Status: I’m gonna smile coz I deserve to.
Music: Better in Time / Yesterday / Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

Last night, I was locked out of the house again. (I know, my silly keys are so stupid they like to stay inside while I’m out.) As I was waiting for my roommate, I started thinking about the men I have had an emotional connection with since I came out in college. While many of these guys I still see and hang out with every once in a while, some of them I haven’t had a chance to talk with in a very long time.

I also realised one thing: I’m not a fan of second chances. When a part of something is messed up, I tend to throw it all away. Hahaaaay.

Anyway, here are the things I want to say to these people whom I want to thank for making me feel happy for a period, albeit very short. (I’m sorry, I will not drop names. Haha.)

- O - -
No two men could be closer than we have been. You taught me a lot of things. You opened my mind to a multitude of new ideas and experiences. We were friends. We still are. People ask me if we had something romantic going on back then. I don’t know. I certainly did not think we had more than friendship although there were too many times you made me feel that I was more than a friend. They say that not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. But in this case, I’m happy not knowing if we really had something. I loved what we had, whatever it was.

- - A - -
Why? What happened to us?

- - - E - -
You brought me the most intense pain. You say you suck at saying sorries? Even if you did apologise earlier, I don’t think it would have made a difference. Sometimes, sorry doesn’t make things better. Sometimes, sorry is just plain annoying.

- E - - -
You are sooo last year. We had it. We lost it. We’ll see each other again this weekend and I hope there will be no damaging awkwardness.

- - - O
I’m sorry I lied when you asked me. Try again. Please try again.

- O - - - -
Maybe one day. But not today. Not anytime soon.

A - - - -
You have no idea. You have no idea.

- - A - - -
Just hang in there. Don’t disappear.

- - - I -
Maybe it was just really a bad time. I have made up my mind. I will not wait. I know I said I would but I changed my mind. I ain’t going to. Anyway, we’re good.

image courtesy of pro.corbis.com

Status: Starved.
Music: So Close - Jon Mclaughlin

It’s Victor’s 22nd birthday today. (Yes, he was born just when thousands of people gathered in EDSA for the first People Power Revolution in 1986.)

Victor is my bestfriend. He’s been my bestest friend since Kindergarten. Seriously. We’ve known each other since we were four. That makes us friends for almost 18 years. That’s 4/5 of our lives. Hehe. So today, I just wanna greet him.

He has no idea that this blog exists, thus there is very little chance he’d come across this post but what the heck? Yep, Victor doesn’t know I blog because he doesn’t have to know about my sexuality. Hehehe. Some bestfriend I am.

###

I was born nine days after Victor. But since it’s leap year, my birthday is still 10 days away. Hmmm. This is the first time I’m gonna do this: make my own wishlist. Hehe. Come on, it’s my birthday. Just let me do this.

a new football / soccer ball
a fashionable vest
a small sling bag
a pair of tennis rackets
a Giordano or Diego shirt (yeah, brand matters)
Bvlgari Aqva perfume
a pirated DVD showcase (hehehe)
Gerard Butler (yum)
Christian Bale (yum, yum)

and you. You know who you are. I want you for my birthday. haha.

Well, that’s all. See? I’m not even that materialistic. Haha.

###

Anyway, since we’re already talking about birthdays, let me just say that February is one of my favorite months. Unlike January with which I’ve always had a love-hate relationship, Feb has been consistently kind to me. Aside from that, most of my friends said their first hellos to the world in these months.

1 - Josh De Beauvoir, Dah Venturanza
6 - Victor Villanueva
10 - Sol Garcia, Aina Pacion
14 - Robin Rodriguez
21 - Andre Montejo
24 - Rico Pangilinan
26 - Jumel Alilio, Ces Vitan
27 - Pam Condeno, Jordan Santos
28 - Hermann Claravall

So there. Happy birthday to y’all.

I would watch a movie.
As I stood there at the bus stop
14 buses came and went
11 Drivers asked me to hop in
I refused.
Told them I would watch a movie.

8 pretty women passed by
6 of them smiled at me
1 talked to me
I said I would watch a movie
Trying to catch the 2:15 screening
2 jet planes flew overhead
Their shadows, an image of 2 Jesuses making love
I imagined God cringe at me
But I would just watch a movie
It wasn’t as horrible as the 4 times I forged my prof’s signature
And that 1 steamy moment I had with my bestfriend’s partner
And the 4 days I spent in the office just watching porn.
I would just watch a wholesome movie.

Not like this R-18 flick
The poster behind me
And 17 other ads posted on this board, 4 ft x 3
A Korean needing a English tutor
A man selling a Nokia 3210
A 20% off promo on motel accommodations,
No time for motels.
Today, I would watch a movie.

2.45 ft below it are 6 bread crumbs
371 ants falling in line for lunch.
At exactly 2:15.42, rain pours
288 rain drops initially
A miniature great flood
370 ants drowned in God’s urine, 60 mL
Only 1 pulled off a Noah
I picked it up
And crushed it.
It would bite me; I was sure.
Besides, it couldn’t survive alone.
It wouldn’t last the day counting crumbs and raindrops.
Ants can’t watch movies.
I’d seen so many movies; I lost count.

