I spent weeks trying to figure out the password to an email account that I had set up two years ago. It was an account especially created for all work-related top-secret files that my colleagues and I kept back then. I was the only one who knew the password. And none of my neurones could remember it. The only thing I was sure of: my password is usually the name of someone I love — Nicole Kidman, Francois Truffaut, Christian Bale, Miroslav Klose…

A password-resetting email was sent to my secondary email address. The problem was, it was already inactive. So I was forced to answer a security question:

What is your pet’s name?

Silly me. I never had a pet. Ever. Damn. I don’t know why I chose this security question in the first place. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

For many nights, I tried to come up with pet names that I might have possibly used as my password. None worked. It was only minutes ago when, out of utter frustration, I typed in “YOSHKE.”

Bingo. It opened. So much for being a UP graduate, cum laude.

I immediately rummaged through my mailbox and found the file I was looking for. Downloaded it. Opened it. But to my surprise, another “Enter password” bullshit popped up. Not again, I thought.

And then, you crossed my mind. Just like that. You crossed my mind. Reluctantly, I typed in something — your name. My fingers spelt it correctly. Yep, the file opened.

Good thing I thought of you first.

Right now, my fingers are still stammering your name. They used to shout it out loud. Two years ago.

I’ve had many passwords after you.

.

.

Now I wish I hadn’t remembered the second password.

Status: Leavin’.
Music: How Far We’ve Come – Matchbox Twenty | This is the Last Time – Keane

I feel cold. I mean that literally. Right now, the cold wind from the air-conditioner is blowing towards my cube as always. Not to mention that I walked from C5 corner Ortigas Avenue, where my sister had dropped me off, to the office (Pearl Drive/San Mig Avenue) early in the morning. Oh yeah, someone was so stupid he walked for 30 minutes in the rain. I don’t know what spirit possessed my body that made me do that but I enjoyed it immensely. Currently, I’m wearing a sweater and I am still shaking. Wuuu.

This is the coldest day since I started working here. Interestingly, today is my last day here. Yep, it’s final. There have been several attempts but this time, I’m really quitting. I already sent my resignation letter two weeks ago. I can’t really explain how I feel right now. A part of me is relieved because I’ve wanted to leave since, er, my second month here. A part of me is sad because, hey, I made a lot of friends here. At the end of the day, it still boils down to money. Would love to have a lot of friends and a lot of money at the same time but the terrible pay here makes it impossible to use the words “happy” and “salary” in one sentence. Oops, I think I just did.

This resignation is also one of my desperate attempts to start a new life. I have no idea why I have been saying “new life” over and over again recently. It’s not as if I’m a drug user or a prostitute and I need to put the past behind. Maybe it’s because I think my life is in disarray now that I need to reassess myself. I need time to reflect and rearrange my cluttered life. Quitting is always difficult. Starting anew is always difficult. But heck, I gotta start somewhere. This is somewhere.

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Status: I’m gonna smile coz I deserve to.
Music: Better in Time / Yesterday / Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

Last night, I was locked out of the house again. (I know, my silly keys are so stupid they like to stay inside while I’m out.) As I was waiting for my roommate, I started thinking about the men I have had an emotional connection with since I came out in college. While many of these guys I still see and hang out with every once in a while, some of them I haven’t had a chance to talk with in a very long time.

I also realised one thing: I’m not a fan of second chances. When a part of something is messed up, I tend to throw it all away. Hahaaaay.

Anyway, here are the things I want to say to these people whom I want to thank for making me feel happy for a period, albeit very short. (I’m sorry, I will not drop names. Haha.)

- O – -
No two men could be closer than we have been. You taught me a lot of things. You opened my mind to a multitude of new ideas and experiences. We were friends. We still are. People ask me if we had something romantic going on back then. I don’t know. I certainly did not think we had more than friendship although there were too many times you made me feel that I was more than a friend. They say that not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. But in this case, I’m happy not knowing if we really had something. I loved what we had, whatever it was.

- – A – -
Why? What happened to us?

