Here are some completely innocent statements but my friends’ dirty minds tell them otherwise.

SANAY NA

One very toxic night, I had been editing political ads on my laptop with my small marketing teammates at our apartment FOR HOURS. My friends Dohna, Dane, and Frances were sitting on the airbed while I was on the stairs facing a chair where the laptop was on. There was just no place in the mattress left so I had to sit on the bottom step of the staircase despite the discomfort.

Dohna grew concerned about my situation so she asked, “Yoshke, masakit ba?”

And without thinking, I replied, “Hindi naman. Sanay na ang pwet ko.”

Everyone burst into laughter. I meant I got used to being seated for hours.

PUMAPASOK

Frances, Dohna, Asta, JT, Maikel and I were at Starbucks Shangri-la last Thursday night when we agreed to exchange horror stories. Frances was narrating a horrifying encounter when they stayed in Baguio a few years ago, wherein an old lady was torturing her in her sleep but she was awake and she couldn’t move. More like a case of sleep paralysis.

Frances narrated, “Tapos hindi talaga ako makagalaw. Tapos gusto kong sumigaw pero hindi ko magawa, walang lumalabas na boses. Tapos weird, ang hirap ng i-explain. Alam nyo yung feeling na may malaking bagay na pumapasok sa katawan mo?”

“Oo, alam ko ang feeling nang may malaking bagay na pumapasok sa katawan ko,” I interrupted.

Everyone gave me a look as if saying “You ruined dinner.” Sorry naman. She asked! I just answered. I meant I had the same sleep paralysis experience.

HINDI QUALIFIED

While preparing dinner at the condo a few months ago.

Andre: Pag nagkaroon ng Top Chef Philippines, parang ang sarap sumali. Kaso hindi ako qualified.
Yoshke: Bakit naman?
Andre: Hindi kasi ako “top.”

He meant he’s not that experienced a cook!

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Vice President wannabe Jejomar Binay’s Ganito Kami sa Makati promotional ad-slash-political ad in disguise says a lot about the city he’s running. Whether it’s true or not, I think Makati is one of those cities in Metro Manila that project a relatively positive image to the public. But how about the others?

It’s actually quite funny what kind of impressions some cities have on people. For example, I’m sure you have heard people making fun of Malabon and its Venice-like situation, except devoid of all grandeur. Or how many of us still associate the entire Muntinlupa with New Bilibid Prison as though the prison is all there is in the city.

This post isn’t about Makati, Malabon, or Muntinlupa. It’s about another city in the southern part of the metropolis — Pasay City.

I’ve been told a number of times about the city’s reputation. For example, when I’m going to Pasay and I’m asking my mom or my friends for directions, they would insist that I do not go alone or that I do not bring any valuables. Even my dear  friends from Pasay tell me how frustrated they are with how things go, especially how things are being run.

Is Pasay really that bad? I’m asking coz the only parts of Pasay I go to frequently are the SM Mall of Asia area, DFA, and MRT Taft station.

Here are some instances in which I thought Pasay was used by people around me for their random display of sense of humor.

ANYTHING GOES

Fresh from iBlog Mini at World Trade Center a few weeks ago, Andre and I decided to proceed to SM Mall of Asia to check out the new line of hoodies at Fox Men. We didn’t know where the jeepney terminal was so we started looking for it.

Andre: I don’t think it’s here. Maybe it’s over there?
Yoshke: But we have to cross the road to go there.
Andre: So let’s cross, come on.
Yoshke: Err, wait. Can we? This may be a no-jaywalking zone.
Andre: Yoshke, duh? This is Pasay. There are no rules!

A TALE OF A MISSING COMB

“Where the hell is my comb?!”

Debbie had spent minutes trying to find her comb in the office. This happened two years ago, I was a web writer then. Debbie misplaced her comb and she just could not find it in her cubicle. Out of utter frustration, she talked to herself like she normally did.

