Top 10 Weirdest Animal Mating Rituals

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day. This month, Love Month. Gaaawd, it’s mating season once again.

My supposedly 1.5-hour travel time from Makati to Lemery, Batangas became 4.5 hours last night! I was stuck in traffic in Tagaytay for more than three fuckin’ hours! And when I say fuckin’ hours, I mean fuckin’ hours. There are too many people celebrating the Love Day in Tagaytay last night. Damn you lustful people, damn you.

So let’s talk about sex. Aah, sex. Sex — everybody loves sex. Ask your parents, your grandparents or even random strangers on the streets (especially the streets of Tagaytay last night) and they’ll be lying if they tell you they don’t enjoy sex. Admit it, even you enjoy sex as much as everyone does. There’s nothing wrong with it. Everyone does it. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even worms do it. But do you have any idea how exactly animals do it?

You’ll be surprised by how strange the mating rituals of some animals can get. If you think your foot fetish or fascination to bondage and leather is weird enough, take a good look at how our friendly neighborhood animals fulfill their duty to reproduce. Prepare yourself to be blown away by some of the most bizarre mating rituals in the animal kingdom.

10. Tasmanian Devils

Of course, sex is not just about orgasms and all the other heavenly feelings that come with it. Pain is almost always a part of the entire sexual experience. And if there is one animal that knows this fact of life very well, it has to be the Tasmanian devil. If you want to move to Tasmania, expect hearing shrieks from the devils from late February to mid-March, their breeding season. Their mating ritual can be described as a very violent affair. These sadomasochist marsupials engage in ritualized combats. Female devils solicit the males and choose their mates according to physical strength and experience. In other words, they beat up each other, which often results in injuries to the head, rump and neck. Tough love, huh?

9. Pandas

If you think only human beings can appreciate porn, think again. To some pandas, porn is not a stranger. More interestingly, they are not forbidden to watch porn. In fact, they are encouraged to view taped hot, steamy panda-to-panda action by researchers. This is because for quite a while, zookeepers had a hard time getting pandas to breed. They showed very little interest in sex until someone from Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding and Research Base in China decided to show them panda porn!

Although this habit is somewhat forced to them by humans, you cannot deny that their increased interest in making love is enough to make our heads spin. Porn-watching is encouraged today in order to enhance their sexual ability, increase their reproductive capacity and make their population bigger. Thank God for porn!

8. Clownfish

“Finding Nemo” may have taught you a number of facts about the ocean and marine life but there’s something the filmmakers forgot to tell you — Nemo can switch genders. It doesn’t mean that Nemo is gay (But who knows? Haha). It’s just that clownfish, in general, can really switch genders. These lovely bright orange-colored wonders of the sea live in a group which consist of a breeding couple of male and female together with some non-breeding males. The hierarchy is strictly based on size: the biggest is the female, the next biggest is the male. But in the event that the female gets fished or dies for any reason, the breeding male will change his sex and become the female. Then, the largest of the non-breeding clownfish will be promoted to become the breeding male.

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How My Friends See Me II:
“Mastering” Vanilla Sex?

What’s wrong with my friends?

They’ve been so very imaginative lately; they’re accusing me of things. Things that are, well, pretty amusing. Very recently, they, albeit separately, came up with an interesting theory. More like a guess, actually.

ROBIN

While malling. A few months ago.

Robin: I kinda miss the “bossy” you.
Yoshke: Hey, I was never bossy.
Robin: You were. You are. It’s just today that you seem to be not that.
Yoshke: Must be the weather.
Robin: What about the weather?
Yoshke: Humid. Makes me feel sleepy.
Robin: I bet you’re also bossy in bed.
Yoshke: OMG. If I didn’t know you better, I’d think you were hitting on me.
Robin: Ass. It was a neutral question! I just wanna know if you boss your partner around…
Yoshke: Hmmm. So you really wanna know? Haha.
Robin: That’s not what I meant, Dimen.
Yoshke: Then, you’ll never know.
Robin: But really, something tells me you’re into S&M (sadomasochism, sadism and masochism, slave and master).
Yoshke: (bonggang bonggang LOL)
Robin: So, are you?
Yoshke: You’ll never know.

JT

After watching the hilarious 3D animation “Igor” (starring my fave John Cusack)

You see, most hunchbacked assistants to evil scientists in many celebrated literary and film works (Dracula, Frankenstein, etc) are named Igor.