- – - E – -
You brought me the most intense pain. You say you suck at saying sorries? Even if you did apologise earlier, I don’t think it would have made a difference. Sometimes, sorry doesn’t make things better. Sometimes, sorry is just plain annoying.

- E – - -
You are sooo last year. We had it. We lost it. We’ll see each other again this weekend and I hope there will be no damaging awkwardness.

- – - O
I’m sorry I lied when you asked me. Try again. Please try again.

- O – - – -
Maybe one day. But not today. Not anytime soon.

A – - – -
You have no idea. You have no idea.

- – A – - -
Just hang in there. Don’t disappear.

- – - I -
Maybe it was just really a bad time. I have made up my mind. I will not wait. I know I said I would but I changed my mind. I ain’t going to. Anyway, we’re good.

image courtesy of pro.corbis.com

Status: Starved.
Music: So Close - Jon Mclaughlin

It’s Victor’s 22nd birthday today. (Yes, he was born just when thousands of people gathered in EDSA for the first People Power Revolution in 1986.)

Victor is my bestfriend. He’s been my bestest friend since Kindergarten. Seriously. We’ve known each other since we were four. That makes us friends for almost 18 years. That’s 4/5 of our lives. Hehe. So today, I just wanna greet him.

He has no idea that this blog exists, thus there is very little chance he’d come across this post but what the heck? Yep, Victor doesn’t know I blog because he doesn’t have to know about my sexuality. Hehehe. Some bestfriend I am.

###

I was born nine days after Victor. But since it’s leap year, my birthday is still 10 days away. Hmmm. This is the first time I’m gonna do this: make my own wishlist. Hehe. Come on, it’s my birthday. Just let me do this.

a new football / soccer ball
a fashionable vest
a small sling bag
a pair of tennis rackets
a Giordano or Diego shirt (yeah, brand matters)
Bvlgari Aqva perfume
a pirated DVD showcase (hehehe)
Gerard Butler (yum)
Christian Bale (yum, yum)

and you. You know who you are. I want you for my birthday. haha.

Well, that’s all. See? I’m not even that materialistic. Haha.

###

Anyway, since we’re already talking about birthdays, let me just say that February is one of my favourite months. Unlike January with which I’ve always had a love-hate relationship, Feb has been consistently kind to me. Aside from that, most of my friends said their first hellos to the world in these months.

1 – Josh De Beauvoir, Dah Venturanza
6 – Victor Villanueva
10 – Sol Garcia, Aina Pacion
14 – Robin Rodriguez
21 – Andre Montejo
24 – Rico Pangilinan
26 – Jumel Alilio, Ces Vitan
27 – Pam Condeno, Jordan Santos
28 – Hermann Claravall

So there. Happy birthday to y’all.

I would watch a movie.
As I stood there at the bus stop
14 buses came and went
11 Drivers asked me to hop in
I refused.
Told them I would watch a movie.

8 pretty women passed by
6 of them smiled at me
1 talked to me
I said I would watch a movie
Trying to catch the 2:15 screening
2 jet planes flew overhead
Their shadows, an image of 2 Jesuses making love
I imagined God cringe at me
But I would just watch a movie
It wasn’t as horrible as the 4 times I forged my prof’s signature
And that 1 steamy moment I had with my bestfriend’s partner
And the 4 days I spent in the office just watching porn.
I would just watch a wholesome movie.

Not like this R-18 flick
The poster behind me
And 17 other ads posted on this board, 4 ft x 3
A Korean needing a English tutor
A man selling a Nokia 3210
A 20% off promo on motel accommodations,
No time for motels.
Today, I would watch a movie.

2.45 ft below it are 6 bread crumbs
371 ants falling in line for lunch.
At exactly 2:15.42, rain pours
288 rain drops initially
A miniature great flood
370 ants drowned in God’s urine, 60 mL
Only 1 pulled off a Noah
I picked it up
And crushed it.
It would bite me; I was sure.
Besides, it couldn’t survive alone.
It wouldn’t last the day counting crumbs and raindrops.
Ants can’t watch movies.
I’d seen so many movies; I lost count.

