Dear Yoshke,

You’ve always been the independent and the smart one. Your parents have always been proud of you. But what if, sometimes, you don’t want them only to be proud of you. God knows what you would give just to be loved the way your not-so-independent and not-so-smart siblings are.

Sincerely,
Your evil alter-ego

Status: Berserk
Music: Be Without You - Mary J. Blige

I’ve just arrived from the six-week camp I joined since January 3. It was so fun, yes. But to tell you the truth, it was oh-so-painful, too. After loving and being loved by the kids we were with, parting time was something I dreaded. Until now, it pains me. I really have some attachment problem that I really need to do something about. Anyway, I would love to write about that camp but I just can’t right now. Not that laziness got the better of me. It’s just that I can’t. But I will do it soon — complete with pictures.

Meanwhile, I’m going to write about the recent Grammy Awards. I was disappointed. I am a Dixie Chicks fan. Not a big fan, though. Just a fan. And I love the song Not Ready to Make Nice. It really deserves the Song of the Year Award. But I really, really believe that the Record of the Year Award should’ve been given to Mary J. Blige for Be Without You.

Damn. I miss the kids so much.

Waaaah! I’m losing focus because I’m preoccupied with the thought that I may not be able to see those kids again. It’s sooo sad.

Anyway, to Jordan, Daniel, and Chun, I know you’ll be visiting this website, I just want to say, “Hello.” Haha.

Waaaaaaah! I miss the kids! THE KIDS!!! THE KIDS!!! Especially Peter.

I’ve gone berserk! God knows what I might do to this damn keyboard. Hahaha.

Status: Losing someone I never had.
Music: *Over My Head - The Fray

Nawawalan na ako ng gana. Pakiramdam ko, nawawalan ka na rin ng gana. Hindi ko lang alam kung alin ang nauna.

Basta. Ayoko na.

Status: Sad… Very
Music: Blind - Lifehouse

It’s been almost a year since we met in a very huge, yet strange place where we are both free. During our first months, I thought frequency could shorten the miles and the hours between us. It did not feel we’re half quarter a world apart. We used to say that distance is just another word that doesn’t even matter. And we became emotionally close. But now, I’m starting to feel that distance. I guess the more you get virtually close to someone, the more you realise how physically away he is.

And it pains me now. Too bad I learned to love him. Damn it.

Status: Starving.
Music: Jesus Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood

After having a very interesting conversation with Kuya Tops about God, Jesus Christ and faith last night, I found myself thinking about my beliefs again. You know how much I love God but I don’t believe in Jesus’s divinity, which others find a little off and disturbing. I feel like I am a Jew stuck here in the Philippines with all the Christian Catholics looking at me in utter disgust — Oops, you might get me wrong — I’m NOT a Jew. Unknown to my very strict Catholic family, I do not consider myself a Christian. But last night, the conversation we had just made me asking if all my decisions were right.

And so I talked to God, and said:

“Lord, I know Jesus was great and all.
His teachings are all good, all wonderful, almost divine.
But I want to know if Jesus really is divine.
Is he really Your son? Let me know.
Please. Give me a sign.
If tomorrow, when I wake up,
I remember the dream I just had,
then, that’s it, I’ll be a believer again.”

Last night I had a dream that I just remembered the dream that I had had the night before.

Was that it?

Status: At work
Music: Come to Me - P. Diddy feat Nicole Scherzinger

And yes, I already bid goodbye to my German Pride layout and to my entire blogdrive account as well. From now on, I will be using wordpress and the domain name yoshke.com. But if you still want to see my old blog, all you have to do is click this.

# # #

Anyway, as days go by, it becomes more and more difficult for me to conceal my gender from my family. The more I lie, the more I feel guilty. It would be very easy not to let them know about my sexuality, but lately they are getting suspicious and starting to ask questions that are really tough to answer.

Last week, while having dinner, my mum asked, “Oy, Yoshke, when are you going to bring another girlfriend here?”

And I answered so sweetly, “How can I bring a girlfriend? I don’t have one.”

My sister butted in, “The last time you introduced a girlfriend to us was December last year. Isn’t it time for us to meet a new one.”

“But I don’t have a girlfriend,” I uttered. “I have a boyfriend, though.”

Everybody laughed. It was a joke to them. Although it’s not true that I have a boyfriend right now, I wanted to see what their reactions would be. And they just laughed because they thought I was just joshing them.

But last Wednesday night was a different case. Again, we were having dinner when my mother initiated a talk about having a relative in the workplace. My sister and I share the same opinion, “No way.” And then she demanded for a reason.

I told Mum, “I wouldn’t want to be conscious of everything I do… especially when I know that he/she would tell the entire family of the going-ons in my life.”

My sister got curious, “Such as…?”

“Nothing,” I answered.

“Like something illegal, or something gay or something like it?”

And then my mum got on her feet and asked me with an eyebrow raised, “Are you gay?”

“HELL, NO!” I manly denied.

Oh well, that’s life. The dinner ended with a smug look on my face.

# # #

Let me take this opportunity to actually bash some of my gay friends. It annoys me that I always have to explain about my sexuality. In fact I have already talked about it in detail here. And as I said before, I don’t believe in gender. Gender is just a social construct. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re gay or lesbian or bisexual or whatever you want to call the homosexual/bisexual lot. They are just labels anyway. For me, you’re either male or female. And I don’t care if you’re a man who likes women or other men. I just fuckin’ don’t care. To me, you’re still a man because you have a dick hanging between your legs.

And yes, sometimes I use the term bisexual when talking about myself not because I accept the idea but because I want other people to understand. I may like other men but I LIKE GIRLS, TOO. And if you don’t believe me, then don’t. As if your opinion matters to me anyway.

But for a gay person not to believe that there are people who like BOTH men and women, or those who find it so pretentious, it doesn’t make sense. To think that these are the people who have always wanted open-mindedness so that they be accepted. Why can’t you accept that not all people are like you. Not all people who like men cannot love women just as well. Why can’t you understand this? I don’t know if you just have a pea-sized brain or you have some comprehension problem or you are just plain stupid. Anyway, why am I explaining this now when I know that they will never ever understand.

For the last time, I will tell you this, I love both men and women. And if you don’t want to believe this just because you’re not like me, then what can I say? Try this, just get a dick and never take it out of your mouth if it’s the only way for you to shut up.

And yes, I’m talking to you Bebs and Rex.