A Break-up Letter


I never expected I'd be writing you this letter. We've had six years of wonderful memories but I'm afraid it had come to the Read more

Welcome to the New Yoshke.com


New look. New attitude. New experiences. Honestly, I had been neglecting this blog the past few weeks because of my awfully hectic schedule. Work had Read more

Sometimes We Burn to Live


Whenever I meet people for the first time, it always happens. When they start their sentence with "I hope you don't mind me asking but," Read more

Judging By the Cover


Our office is just a stone's throw from where I live. In fact, all I have to do is cross EDSA and voila, hello Read more

Fireworks, Hormones, and this Blog Post


You remember last week when I told you I found it difficult to blog since I met you? Since we became a couple officially, Read more

Do They Read Blogs in Heaven?


Whenever I say that the earliest memory I have is the accident wherein I had my left arm somewhat toasted, I lie. My earliest Read more

Unusual Breakfast


Here we are again. In the usual corner. Usual table. Usual diner. Usual time. And most probably, usual meal. I'm getting tired of this Read more

Top 10 National Stereotypes


Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by Read more

EDSA


It could have been a horrible Saturday. I was in the passenger seat. It was a bit raining. Normally, EDSA gets on my nerves. That's why Read more

Why Nursery Rhymes Are So Violent


A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly Read more

Top 10 Worst Things to Say During Sex


Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two Read more

The Promil Kid Drops the Bomb


Of all the living things created by God, I love my nephew the most. I call him the Promil Kid. He’s the cutest thing. Read more

••••••

Conversations

Dirty Fruits and Veggies

Posted on March 30, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Humor |

In the movie and TV industry, it is common for people to use metaphors when talking about things that we should not talk about (or at least, that’s what MTRCB says). So to avoid vulgarities, people use vegetables to refer to body parts that must not be named. Talong for male genitalia. Pechay for female.

I know one director whose 6-years-old daughter had been so immersed to the culture of movie production that the kid would often hear the word “pechay” when the adults were talking about the vagina.

One day, straight from school, the daughter exclaimed, “Ma, yung pechay pala ay gulay din?!?“

Sabi tuloy ng friend ko, “Shet, nung pinagkulay kaya sila ng teacher nila ng pechay, malamang pink yung kinulay nun! Or black!” Wahaha.

…

Walking from Robinson Forum’s lane of food stalls, my officemates Maik, Aiza, and I compared what we would be having for lunch. Maik got his lunch from Mang Porky’s. I got mine from Choice Burgers.

Yoshke: Oh, when did they start adding bananas to their meals?
Maik: Recently. Perhaps they noticed that Choice Burgers were doing really good so they just had to imitate.
Yoshke: Yeah. Maybe.
Maik: But I think the bananas they have are longer.
Yoshke: Oh? Let’s check.

I whipped out my banana while Maik took his out. I held my banana up in the air and Maik placed his beside mine. Aiza butted in.

Aiza: Grabe! Dito pa talaga kayo nagpahabaan ng saging nyo!

Sorry lang. Ilegal na ba magsukatan ng saging ngayon?!

(Pahabol, mine was longer.  :D )

…

A conversation over lunch. Esan was eyeing Kat’s banana. Kat was a little reluctant to give it to Esan.

Esan: Anong saging yan?
Mads: Lacatan. Lacatan yan, di ba?
Yoshke: Yep. Lacatan yan.
Esan:Mas gusto ko yung isang klase.
Mads: Baka latundan?
Esan: Ano yung latundan?
Yoshke: Ang alam ko yung mas maputi yung laman tapos mas maliit.
Esan: Ah yun nga yung gusto ko!
Yoshke: Yung gusto ko ay senorita.
Mads: Anliit naman!
Esan: Pero pinakamasarap yung saba!
Mads: (weirded out) Hala, saba. Yung panluto? Yung nilalaga?
Esan: Oo. Masarap yun. Kahit hindi niluto, masarap yun.
Yoshke: Masarap naman talaga ang saba. Masakit lang.

WTF?!

…

Three years ago, when Andre and I were still housemates in Teachers’ Village.