I would watch another movie.

…

Note: Blogger’s original work. Don’t plagiarise. To those who would dare, as Ayn said it, may the wrath of heaven and earth fall upon you. Please see legal and ethical reminders on the sidebar. Thanks very much.

Status: On the losing end.
Music: By Your Side – Sade

“The art of losing isn’t hard to master,” says one poem. My high school friends always told me that if there was one thing that they admired about me, it was my ability to ALWAYS look on the bright side. True, I was like that. But something robbed me of that optimism. I kind of lost myself somewhere.

On New Year’s Eve, I was about to go to the kitchen when I tripped on my toe. It was excruciating. But then, I made myself believe that I needed that pain to start the year right, so that everything I would feel from then on would be less painful. I was wrong. It was just the start.

I have lost so much since this year started. I lost my 3-year old mp3 player on the way to the office on January 2. I lost my ATM card a week later. And then, I lost my motorcycle while it was parked at the garage of our house in Batangas two weeks ago. I lost P5400 the other night somewhere in Ortigas after a fun gathering with my co-workers. I even lost my toothbrush somewhere in my apartment. The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two opportunities I’d rather not discuss. I lost all the hopes of passing the Foreign Service Exam, which I worked hard on but screwed up just because I failed to follow one simple instruction. I lost my drive to work hard. I lost my passion for writing, even screenplays. I lost my love for the littlest things. I lost my direction. The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two really good friends this month. I lost one to Australia. The other, to the United States, which is now the home country of many of my close friends. The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

And I really, really like someone. But I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m afraid to love him. I’m more afraid to lose. Sometimes, it is not the idea of losing that gets me. It is the feeling of being a loser.

The art of losing isn’t TOO hard to master.

Yes, when I was in high school, I would always look on the bright side. But if there’s one thing that college taught me, it is that some things are so dark they don’t have a bright side.

*with apologies to Elizabeth Bishop
**image courtesy of 121hypnosis.com

Yoshke is back. I am sooo back.

…

Year 2007 came to a close pleasantly. It was so good to me. In fact, it was the best year of my life. Years of resentment ended. Nice closures. New environment. New people. New business. New job. New achievements. New opportunities. New life.

2008 should be promising a fuckin’ wonderful year ahead. But right now, I am not happy. I look happy but I am not. I just feel so miserable inside. Something died. I wish I could say that I have no idea what robbed me of the happiness I had long kept in my hands. But I know exactly what it is.

Yes, I am back. But I left something in 2007 and I need it back. Badly.

The truth is, I feel like I’m on the brink of depression. Seriously.

…

“If I were thinking clearly, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition.”
— Virginia Woolf in The Hours

…

I am back.

Status: I guess I’m dreamin’ again.
Music: Crush Crush Crush – Paramore

Since I’m agnostic and I’m still yet to decide if God really exists or not, may I ask those who are sure that He exists to pray for me for two reasons:

1. The second part of my Foreign Service Exams is just a couple of days away. It’ll be from December 19-21 (Wednesday to Friday). The truth is, I still haven’t opened my books because I’ve been busy with work. I need to review so baaad. So those of you who want to give me some moral support, I’ll be at Gloria Jean’s or Starbucks in Tomas Morato from Monday to Tuesday the whole day (and night). Haha. Nah, really. Coz I can’t study at my apartment — too much distractions around. Waaaaah. I don’t even know why I’m blogging right now. I’m supposed to be reading the ASEAN Charter.

2. Another damn reason I need your prayers is my freakin’ nape. The back of my neck has been giving me the torture of the century for some unknown reason. And it’s not just nape pains. It comes with terrible headache and dizziness — complete package. It’s been bothering me at work for two weeks now.

I went to the hospital and had a check-up. They checked my blood pressure — normal. They took an X-ray of my cervical spine (I believe that’s “neck” in English, haha) — nothing there. They told me that since both tests produced negative results, it could only be one of two things: an eye problem or stress. I really think it’s the latter coz I visit my ophthalmologist regularly and the last time he checked, my vision was 20-20 and perfectly normal except for a couple of cracks on my right lens. MMMkey. The doctor said that I should take some good rest and if nothing changed after a week, then I should come back.