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It’s been a while since I posted conversations with Andre. We don’t spend that much time together anymore even though we’re now housemates. Ironic, yeah?

BLIND SPOT

While walking around at a mall:

Yoshke: Uy, nakita mo yung nakasalubong natin? Grabe, he was checking you out! Tingin sya nang tingin sayo!
Andre: Ah talaga? Hindi ko nakita! Gwapo?
Yoshke: Err… Hinde.
Andre: Aaaah… kaya hindi ko nakita.

Aba, may selective blindness!

TOP 3

Shy Guy: Uy Andre, may papakilala ako sa’yo na officemate. Gwapo. Eto Facebook nya.
Andre: Oh sige sige.

Shy Guy showed Andre  the guy’s Facebook profile.

Andre: Ay, bet ko na yan!
Shy Guy: Kaso drop out sya ng UST.
Andre: Ay OK lang yun, drop out din naman ako.
Shy Guy: Eh UP ka naman.
Andre: True. At least kahit drop out ako, yung school ko ay nasa top 3!
Yoshke: Top 3 ng…?
Andre: Top 3 ng Cheerdance Competition! Wahahaha.

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image courtesy of warkitty.com

One December evening in Paranaque, Andre, Dane and I were killing time by solving puzzles that I compiled in my head since I was a little boy. You see, I love solving puzzles and challenging my friends to put their problem-solving skills to a test. It was one of those nights. We spent hours solving the detective stories I throw at them. Mind you, they were very difficult puzzles.

Just before daybreak, Dane said:

Dane: I am used to simple puzzles like the giraffe-elephant-fridge puzzle.
Yoshke: What’s that puzzle?
Andre: OMG! You don’t know that?
Yoshke: No. Everyone else does?
Andre: Yep. So give it a try.
Dane: Alright, Yoshke, in three steps, how do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Yoshke: Hmmm.

Hmmmmm…

I spend twenty minutes trying to figure it out. When I blurted, “Don’t tell me it’s ‘Open the ref, put the giraffe, and then close it.’”

They laughed their asses off.

Hey, I was expecting a serious puzzle and this silly puzzle just caught me off-guard!

Andre: How about this: In four steps, how do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Yoshke: (confident) (1) Open the door. (2) Move the giraffe aside. (3) Put the elephant inside. (4) Close the door.

Andre and Dane: WRONG!
Yoshke: Seriously? What’s the right answer?
Andre and Dane: (1) Open the door. (2) Take out the giraffe. (3) Put the elephant inside. (4) Close the door.

Yoshke: But I wanted to just move the giraffe aside!
Andre: Well you can’t! You have to remove the giraffe!
Yoshke: WHY?!!?
Dane: Because it won’t fit!

With that, I snapped!

Yoshke: HOW DARE YOU DICTATE HOW BIG MY REFRIGERATOR IS!!! I MANAGED TO PUT THE DARN GIRAFFE INTO IT; OF COURSE IT CAN ACCOMMODATE AN ELEPHANT!

Alright, so I took that puzzle too seriously. Wahaha.

We all love puzzles. Some people can endure trying to solve one puzzle game and not give up even if they end up hating themselves and hitting someone else for failing to solve it.

Whether it’s just a short detective quiz that a friend has shared or a simple anagram or even a mere puzzling question, we always try to solve them and share them with others. Today, most people are going crazy over sodoku, a puzzle originated in Japan and took the world by storm.

image courtesy of sentimentalrefugee.com

Why do most people love puzzles? Maybe it’s because it is human nature to always ask why or how. Maybe it’s because we love the feeling of being up for the challenge. Maybe it’s the sense of pride and accomplishment when we are able to solve one. Maybe it’s because puzzles divert our attention and escape the real world.

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SM Megamall

Andre, Shy Guy and I were walking around looking for a place to have dinner at when we passed by Petit Monde. The store’s facade is covered with huge posters of Carmen Soo.