Yoshke: Di ba, you’ve been colonized na? How do you handle it? Doesn’t it hurt?
Andre: It hurts, alright. Especially at first. But one should get used to it.
Yoshke: So how does one get used to something like that?
Andre: Well, that’s what the veggies in the refrigerator are for.

He even mentioned the levels of difficulty — saging >> talong >> pipino >> upo.

Upo?!?!?! Wahahahaha.

(Andre was kidding, by the way.)
*images courtesy of  quickblogcast.com, heavypetal.ca

 

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Protected: Faux Arrogance

Posted on March 17, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor, Rants, TV |

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Office Distractions

Posted on February 19, 2009 by Yoshke in Career, Conversations, Friends, Humor, Love |

ACCUSING DISTRACTION

Tuesday morning. Esan, a brand new co-worker, excitedly told me about someone she used to work with.

Esan: Yoshke! I’d introduce someone to you! You’ll like him. He’s hot  and a real gentleman! His name is ^&%##.
Yoshke: Esan, I’m already seeing someone. I’m a one-man man. I’m one loyal, trustworthy guy.
Esan: Wushooo…
Yoshke: Ano namang tingin mo saken? MALANDI?
Everyone in the office, who, apparently, was listening: OO!

Hala. Sabay-sabay pa.

Singit pa nung isa, “At feeling mo HINDE?” Haha.

Henaku. Hindi naman talaga…

REPEATING DISTRACTION

One boring afternoon at the office.

Yoshke: If I tell you that I can sketch and paint, will you believe me?
Emcy: Yeah.
Yoshke: Eeeeeh. You shouldn’t have said “yes.” I wanted you to say “no.” Then I’d tell you “Yes, I can!”
Emcy: Hahaha.
Yoshke: Hmmm. I hate you! It didn’t go the way I wanted it to. So we’re gonna do it again!
Emcy: Haha. Okay.
Yoshke: Emcy, If I tell you that I can sketch and paint, will you believe me?
Emcy: No.
Yoshke: Yes, I can!

Parang tanga lang kami.

CONFUSING DISTRACTION

Yoshke: Emcy, pabili naman ako ng cupped noodles (or cup noodles?). Nissin ha, Nissin. Seafood flavor. Nissin ha! NISSIN!
Emcy: Ah sige, anong noodles? Lucky Me Supreme?

Anong mahirap intindihin sa sinabi ko. Sabihin nyo saken. Anooo?!?!?!

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Another Weekend With Andre

Posted on February 9, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

FRIDAY NIGHT (February 6)

Sa MRT Ayala Station. While waiting for TP Winwin who was at a reloading station, we couldn’t decide where to go and what to do…

Yoshke: O ano nang kyeme natin?
Andre: Depende nga sayo kung kekyeme tayo. Eh di ba nga may kyeme kang hinihintay?
Yoshke: OK lang naman sa akin kahit ano.
Andre: So kekyeme nga tayo? Kasi kung hindi tayo kekyeme, uuwi na ko. Dito lang naman sakayan ko.
Yoshke: Gusto mo bang kumyeme?
Andre: Gusto kong kumyeme kasi ayoko pang umuwi. Eh ikaw nga? Anong kyeme mo?
Yoshke: May kyeme lang ako. Kung kekyeme tayo, san tayo kekyeme? Eh yun lang naman ang kyeme ko.
Andre: Sa Sidebar nga tayo kekyeme.
Yoshke: Sige, kyeme na tayo.

Akalain mong nagkaintindihan kami nun!

SATURDAY MORNING (January 31)

Andre went up to my room. He just woke up. I’d been listening to Kelly Clarkson for almost an hour already when he came in.

Andre: I gargled with Astring-O-Sol. I poured the liquid to the cap up to the brim and gargled.
Yoshke: Full cap? Up to the brim? It’s Astring-O-Sol CONCENTRATED! You’re supposed to mix it with water!
Andre: I know. I found out the moment I put it in my mouth. I can’t feel my mouth right now.
Yoshke: Wahaha. Next time, sabi nga ni Dyan Castillejo sa NIDO commercial, it pays to check the label!
Andre: I DID check the label! Eh malay ko bang seryoso pala sya.

Hala. So may labels na nagjo-joke lang?

SATURDAY NIGHT (January 31)

My housemate Glenn emerged from his room about to go out. Andre and I were at the living area.