I would watch another movie.

…

Note: Blogger’s original work. Don’t plagiarise. To those who would dare, as Ayn said it, may the wrath of heaven and earth fall upon you. Please see legal and ethical reminders on the sidebar. Thanks very much.

Yoshke is back. I am sooo back.

…

Year 2007 came to a close pleasantly. It was so good to me. In fact, it was the best year of my life. Years of resentment ended. Nice closures. New environment. New people. New business. New job. New achievements. New opportunities. New life.

2008 should be promising a fuckin’ wonderful year ahead. But right now, I am not happy. I look happy but I am not. I just feel so miserable inside. Something died. I wish I could say that I have no idea what robbed me of the happiness I had long kept in my hands. But I know exactly what it is.

Yes, I am back. But I left something in 2007 and I need it back. Badly.

The truth is, I feel like I’m on the brink of depression. Seriously.

…

“If I were thinking clearly, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition.”
— Virginia Woolf in The Hours

…

I am back.

Status: I guess I’m dreamin’ again.
Music: Crush Crush Crush - Paramore

Since I’m agnostic and I’m still yet to decide if God really exists or not, may I ask those who are sure that He exists to pray for me for two reasons:

1. The second part of my Foreign Service Exams is just a couple of days away. It’ll be from December 19-21 (Wednesday to Friday). The truth is, I still haven’t opened my books because I’ve been busy with work. I need to review so baaad. So those of you who want to give me some moral support, I’ll be at Gloria Jean’s or Starbucks in Tomas Morato from Monday to Tuesday the whole day (and night). Haha. Nah, really. Coz I can’t study at my apartment — too much distractions around. Waaaaah. I don’t even know why I’m blogging right now. I’m supposed to be reading the ASEAN Charter.

2. Another damn reason I need your prayers is my freakin’ nape. The back of my neck has been giving me the torture of the century for some unknown reason. And it’s not just nape pains. It comes with terrible headache and dizziness — complete package. It’s been bothering me at work for two weeks now.

I went to the hospital and had a check-up. They checked my blood pressure — normal. They took an X-ray of my cervical spine (I believe that’s “neck” in English, haha) — nothing there. They told me that since both tests produced negative results, it could only be one of two things: an eye problem or stress. I really think it’s the latter coz I visit my ophthalmologist regularly and the last time he checked, my vision was 20-20 and perfectly normal except for a couple of cracks on my right lens. MMMkey. The doctor said that I should take some good rest and if nothing changed after a week, then I should come back.

Here’s the problem. How am I gonna take some rest when my exam is just two days away? But if I don’t rest, how am I gonna answer those damn questions well when my nape and head feel like they are gonna explode anytime? But if I rest, how am I gonna study for the exam? And if I don’t take some rest, how am I gonna take the test? And if I take some rest, how about my test? And if don’t rest… Damn, we’re going in circles here. But you do understand my problem, don’t you? It’s a chicken-egg thing. Pffffft.

REST or TEST?! Either way, I’m dead. You see, I need your prayers. If you’re an atheist, just wish me luck. That will do.
image courtesy of nicholsoncartoons.com.au

Status: I’d walk with my people if I could find them.
Music: Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind

Last Friday our team had a party at Lauren’s place as a part of our semimonthly office gatherings. There were lotsa fun, food, and of course booze. Among my officemates, there were only a few people who knew about my sexuality — Bridget, who used to be my classmate in UP; Aika, who is also from UP; Chemae, who said she could be bisexual so I confessed to her, too; and Jon, a straight guy whom I volunteered the information to when we were having a drink two weeks ago. But I’m sure others had a clue. I mean, with all my YM status messages, it was pretty obvious. Perhaps, some were just afraid to ask.

Anyway, back to the party we had a drinking-slash-honesty game called “never-have-i-ever.” In this game, a player says a statement beginning with “never have I ever.” For example, “Never have I ever had sex.” All those who have had sex MUST drink. Then another player says another statement. It’s really a nice way to get drunk, hihi.

My officemates came up with statements like:

• Never have I ever had flunked a Math subject. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever slept at work. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever been attracted to anyone in the office. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever had sex in a public place. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever had sex with a stranger. (I didn’t drink.)

I thought, Heck, when will I have to drink? And then came Chemae with her very provocative statement:

Never have I ever had sex with someone from the same sex.

I drank. Bottom’s up.

Wow. The reactions varied widely. Disbelief was painted on some of them. I heard a couple of oh-my-gawd’s. Some are shocked. Lauren kept yelling at me (more like cursing, really). Others weren’t surprised at all giving me an “I-knew-it” look. The ones who knew had a grin slashed on their faces. Their eyes glued to the man of the moment — ME.

I said defensively, “What? Whoever said I was straight?!”

Yep, I didn’t tell them about my sexual orientation but I never told them I was straight. Besides, they never asked. “Coming out” to them was not a good feeling. But it wasn’t bad, either. Until now, I’ve been thinking if I did the right thing. Sometimes I think that maybe I should’ve just kept it to myself and enjoy the idea of my colleagues thinking I’m straight. You know, some things are better left unsaid. But it was an honesty game. And I was just being honest.