Yoshke: Nagagandahan ba kayo kay Carmen Soo?
Shy Guy: Oo. OK lang. Bakit, ikaw?
Yoshke: Oo naman. Ikaw, Andre?
Andre: Oo namaaan. Iba kasi eh. Simpleng ganda lang. Parang… parang… parang ako.

Hala. Maganda daw sya!

Trinoma

Days after the Carmen Soo incident, Andre and I found ourselves in Trinoma. I forgot why we were there (but I swear it wasn’t bird-watching). Anyway, this time, we passed by Bench where a poster showcasing the buffed physique and nakaka-ihing sex appeal ni Gerald Anderson in a sleeveless shirt, his hands under his head, his armpits exposed.

Andre: (squeezing may left shoulder) Gaaaaaah. Eeeeeeh.
Yoshke: O ano na naman?
Andre: Ang sarap naman ng kili-kili ni Gerald… Parang gusto ko dun tumira…

Go lang! Tumira ka sa kili-kili ni Gerald Anderson! Hindi kita pipigilan!

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A TYPICAL TEXT MESSAGE FROM ANDRE

Just when I thought I had escaped the z00-reminiscent insanity of my friends for the holidays, I received a message like this:

“Waaa. Kumusta naman yung nagdeliver ako ng ham. Sabi nung customer ‘Thank you.‘ Ang sinagot ko ‘Good luck.’ Wahaha. Ang tanga ko lang.”

Wahaha, agree, agree.

A TYPICAL YAHOO! MESSENGER CHAT WITH ANDRE (December 22, 2008)

Andre: Youre not going anywhere naman tonight di ba?
Yoshke: Nope
Andre: Raincheck daw
Yoshke: Huwaaaaat?  si Jerwin?
Andre: Yeah. May sakit
Yoshke: I invited Patti pa naman
Andre: Sa Saturday nalang
Yoshke: Ah aright, kayo na lang
Andre: EEEEEH!!!! Anubaa?
Yoshke: Batangas na ko nun
Andre: Kelan ka balik?
Yoshke:  January 2
Andre: Eeeeeeeeeh
Andre: Yoshke naman ehhhhhhhhhhhh
Andre: YOSHKEEEEEE
Andre: Balik ka dali naaaaaaaaaaa
Andre: Pls plsplspls pls puhleeeeeez
Yoshke: Hindi pede, alangan namang lumuwas ako ng Maynila para lang mag-Sidebar. kumusta yun?
Andre: NO! babalik ka ng maynila to spend the holiday with your friends! it just so happened that the friends are at Sidebar!
Yoshke: I have a family to give a little lovin-lovin to.
Andre:  But we are also your familyyy. Isang araw lang naman ang hinihingi namin sayo.
Yoshke: Oo nga, isang araw lang.  isang maling araw.
Andre: Ah sige. Gusto mo dalawa? Eh di dalawang araw!
Yoshke: Dalawang maling araw, mas hindi pede, bakla kaaa.
Andre: I’ll make you a good deal… Punta ka dito sa sabado. Sidebar tayo. Then the next day, dalhin mo kami sa Tagaytay.
Yoshke. Wahahahahaha….  NO!
Andre: O, maganda yan ha
Yoshke: Hindi ah, dehado ako dun
Andre : Parang hinatid ka na rin namin sa lemery nun
Yoshke: TOMORROW na lang kasi!
Andre: Eeeeeeeh Saturdaaaaaay na lang
Yoshke: Eeeeeh. Dont Saturday me
Andre: Please please please. I’m down on my knees. Begging you please.  Wait, anong kanta yun?
Yoshke: “On Bended Knee” ng Boys 2 Men.
Andre: Haha corek! Ang galing mo talaga. Dahil dyan, balik ka sa Saturday
Yoshke: Andre, stop me! Tigilan ako. wahaha
Andre: Yoshke, Saturday. Kahit yun nalang yung gift mo sakin. Balik kang Saturday.
Yoshke: May gift na ko sayo eh
Andre: SEE? All the more na kelangan mong bumalik sa saturday. para mabigay mo sakin
Yoshke: Andre, malabo yung saturday. sobrang labo nun
Andre: YOSHKE AKO TO!!!
Andre: SI ANDRE!!!
Andre: YOU CANT SAY NO TO ME!!!
Yoshke: NO!
Andre: Sige na nga, tomorrow na lang.