Yoshke: Glenn, you having dinner?
Glenn: Yes.
Yoshke: I’m going with you. I wanna have dinner now.
Andre: Look at you, you’re so selfish. I thought we’re friends! You didn’t even consider me. I’m hungry, too, you know.
Yoshke: I did consider you.
Andre: You said “I’m going with you.”
Yoshke: Well, yeah… but I meant the two of us.
Andre: How? You said “I’m going with you…” I, I… Singular pronoun!
Yoshke: I meant the two of us coz… *isip ng palusot* Coz… Coz… Coz you’re already a part of me.

WTF! Wahaha.

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The Promil Kid Goes to School

Posted on January 22, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Family, Health, Humor |

I’ve been sick since Monday. Tonsilitis again. Last year, I had this seven (or eight?) times. Gaaaah. Told ya, the relationship between infections and my tonsils is almost romantic. They love each other sooo much, they might elope in the near future. But if there’s any consolation, I’m losing weight FAST! Yay for that.

Anyway… Guess who’s back!!!

BECAUSE TEPID RAIN ISN’T FROM HEAVEN

One night, I was in the middle of a barren land. A few months before, it was a cane field. Then my childhood started playing in my head again. This was where my brother and I ran kites. This was where my friends and I played softball. This was where I used to kick my football around on. But this time was different. It was a cold evening. And it was raining. And I was happy. I haven’t walked in the rain in a long, long time.

Something was wrong, though. The water was warm.

And I woke up. It was a dream. I opened my eyes. And there was my nephew. Standing on the bed. Peeing. Sleep-peeing. On me.

Cue: Abba, “…I’ll cross the stream. I have a dream….”

BECAUSE GLOATING IS FUN

If there’s one thing that my nephew didn’t get from me, that’s shame. I have always had a strong sense of shame since I was a baby. (Yeah, I never made dede in public. Haha. Weh?)

My nephew, on the other hand, does what he wants when he wants it. Like dozing off. NEVER have I ever slept at the workplace or at school. But my nephew, gaah, his classroom is his bedroom. He finds it comfy. And no matter how hard his Teacher Janna tries, he always uses Science class hour for his nap time.

So when his first Periodic Exam came last August (?), I was a little scared for him. When we passed the gates of his school, he was greeted by many of his classmates’ parents with disheartening remarks. One of them even asked my nephew sarcastically, “Oh, how are you gonna pass this test when you always sleep your way through the classes?”

I couldn’t reply. Wait there, you old hag; I’ll come up with a sinister, condescending comment, I thought. But I couldn’t. No condescending comment was thrown. I was not sure how he was gonna make through this exam, either.

When the exam was over, I asked my nephew how it was. He shrugged, “It’s okay.”

The next day, I was waiting for my nephew’s class to finish. Apparently, the papers had been checked and the results were out.

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Weekend With Andre

Posted on January 19, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Fashion, Friends, Humor |

Status: SICK! TONSILITIS! My first this year.
Music: Mad – Ne-Yo | Poker Face – Lady GaGa

Last year, my friend Andre introduced Diego to me. And right then, I fell in love. Diego was just soooo nice and cool and fashionable and affordable. Oh, sorry, I’m talking about the store. DIEGO Store.

Their items, especially their pullovers and shirts were so cute. The best thing about it is that since it’s not that popular yet, you don’t have to worry about being in the same place with someone wearing the same shirt. Exactly the reason I stay away from popular lines like Penshoppe, Bench, Folded and Hung. I don’t usually care about fashion, but it happened to me once. I was wearing Bench and I ran into a guy who was in the same shirt. Gaaaah, mortifying.

Last Friday (8pm), Andre and I dropped by the Mall of Asia to grab a gift. And we came across a new shop — FOX. And whoooah, I looove the store. It excites me in ways that only sex does. It’s an Israel-based fashion chain. They have really, really pretty items there, and they are not costly!

My conscience tells me I must come back. Yeah, coz my conscience is gay like that.

Saturday, 1am.

After the party. Somewhere around BF Homes in Paranaque.

Andre: You wanna kill time at Starbucks?
Yoshke: Eeeh. I don’t wanna spend anymore. I have a couple of gift certificates from my boss but I left them at home.
Andre: Oh, you don’t need gift certificates. You just need me.