The movie Igor is sooo entertaining that even after seeing it, JT, Klara, Dohna, Chino and I couldn’t shake it off. When I was finally home, I texted JT.

Yoshke: Igor, you home na?
JT: Yes, master. I’ll pull the switch.
Yoshke: Ah JT, stop impersonating Igor. It’s turning me on. JOKE LANG.
JT: Really? Joke daw.
Yoshke: Haha. Bahala ka. You really think I’m into S&M?
JT: Pwede. So what role do you play?
Yoshke: I won’t answer that question.
JT: You don’t have to. I think I know, Mr. Power.
Yoshke: Hahaha. I won’t confirm or deny anything.

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Sex-Spoilers:
Top 10 Most Awful Things to Say During Sex

Note: I originally wrote this entry for Crunkish.com, a really interesting site that our team put up. It is still under construction but if you want to take a peek, knock yourself out.

Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two naked individuals reminds us that we can be free. In fact, in this very intimate and private activity, we let go of all our apprehensions, fears and insecurities. Some people want to do this in silence. Some prefer the rough, noisy way. Whatever way you choose, never spoil the moment by saying something incredibly stupid. Here are the top 10 most awful things to say while making love.

10. “Cream. We should paint the ceiling cream.”

One of the most ridiculous things you can do while having an intercourse is not paying attention to your highly engaging activity. When you’re making love or even just having a plain casual sex, focus on your partner and what you do. Do not think about the ceiling, that busted pin light, that ugly painting on the wall or, God forbid, your business presentation for the next day. Sex requires your full attention not just for you to enjoy the activity but also your partner. If ever you get bored in the middle of romancing, at least act as if you were enjoying. Your partner might be doing his/her best and as a sign of common courtesy, do your best enjoying what he/she gives you… or pretending to enjoy what he gives you.

Just swallow it: “Where’s the remote?” “Hon, did you lock the front door?”
Spit it out: “You’re the best.”

9. “You are so much like your sister.”

Or worse, her mom. Or worst, her dad. When you’re making love, never ever compare your partner to another person you have had sex with. That just ruins everything. Think about this: you two are alone, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind should be fixed on your partner and not wandering in some other world. Comparing is not just mean; it is cruel. If you want your partner to give you maximum satisfaction, don’t pull down his/her ego by trying to see how similar or how different he/she is to others.

Just swallow it: “Now I understand why he dumped you.” “You are as great as my ex.”
Spit it out: “Nothing compares to you.”

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Oh, Men!

…They’re like chocolate cakes, like cigarettes. I know they’re bad for me but I just can’t leave them alone….
— Buses and Trains, Bachelor Girl

Protected: Give Me a Hand

Asian Guys and their Dinky-Doodle-Doo’s

Status: Damn horny. (Kidding)
Music: Size Matters - Natasha Bedingfield

Caution: The following contains sexually explicit language and may be a little graphic. If you are offended by this kind of stuff, please stop reading, skip this entry, or leave now. Thanks very much.

Asians have this reputation of having small dicks. On the average, it is said that among the races, Asians are the least gifted. It’s not congruent to saying “All Asians have small dicks.” That’s a generalisation. As I said, it’s the average. The Africans pride themselves on being the ones with longest manhoods.

And yep, I agree that Asians have small dicks relatively. I have a number of Caucasian friends and they’ve been telling me about this kind of “reputation.” And because I didn’t have anything else to do in the office (oh, I love my job) I searched the web and tried to look for what other people have to say regarding this. And I successfully found a forum regarding races and their sizes. The following are some of their thoughts….

I think it’s a big myth. i’ve been with guys from different ethnicities. there’s never any correlation. as for asian guys, none of the ones i’ve been with had a small dinky… all pretty good size… well, except for one asian dude who was Filipino.

Wahaha. Wow. That was really funny! Err… wait a minute… I’m a Filipino! That’s supposed to hurt! (sobs) Waaaaah! But thanks for defending my fellow Asians. Anyway, here’s another one:

I’ve seen some Japanese porn and the men usually have cocks that are almost half the size of mine.

And a white guy replied to the post above.

Wow. It’s visible with the naked eye?

Oh my God. And I thought they were being evil to Filipinos. What they think about Japanese sizes was even worse.

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