Here’s the problem. How am I gonna take some rest when my exam is just two days away? But if I don’t rest, how am I gonna answer those damn questions well when my nape and head feel like they are gonna explode anytime? But if I rest, how am I gonna study for the exam? And if I don’t take some rest, how am I gonna take the test? And if I take some rest, how about my test? And if don’t rest… Damn, we’re going in circles here. But you do understand my problem, don’t you? It’s a chicken-egg thing. Pffffft.

REST or TEST?! Either way, I’m dead. You see, I need your prayers. If you’re an atheist, just wish me luck. That will do.
image courtesy of nicholsoncartoons.com.au

Status: I’d walk with my people if I could find them.
Music: Deep Inside of You – Third Eye Blind

Last Friday our team had a party at Lauren’s place as a part of our semimonthly office gatherings. There were lotsa fun, food, and of course booze. Among my officemates, there were only a few people who knew about my sexuality — Bridget, who used to be my classmate in UP; Aika, who is also from UP; Chemae, who said she could be bisexual so I confessed to her, too; and Jon, a straight guy whom I volunteered the information to when we were having a drink two weeks ago. But I’m sure others had a clue. I mean, with all my YM status messages, it was pretty obvious. Perhaps, some were just afraid to ask.

Anyway, back to the party we had a drinking-slash-honesty game called “never-have-i-ever.” In this game, a player says a statement beginning with “never have I ever.” For example, “Never have I ever had sex.” All those who have had sex MUST drink. Then another player says another statement. It’s really a nice way to get drunk, hihi.

My officemates came up with statements like:

• Never have I ever had flunked a Math subject. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever slept at work. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever been attracted to anyone in the office. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever had sex in a public place. (I didn’t drink.)
• Never have I ever had sex with a stranger. (I didn’t drink.)

I thought, Heck, when will I have to drink? And then came Chemae with her very provocative statement:

Never have I ever had sex with someone from the same sex.

I drank. Bottom’s up.

Wow. The reactions varied widely. Disbelief was painted on some of them. I heard a couple of oh-my-gawd’s. Some are shocked. Lauren kept yelling at me (more like cursing, really). Others weren’t surprised at all giving me an “I-knew-it” look. The ones who knew had a grin slashed on their faces. Their eyes glued to the man of the moment — ME.

I said defensively, “What? Whoever said I was straight?!”

Yep, I didn’t tell them about my sexual orientation but I never told them I was straight. Besides, they never asked. “Coming out” to them was not a good feeling. But it wasn’t bad, either. Until now, I’ve been thinking if I did the right thing. Sometimes I think that maybe I should’ve just kept it to myself and enjoy the idea of my colleagues thinking I’m straight. You know, some things are better left unsaid. But it was an honesty game. And I was just being honest.

My sexuality is something that I am not proud of, but I am not ashamed of, either. I don’t usually volunteer the information. I only tell a person when I’m asked. It was never an issue for me (unless when the person asking knows my family or is family).

So far, I still haven’t felt the aftermath of my honesty. That night, there was no tension or friction or discomfort or whatsoever. Heck, they were all drunk. Today that work resumes, I shall know.

One thing is for sure, though: I do not and will not regret the moment that I drank that glass of beer.

image courtesy of euroross.blogspot.com

Status: Wish I’ve done a little bit more
Music: Should Woulda Coulda – Beverly Knight

Wow, I realise that it’s taking me too long to update my blog lately. It’s been a very busy week and it makes me happy. Hehe. Aside from my day job, Tonet and I were able to close a screenwriting deal with an independent film producer. This would be the second full-length script that I sold. If I would continue being able to sell screenplays at the rate I’m going, I wouldn’t even need a day job. So you see, busy means money. Yum, yum.

Anyway, I noticed that it’s been a while since I last talked about my favourite topic in the world: myself. So since most of my readers don’t know me personally, let me tell you a few craps about myself.

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