Huwaaaw. That’s me being a friend with benefits. LOL.

Saturday, 6pm

While on the train to my apartment. Andre spotted a cute CILF (Commuter I’d Like to Fu… er… poke. yeah, Commuter I’d Like to Poke). Make that CILP.

Andre: Confirmed. That guy is gay.
Yoshke: How’d you know?
Andre: He’s wearing Folded & Hung.

Wahahahaha. WTF.

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Similes and Metaphors

Posted on January 12, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

HEADACHE

On the way to my boss’s house for a little booze session last Friday night, I couldn’t help bitching about my terrible headache. I was sitting in the backseat with Mads.

Yoshke: Gaaaahd, my head aches like hell.
Mads: Why?
Yoshke: I dunno. But the street lights hurt my eyes, too. Everything’s too bright. And it sends my brain to pain-land.
Mads: So it really aches? How painful is it?
Yoshke: Very. Very painful…. Like the first time.

Like whaaaat?!?! WTF. Wahaha. Steve, who was driving, and Kat, in the passenger seat, let out a little WTF-giggle. Wahaha. I didn’t know why I said that. Like the first time. What was I thinking?!?

(And just a clarification, I know you’re thinking that, well, it’s not that. Wahaha. Aright, too much info.)

RUSSIA

My housemates and I have been noticing how everyone we know seems to be gaining weight. So much weight. Ourselves, included.

Yoshke: Gaaah. I just can’t believe it. When I shopped for pants last year, I was always safe picking size 27 or 28.  Now, I’m 32. And it’s only been a bit more than a year.
Dane: Haaay, me, too. I remember one of my Korean friends. He called one of my skinny batchmates “fat.” And she WAS thin. At that moment, I thought “God, if she’s fat; what does that make me?”
Yoshke: OMG. Have you seen ^&%^%.
Frances: Yeah, yeah, he’s sooo big.
Yoshke: True! When I saw him the other night, I could’ve yelled at him, “OMG! Look at you! You’re bigger than Russia!”

Hey, don’t judge me. At least, it wasn’t the Soviet Union.

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The People Around Us

Posted on December 10, 2008 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor, University |

SIR HUBERT

On the way to the Subterranean River Park, we were being briefed by our Tour Guide. He was telling us many interesting things about Palawan. One of us, itago na lang natin sa pangalang Sir Hubert, asked, “San magandang mamalengke dito sa Puerto Princesa?”

At sumagot si Tour Guide, “Sa palengke po.”

Tama nga naman.

KAT

One of my officemates was raving about the places they visited on the third day. Itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang Ma. Katrina Larida. “Grabe, ang ganda talaga sa Crocodile Farm! Andami-daming crocodiles!”

Ay friend, sana naman madaming crocodiles dun bilang crocodile farm sya.

REEN

Yoshke: Reen! Help! Gaaaah! I think I’m falling in love with an animé character!
Reen: Gagu! You’re asking the wrong person. I’m married to one!

REEN’S 2ND YEAR P.E. TEACHER

2nd year PE teacher: “Would you please pick up the pieces of DIRT!”
Reen: Ah eh ma’am medyo mahirap isa-isahin ang alikabok.

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Inside the Previous Room

Posted on November 21, 2008 by Yoshke in Conversations, Emo, Friends |

The other night, I had a strong urge to text someone. Kuya Ethan (name changed to protect our friendship, haha). He’s my 23-year old friend who had been my roommate since my early days in college until we parted ways middle of this year.

Although extreme opposites, we got along really well. He doesn’t like my political stand but I’m not a fan of his Republican ways, either. His sense of humour is very different from mine. He smirks at my favourite films and songs. He doesn’t like me being gay although he understands and respects me completely. He’s very reserved and serious while I’m very vocal and opinionated. He’s more of the logical type (a Law student) while I’m more creative (a Film graduate). He doesn’t like some of my other friends but he is totally aware that most of my friends have a huge crush on him. (He’s cute, btw.) He’s a light sleeper. I’m a late sleeper.

Despite all our differences, I found an older brother in him. And yes, I miss him.

