Similes and Metaphors

Monday January 12, 2009 11:18 | 2,629 views

HEADACHE

On the way to my boss’s house for a little booze session last Friday night, I couldn’t help bitching about my terrible headache. I was sitting in the backseat with Mads.

Yoshke: Gaaaahd, my head aches like hell.
Mads: Why?
Yoshke: I dunno. But the street lights hurt my eyes, too. Everything’s too bright. And it sends my brain to pain-land.
Mads: So it really aches? How painful is it?
Yoshke: Very. Very painful…. Like the first time.

Like whaaaat?!?! WTF. Wahaha. Steve, who was driving, and Kat, in the passenger seat, let out a little WTF-giggle. Wahaha. I didn’t know why I said that. Like the first time. What was I thinking?!?

(And just a clarification, I know you’re thinking that, well, it’s not that. Wahaha. Aright, too much info.)

RUSSIA

My housemates and I have been noticing how everyone we know seems to be gaining weight. So much weight. Ourselves, included.

Yoshke: Gaaah. I just can’t believe it. When I shopped for pants last year, I was always safe picking size 27 or 28. Now, I’m 32. And it’s only been a bit more than a year.
Dane: Haaay, me, too. I remember one of my Korean friends. He called one of my skinny batchmates “fat.” And she WAS thin. At that moment, I thought “God, if she’s fat; what does that make me?”
Yoshke: OMG. Have you seen ^&%^%.
Frances: Yeah, yeah, he’s sooo big.
Yoshke: True! When I saw him the other night, I could’ve yelled at him, “OMG! Look at you! You’re bigger than Russia!”

Hey, don’t judge me. At least, it wasn’t the Soviet Union.

PREGNANT

McDo El Pueblo. Kristel was showing us (Gil, Marck, and me) her brand new physique after gaining 20 pounds.

Kristel: I have yet to figure out why I gained this much. Maybe it’s work. Stressful.
Yoshke: Maybe it’s the lack of sex.
Kristel: Hon, maybe it’s too much sex.
Yoshke: Oh. Yeah? Haha. Maybe you’re pregnant!

Kristel got on her feet.

Kristel: OMG! (laughing) You did not just call me pregnant!
Yoshke: Well, it’s a possibility.
Kristel: You’re sooo mean. Do I look pregnant? Am I that huge and swollen?
Yoshke: No! I just suggested coz you said “too much sex,” and maybe some of Gil’s sperm slipped, coz I know you do it all the time, and…
Kristel: You called me pregnant. Waah, I’m that fat!?
Yoshke: No. You’re not… I didn’t… It was… I was just… <insert mumbles-I-could-not-finish here>

And then, she walked around telling some of our other friends that I told her she looked pregnant. And everybody was like, “Yoshke, you’re sooo mean!”

And I would reply: No… I didn’t… It was… I was just… <insert mumbles-I-could-not-finish here>.

Gaaah. I hate it when my words get taken out of context. Haha.

OIL

Last Saturday night at my dermatologist’s clinic. I’ve always been struggling to get rid of pimples but they just won’t leave me alone. And it’s been months since my doctor started my treatment. Apparently, being pimply and being a keloid-former are not a good combination. They make my life almost impossible to live. Wahaha. So I wanted a more aggressive treatment.

Doc: Oh, that’s too harsh. You wouldn’t want to kill your sebaceous glands. You’ll need them.
Yoshke: But all they have been giving me are pimples, pimples and pimples. And my face is always sooo oily.
Doc: That’s a sign of youth. When you get old, you’re gonna need that oil. In theory, you should be happy coz that means you won’t look old anytime soon coz your glands are still active.
Yoshke: Yeah. Very. Active.
Doc: It’s alright. You know it’s improving.
Yoshke: Gaah. I just hate it that my skin pumps more oil than Saudi Arabia.
Doc: Don’t be too harsh on yourself. It’s not like Saudi Arabia now. It’s more like… Kuwait.

Wow. Thanks Doc. That made me feel good.

COLONIZATION

Film Building railings. More than a year ago. Andre, Jumar, Munich and I were talking about “colonization.”

Munich: Yoshke, have you been colonized?
Yoshke: What do you mean colonized?
Andre: You know, colon-ized.
Yoshke: Oh. Not… yet. Wahahaha. It’s risky.
Andre: So you’re like Antarctica. Cold and frozen.
Yoshke: Not really. More like Thailand.
Munich: Have you been the colonizer?
Yoshke: Uh-huh. How ’bout you Andre?
Andre: Of course, I have been colonized! I loove being colonized. I’m like the Philippines. Whenever one colonizer leaves, another arrives. I let them explore my country, and I let them exploit my resources. And when I’m tired, I stage a revolution!