Status: Empty
Music: Welcome to my Life - Simple Plan

This is a (handwritten) journal entry I wrote on February 19 this year. I just came across this page and it’s just nice to look back into my thoughts:

It’s not that I lack dopamine right now because I swear my cigarettes make sure I get my daily dose, but I really feel empty. This is not one of my drama moments. I just feel there’s something missing in my life, or something I still haven’t got. And I need to have it badly. I don’t know what it is exactly — or what they are.

The problem with me is that I want so many things and I want to have them QUICK. I want to do many things. I want to achieve so many things. I want to be so many things. Not that it’s bad. But the thing is, all my plans pile up that I don’t know what to do first and I tend to forget some of them.

Oh well. I don’t know what to do anymore. And it doesn’t make me feel good.

There. And guess what? I still feel like this. Aaaargh.

Status: My eyes are in pain
Music: Miss You Like Crazy - Natalie Cole

It’s been a crazy week. And everything’s driving me crazy. But first, I would like to apologise for my unannounced week-long hiatus. I have a pretty good explanation.

Last Friday morning, I woke up and realised that my left eye was sore. And it was itchy. And teary. And sooo red. And it dawned on me: OH.MY.GOD! I got a “sore eye,” or pinkeye or bloodshot eye! What’s the medical term? Aha! Conjunctivitis. Whatever. And that simple realisation marked the beginning of a terrible week for me. The next day, both my eyes were infected. (I’ll be posting pictures soon. Hehehe). I officially became a walking viral infection. (more…)

..

Status: Pissed
Music: In God’s Hands - Nelly Furtado

I’m a little ticked off. Earlier today, while killing time with a friend at an open-air cafe, a young beggar approached us and asked for money. Being myself that time, I firmly said no, despite the kid’s persistence. My friend was appalled and dismayed by my firmness in not sparing the poor kid some coins. But you know, I’m just not the type who gives alms to paupers on the streets. So my friend just kept on saying not-so-nice things to me while gorging on some chocolate cake and drinking coffee. And I could stand it until he called me an arrogant anti-poor prick. That hit home.

Okay. So I don’t give alms. So what? Does that make me a bad person? Does that automatically mean that I don’t have a heart for the poor? For starters, the primary reason I don’t give money, not a single coin, to wandering kids is because I don’t want them to get used to it. Is it for me? No. It’s for them. What harm will it bring me if I spare them a few bucks? None. But it will harm them. By giving them money, they’d think they could just continue what they are doing running around on the streets begging for money. Does that make me arrogant?

(more…)

Status: Joyful
Music: Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

I just arrived straight from Grill Queen in Teachers’ Village where I had my dinner with a really good friend Josh de Beauvoir. It was my first time to see Josh after more than seven months! The last time we met up was when we had dinner together some time in (early) November.

To be completely honest, I really missed him. Although we weren’t from the same college or department, and we were only classmates in one subject (French 10), we were very, very close. In fact, I’ve considered him as one of my most-loved university friends, to the extent that I had treated him as my little brother. He was sooo childlike and innocent (but his mindset had always been mature), then. Now, he’s grown — confident and independent. (more…)

Beauty surrounds me in this hell
of goods as good as you:
those African love birds that you find
too noisy; those cool keep-out and hands-off signs
that you never respect; those royal purple undies you have
always disgusted; those designer clothes you enjoy
to bash harshly; those elegant jewelry you keep
complaining about; those blue roses that you are
allergic to; those leather shoes that make you
stumble; that exquisite bed you choose
to avoid; that velvet rope you say you can hang
yourself with; that silver pen that can only write
my name; that wrapped gift you left
untouched; that gold ring you love
to misplace; but I won’t buy any of them.
I’m just here to kill

some time. I only have enough money
for that ugly metal door and those new locks as tough as
you. And they are not for sale

today.

Note: Blogger’s original work. Don’t plagiarise. To those who would dare, as Ayn said it, may the wrath of heaven and earth fall upon you. Please see legal and ethical reminders on the sidebar. Thanks very much.

Status: Hopeful
Music: 4 in the Morning - Gwen Stefani

I am not a fan of film festivals and competitions. Er… well… I am. But only up to the spectator level. I’m not really into joining them. Unlike my friend Tonet, who joins every contest imaginable (and won some), I am not the type who really watches out for film festivals.

Yes, I have joined some. Our class project “Comfort Zone” has been to a number of competitions, too. But it wasn’t really my decision. My groupmates took care of the application, requirements and everything. “Sangang Daan” has never exited my room to participate in any contest, primarily because my thesis partner Jerwin and I are too busy and too lazy to actually move a muscle. “Bad Trip,” the documentary I filmed with Nep, made it to ABC5’s TV show “Dokyu” because it was Nep who practically did everything. I didn’t have the drive. I didn’t have the motivation. I didn’t have the passion. And I was just too lazy.

The truth is, long before I graduated from UP, I had already given up Film as a career. So then, I could not see the point of joining competitions and winning any. Back then, I knew I wanted to become a diplomat. I tried looking for Film-related jobs not because I was planning to pursue a career in it, but because I need fillers. I need something to do while waiting for the Foreign Service exam.

But if there’s one thing I could not give up about Film, that’s screenwriting. I’ve always enjoyed writing and I always will.

Last year, Tonet dragged me with her to ABS-CBN for a pitch for CinemaOne Originals. She initially wanted Leo to join her but realising Leo was too busy to be her chaperone, she chose me instead. I never really liked being the second choice but that was Tonet. I could not let her down. She’s a great friend.

CinemaOne Originals had a theme: modern Filipino family. Tonet already had a concept. Although I did not really love her storyline, I helped her in developing it. Though it was Tonet’s project alone (I was just a sabit), I felt proud that Tonet made it to the semi-finals - or finals - the part where you get to pitch. Our pitch was terrible. There were too many flaws in the story. Right there and then, I felt sad. We would not make it. And unfortunately, we were right.

When the winners were announced for that season last year, I was aghast. There were too many big names — film directors, advertising people, and one of our professors back in college. All I could say was, “Oh-key.” But disappointment eventually turned into anger upon realising that their concepts were not really about modern Filipino families — fake identities, boobies falling in love in Rome, metlogs? I mean, come on. So much for having a theme.

(more…)

Status: Anxious
Music: Big Girls Don’t Cry - Fergie

On domestic news, my mum is being annoyingly hardheaded these days. For months now, she’s been complaining about the lumps on her breasts but never really mustered enough courage to see a doctor and once and for all know what it was until last week. Because there seemed to be no reputable hospital or competent physician to take care of her here in Lemery (as far as my mum is concerned), and on my cousin’s advice, she travelled to Lipa City for a series of tests.

A week later, she learned what it really was. But until now, she wouldn’t tell us the findings. And I’ve been sick worried trying to figure out if it’s cyst, tumor, or cancer. She won’t let us know. What’s with the suspense? All she said was that she would face it herself — alone. And that’s she was encouraged to undergo a surgery. But my mum refuse to let the doctors operate on her. Insists she’s not ready and will not be anytime soon.

Damn it. They say ignorance is bliss. But this is something I need to know. I already lost a parent to cancer and I won’t give up the other one to the same killer. Not again.