Days after we decided to live separately, he was always telling me that there was no chance he would miss me. And I would just laugh it off, most of the time. Not sharing the room with him required tectonic adjustments at first. But eventually, I got used to it. A week after we separated, I received a text message from him.

Ethan: Hey, where are you?
Yoshke: Home. Why?
Ethan: Aaah.
Yoshke: Why?
Ethan: Nothing.
Yoshke: Why? Why? Why?
Ethan: It’s just that I’m in Trinoma and I was wondering if you were around the area. Maybe we could grab dinner.
Yoshke: Wahahaha. Someone’s missing me!

Kuya doesn’t like showing emotions. He doesn’t like mushy things. But back then, a number of times, we always found ourselves in rare mushy friendship talks. One time, I came home late. He asked me where I had gone and I told him I was with my friends. Kuya is always cynical when it comes to human relationships.

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Words of Wisdom from Dohna Sarmiento

Posted on November 10, 2008 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

Trinoma, Quezon City. September 2008.

I don’t eat beef.

Don’t ask why not. I don’t know either. I just don’t.

But of course, I know how it tastes like. Last month, I was at FoodEx Trinoma to taste beef for the first time. (It was the first of the three times I ate beef in my life.) Mimay, JT and Dohna were all there to witness the momentous event. Mimay had it recorded. Video uploaded to Facebook.

I ordered T-Bone steak. They were all crying “Oh my God” repeatedly in anticipation. Because you know, one day, I’ll be so famous and I’ll be a great historical figure and people will go back to that moment as the first time I ate beef. They’ll be erecting a monument in the middle of that mall captioned “This was where The Great Yoshke Dimen had his first beef.” And it will become a popular tourist destination besting New York’s Statue of Liberty, Rio’s Jesus Christ the Redeemer and the then most visited Manila’s Yoshke The Full-of-Himself Tower.

Anyway, just when the first morsel touched the tip of my tongue, Dohna asked me “How was it?”

It took me several seconds before I could finally answer. I had to chew and swallow, you know.

“Yummy. A bit gummy,” was my answer. “Not as bad as I expected but not as good as people say it is.”

They were all delighted with my response. It meant “I liked it.” I was just sorta in denial but I liked it.

“You see? You liked it, right? Beef is very good,” Dohna said as-a-matter-of-fact-ly. “Beef is our friend.”

“If beef is our friend, why do we have to eat it?” I replied.

“Well…” Dohna paused and then uttered confidently, “Because sometimes we have to eat our friends! In  order to live.“

Wahaha.

Mimay added “And because they eat us, too. Unto unto others, unto unto you!“

Ad Congress. Subic Bay. November 2007.

After the Neil Gaiman event, Ayn, Astrid, Dohna and I decided to kill time at the Subic Bay Christmas Carnival. We hadn’t been at a “perya” in a long time. Enchanted Kingdom not counted. When I say “perya,” I mean those horrible yet fun places where you feel like the Ferris Wheel will come crashing down any minute and whenever you brush your hand with the grimy metal railings, you feel like a bottle of Green Cross alcohol won’t be enough and you won’t touch food in the next 72 hours. And whenever you hear a scream, you assume it’s not of excitement but of agony and you picture a little girl free falling from that Ferris Wheel you thought was made of rust. Haha. But peryas are fun. Haha.

After almost an hour of deciding what rides to take, we ended up not taking any. Haha. So we just agreed to wait for Lei and hitch a ride back to Manila — the only ride we were gonna take that day.

We were staying near a puto-bumbong stall — all tired, sleepy and waiting. All quiet. No one was saying anything. Until Dohna broke the silence with a song. Out loud, she started singing “Burn” by Tina Arena.

“Do you wanna be a fo…” And then she stopped singing so suddenly. She realised she might have mispronounced something. Might have. Haha.

Ayn, being herself, smirked and asked “What? A FFFoet? Do you wanna be a FFFoet?“

Ah sarcasm. Sarcastic bickering. My favourite hobby.

“I was gonna say ‘FOREST!’” said Dohna, thinking she could fool us.

I butted in, “Why on earth would you want to be a forest? Why would anyone want to be a forest?!?“

We all laughed. Dohna was silent.

“Err… Coz they want to… burn? ” was her answer. Clever.

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