Bibigay din pala. Pinahirapan pa ako.

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In the movie and TV industry, it is common for people to use metaphors when talking about things that we should not talk about (or at least, that’s what MTRCB says). So to avoid vulgarities, people use vegetables to refer to body parts that must not be named. Talong for male genitalia. Pechay for female.

I know one director whose 6-years-old daughter had been so immersed to the culture of movie production that the kid would often hear the word “pechay” when the adults were talking about the vagina.

One day, straight from school, the daughter exclaimed, “Ma, yung pechay pala ay gulay din?!?”

Sabi tuloy ng friend ko, “Shet, nung pinagkulay kaya sila ng teacher nila ng pechay, malamang pink yung kinulay nun! Or black!” Wahaha.

…

Walking from Robinson Forum’s lane of food stalls, my officemates Maik, Aiza, and I compared what we would be having for lunch. Maik got his lunch from Mang Porky’s. I got mine from Choice Burgers.

Yoshke: Oh, when did they start adding bananas to their meals?
Maik: Recently. Perhaps they noticed that Choice Burgers were doing really good so they just had to imitate.
Yoshke: Yeah. Maybe.
Maik: But I think the bananas they have are longer.
Yoshke: Oh? Let’s check.

I whipped out my banana while Maik took his out. I held my banana up in the air and Maik placed his beside mine. Aiza butted in.

Aiza: Grabe! Dito pa talaga kayo nagpahabaan ng saging nyo!

Sorry lang. Ilegal na ba magsukatan ng saging ngayon?!

(Pahabol, mine was longer.  )

…

A conversation over lunch. Esan was eyeing Kat’s banana. Kat was a little reluctant to give it to Esan.

Esan: Anong saging yan?
Mads: Lacatan. Lacatan yan, di ba?
Yoshke: Yep. Lacatan yan.
Esan:Mas gusto ko yung isang klase.
Mads: Baka latundan?
Esan: Ano yung latundan?
Yoshke: Ang alam ko yung mas maputi yung laman tapos mas maliit.
Esan: Ah yun nga yung gusto ko!
Yoshke: Yung gusto ko ay senorita.
Mads: Anliit naman!
Esan: Pero pinakamasarap yung saba!
Mads: (weirded out) Hala, saba. Yung panluto? Yung nilalaga?
Esan: Oo. Masarap yun. Kahit hindi niluto, masarap yun.
Yoshke: Masarap naman talaga ang saba. Masakit lang.

WTF?!

…

Three years ago, when Andre and I were still housemates in Teachers’ Village.

Yoshke: Di ba, you’ve been colonized na? How do you handle it? Doesn’t it hurt?
Andre: It hurts, alright. Especially at first. But one should get used to it.
Yoshke: So how does one get used to something like that?
Andre: Well, that’s what the veggies in the refrigerator are for.

He even mentioned the levels of difficulty — saging >> talong >> pipino >> upo.

Upo?!?!?! Wahahahaha.

(Andre was kidding, by the way.)
*images courtesy of  quickblogcast.com, heavypetal.ca

ACCUSING DISTRACTION

Tuesday morning. Esan, a brand new co-worker, excitedly told me about someone she used to work with.