My sexuality is something that I am not proud of, but I am not ashamed of, either. I don’t usually volunteer the information. I only tell a person when I’m asked. It was never an issue for me (unless when the person asking knows my family or is family).

So far, I still haven’t felt the aftermath of my honesty. That night, there was no tension or friction or discomfort or whatsoever. Heck, they were all drunk. Today that work resumes, I shall know.

One thing is for sure, though: I do not and will not regret the moment that I drank that glass of beer.

image courtesy of euroross.blogspot.com

Status: Wish I’ve done a little bit more
Music: Should Woulda Coulda - Beverly Knight

Wow, I realise that it’s taking me too long to update my blog lately. It’s been a very busy week and it makes me happy. Hehe. Aside from my day job, Tonet and I were able to close a screenwriting deal with an independent film producer. This would be the second full-length script that I sold. If I would continue being able to sell screenplays at the rate I’m going, I wouldn’t even need a day job. So you see, busy means money. Yum, yum.

Anyway, I noticed that it’s been a while since I last talked about my favourite topic in the world: myself. So since most of my readers don’t know me personally, let me tell you a few craps about myself.

… (more…)

Status: Well I’m so garish, a little unfairish…
Music: Childish - Damien Rice

Someone so dear to me has just so casually called me “childish” and “immature.” It’s not a big thing really. But I don’t know why I’m bothered until now. Maybe because I think it’s true.

# # #

I just got a new haircut. I don’t like it. Uh. I think I want to kill a hairstylist right now. I’m contemplating which weapon to use. Scissors? Blade? Razor? Hairspray?

# # #

My sister borrowed some PhP100,000 from me. She said she couldn’t touch her savings and she wanted to start a business. I told her I would only lend her money if she agreed to give me 50% of the profits. She did. So yeah, I think I’m starting a new business. Wish me luck.

# # #

To you son of a bitch, STOP PESTERING ME! I did not screw your boyfriend. I maybe bitchy but I’m not a bitch. He’s cute a’right. But he’s insufferably dumb. All the poor guy knows about is “fashion.” I doubt if he can even spell it. He just gives me migraine attacks the way chocolates do. At least, chocolates have nuts. So. Fuck. Off. 

Status: In Pain
Music: Never Be the Same Again - Melanie C feat Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopez

BREATHE IN, DAMN IT!
My nasty lungs are giving me the torture of the century. Every effin’ breath hurts. Damn. And now I’m imposing a cigarette ban on myself. For now.

###

A TALE OF MY BLOODY TOENAIL
My right big toe is swollen. I got ingrown toenails, and I had been complaining about it since, like, forever but I couldn’t do anything because I was afraid it would bleed. And you know how I react when I get up close and personal with blood. Aargh. My housemate told me to forget about shoes for a while. What?! Are you kidding me? I could stand that pain but not the feeling of looking like a fashion disaster. So I still wore my fave pair of Chucks and got through my day filled with walking, walking, and uh, walking. It was excruciating. Like I said, every breath hurt, and every step did, too. I knew I should’ve just worn slippers. Hehe.

Later that day, I went home limping. Bad mood, of course. I took off my shoes and turn my PC on. But it wouldn’t boot. I pressed power again. Nah. Restart. Nah. In utter frustration, I began jerking the monitor and kicked the CPU with my right foot.

HOLY MARY MOTHER OF CHRIST!

The ingrown nail cut through my big toe and blood started to squirt. Painful is a freakin’ understatement. Not to mention the blood that made me feel more uncomfortable. My initial reflex was to wash away the blood with something. Looked into my bag and found my bottle of Green Cross alcohol, and without thinking, poured some on my bloody toe.

You know what happened next. (Was I cursing in Russian?)

Damn alcohol.

###

THE TROUBLE WITH LOVE ME IS
And of course, there’s this painful feeling of being alone. I’m happy but I still believe I could be happier. My last relationship ended almost two years ago. It was with Liza. Back then, I was busy with my thesis and crazy over someone else (ehehehe, I was so evil).

Hmmm. I’ve been single that long already. Wah.

Prech and Patti told me once that I didn’t know how to handle relationships. That all I was good at was just fall in love. But relationships… I suck (they say). I believe them.

I’ve only had three girlfriends (and zero boyfriends, hehe) but not one of them lasted more than five months.

###

“OKIE. NO BIGGIE.”
Here’s how one of my exes, Michi, and I broke up.

“Hey, so how are we?” She said.
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“Do you want it over?”
“It’s up to you.”
“Won’t you say anything?”
“If you want it over then fine. It’s really up to you.”
“I want it over.”
“Okie. No biggie.”
“I’m serious. I want it over.”
“I am, too. And it’s really no big deal.”

After that, we hated each other sooo much. Both claiming how we still loved each other but incredibly hurt that the other did not even try to fight for the relationship. Yeah. I know, right? I just didn’t want to look like I was on the losing end. Too bad, she shared the same thought.

Oh, pride.

###

“…So when I’m lying in my bed, thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead, I’m loving angels instead….”
— Angels, Robbie Williams