Take your time and let your partner take his/hers. This is exactly why foreplay exists. It’s not all about humpin’ and pumpin’ as if you’re racing to the moon of a planet in the Andromeda galaxy. There is such a thing as finesse.
Enjoy each sexual act the best way possible by giving yourself and your partner enough time to take you to heaven and back. Allow your partner to satisfy you by letting him/her do what he/she wants. There might be a surprise waiting for you if you just be patient. Who knows? He/she might really know what he/she is doing. Keep your fingers crossed.
Just swallow it: “Did you come yet?” “Let’s just get this over and done with.” “Hurry up, my husband will be here any moment.”
Spit it out: “Take your time.”
5. “On second thought, let’s turn the lights off.”
One of the worst things you could ever do while having sex is to insult your mate’s physical appearance. Be it the looks or the body, you should never diss your partner. Again, sex is an art of exploring and enjoying each other’s body. The last thing you should do is express distaste. If you don’t really like your partner’s physique, then you should have never been in the same bed (or kitchen table?) with him/her. It’s just as simple as that.
Just swallow it: “I hope you’re as pretty when I’m sober.”
Spit it out: “You are so fine.”
4. “I used to have THAT.”
As a sign of respect to your partner, tell them what they need to know before climbing into bed with them. Are you underage? Do you have a sexually transmitted disease? If you’re a woman, do you used to be a man? Yes, your concern is deeply appreciated but some things are better said before, not during the activity. It may be too late. Let your partner know the things about you that may have significant effects on him/her. Be truthful and considerate.
Sex is a very pleasurable activity but it is not something that everyone should engage in. If you’re a minor, don’t do it or you’ll be putting your partner in deep legal sh*t. If you think you have an STD, even when you are not 100% sure, refrain from making love for a while until you are completely healthy. Don’t ruin your partner’s life just so you could get off. That’s just selfish.
Just swallow it: “It’s just a rash, get over it.” “Define statutory rape.”
Spit it out: “I can’t do it. I shouldn’t.”
Sleep is much needed by the body. In fact, one third of your life is spent sleeping. That’s why, whenever you feel your body cry out for some visit to the dreamland, you should not beg off most of the time. During sex is not one of those times. We understand that you’ve been working all day and that you have exhausted all your energy for more productive and important matters. However, it does not give you a freakin’ damn excuse to doze off while in the middle of an intercourse. That’s just… rude.
If you really feel tired and are not in the mood for some hot bed action, then don’t do it at all. It’s ridiculous. Sleeping while making love is far more insulting than refusing to do it altogether.
Just swallow it: “Do your best not to wake me up.”
Spit it out: “That’s it.”
2. “Marry me.”
There are many romantic ways to propose marriage. Unfortunately, popping the question just when you are both hitting orgasm is not a very romantic idea. It is as if you are not giving your partner a choice. Who would say “no” just when you are about to feel the greatest feeling in the world? Besides, think about your future. Your son or daughter would ask you how you proposed to your partner, what answer would you give your kid?
Just swallow it: “I want a baby.” “When can I meet your parents?” “Leave your husband for me.”
Spit it out: “This is the best moment of my life.”
1. “Oh Jack, you’re the best.”
And your partner would go, “I’m Rose! Rose! Rose! Who the hell is Jack?!?!” This is a no-brainer. The most awful thing to say while getting laid is definitely the name of somebody else, especially if it’s a common friend or someone from the same sex.
A wrong name says a lot of things. It may be the idea that you have done it with that other person, you wish to do it with him/her or you are simply not paying attention. Say this and you will be facing terrible consequences. If you’re married, you might be signing divorce papers soon. If you’re not married, prepare for a break-up. Unless you can come up with an incredibly good excuse, it will surely hurt, if not ruin, your relationship.
Just swallow it: “What’s your name again?” “And you are?” “Who the hell are you?”
Spit it out: “I just love screaming your name.”
The key to having healthy and enjoyable sex is knowing what to say and what not to say. One wrong word and you could make your partner lose his or her drive and ultimately spoil the moment. The bed has unwritten rules spilt over it. If you can’t follow them, then all you can ever do in bed is have a good night’s sleep.
Note: I originally wrote this entry for Crunkish.com, a really interesting site that our team put up. It is still under construction but if you want to take a peek, knock yourself out.
image courtesy coconutgirlwireless.wordpress.com, bigeyedeer.wordpress.com, Cartoon stock