Esan: Yoshke! I’d introduce someone to you! You’ll like him. He’s hot  and a real gentleman! His name is ^&%##.
Yoshke: Esan, I’m already seeing someone. I’m a one-man man. I’m one loyal, trustworthy guy.
Esan: Wushooo…
Yoshke: Ano namang tingin mo saken? MALANDI?
Everyone in the office, who, apparently, was listening: OO!

Hala. Sabay-sabay pa.

Singit pa nung isa, “At feeling mo HINDE?” Haha.

Henaku. Hindi naman talaga…

REPEATING DISTRACTION

One boring afternoon at the office.

Yoshke: If I tell you that I can sketch and paint, will you believe me?
Emcy: Yeah.
Yoshke: Eeeeeh. You shouldn’t have said “yes.” I wanted you to say “no.” Then I’d tell you “Yes, I can!”
Emcy: Hahaha.
Yoshke: Hmmm. I hate you! It didn’t go the way I wanted it to. So we’re gonna do it again!
Emcy: Haha. Okay.
Yoshke: Emcy, If I tell you that I can sketch and paint, will you believe me?
Emcy: No.
Yoshke: Yes, I can!

Parang tanga lang kami.

CONFUSING DISTRACTION

Yoshke: Emcy, pabili naman ako ng cupped noodles (or cup noodles?). Nissin ha, Nissin. Seafood flavor. Nissin ha! NISSIN!
Emcy: Ah sige, anong noodles? Lucky Me Supreme?

Anong mahirap intindihin sa sinabi ko. Sabihin nyo saken. Anooo?!?!?!

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FRIDAY NIGHT (February 6)

Sa MRT Ayala Station. While waiting for TP Winwin who was at a reloading station, we couldn’t decide where to go and what to do…

Yoshke: O ano nang kyeme natin?
Andre: Depende nga sayo kung kekyeme tayo. Eh di ba nga may kyeme kang hinihintay?
Yoshke: OK lang naman sa akin kahit ano.
Andre: So kekyeme nga tayo? Kasi kung hindi tayo kekyeme, uuwi na ko. Dito lang naman sakayan ko.
Yoshke: Gusto mo bang kumyeme?
Andre: Gusto kong kumyeme kasi ayoko pang umuwi. Eh ikaw nga? Anong kyeme mo?
Yoshke: May kyeme lang ako. Kung kekyeme tayo, san tayo kekyeme? Eh yun lang naman ang kyeme ko.
Andre: Sa Sidebar nga tayo kekyeme.
Yoshke: Sige, kyeme na tayo.

Akalain mong nagkaintindihan kami nun!

SATURDAY MORNING (January 31)

Andre went up to my room. He just woke up. I’d been listening to Kelly Clarkson for almost an hour already when he came in.

Andre: I gargled with Astring-O-Sol. I poured the liquid to the cap up to the brim and gargled.
Yoshke: Full cap? Up to the brim? It’s Astring-O-Sol CONCENTRATED! You’re supposed to mix it with water!
Andre: I know. I found out the moment I put it in my mouth. I can’t feel my mouth right now.
Yoshke: Wahaha. Next time, sabi nga ni Dyan Castillejo sa NIDO commercial, it pays to check the label!
Andre: I DID check the label! Eh malay ko bang seryoso pala sya.

Hala. So may labels na nagjo-joke lang?

SATURDAY NIGHT (January 31)

My housemate Glenn emerged from his room about to go out. Andre and I were at the living area.

Yoshke: Glenn, you having dinner?
Glenn: Yes.
Yoshke: I’m going with you. I wanna have dinner now.
Andre: Look at you, you’re so selfish. I thought we’re friends! You didn’t even consider me. I’m hungry, too, you know.
Yoshke: I did consider you.
Andre: You said “I’m going with you.”
Yoshke: Well, yeah… but I meant the two of us.
Andre: How? You said “I’m going with you…” I, I… Singular pronoun!
Yoshke: I meant the two of us coz… *isip ng palusot* Coz… Coz… Coz you’re already a part of me.

WTF! Wahaha.

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