Humor

Keeping Them Straight

Posted on October 8, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Gay, Humor |

“What’s wrong with me?” cried Celine, a friend and colleague. Moments earlier, she mastered the art of using all the functional muscles on her face to signal that there was a hot, goodlooking male behind me. Drowning in excitement and a deadly sin, she watched the guy behind me like she was ready to mate.

“Yeah, he was behind me in the queue earlier. He’s tall. He smelled really nice.” I told her. “And he’s gay.”

“No, he’s not.” First stage of grief, denial.

“Don’t you sense it?” I added. “Look at their body language, Celine. The other guy is his boyfriend.”

“Really? That‘s his boyfriend?”

I nodded.

“Really?! THAT GUY??! With THAT face?” Second stage of grief, anger.

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A Break-up Letter

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Yoshke in Health, Humor, Whatnots |

I never expected I’d be writing you this letter. We’ve had six years of wonderful memories but I’m afraid it had come to the point where you started to break my heart. I should’ve seen it coming since I’ve been finding it hard to breathe lately. It’s time to end the pain that I’m feeling and I just have to say goodbye.

I’ve known you since I was a kid but it was only before my college graduation that we had a real relationship. At first, it was difficult for me to get along with you considering the nasty things some people say about you. They said you would hurt me, and you did. They said, if I continued spending time with you, it would be so hard to let go. It was.

True, you are all the bad things they were saying. Still, I accepted you. I let you get to me deep within. You’re smokin’ hot. I loved the feeling of your body in my mouth. I loved it when my lips touched your butt. You taste like euphoria. You reek of obsession.

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Shy Guy and I: The Thought

Posted on August 7, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Humor, Love, Personal Life |

One romantic night, my hubby Shy Guy and I were lying in our bed. It was one of those nights when we would just drop everything we were doing and just enjoy the moment. No one was saying anything. Just exchanging glances and smiles. After a sweet long embrace and a gentle kiss, he looked at me and found me staring back at him.

“Anong nasa isip mo?” he asked.

I smiled, touched his face and whispered, “Antaba mo na!”

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The Promil Kid’s Love-Hate Affair with iPod

Posted on June 24, 2011 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

One of the things my nephew, the Promil Kid, loved about me was that I had an iPod Touch. At the time, I would always let him play with it since I have an iPhone and we would only meet every month anyway so I figured, “What the hell? Here, play, go.”

In fact, he spent more time with the iPod than me. Or even when we were together, he was still playing Angry Birds or Tap Tap Ants or Drop Chicken or whatever new game I had. So it wasn’t a surprise that whenever I would come home (every month), the first thing he would say to me was “Tito, iPod.” He probably loved it more than me. Haha.

Boy-Meets-iPod Stage

“I SLASHED THE HELL OUT OF THE WATERMELON!!!”

That was what I heard my nephew shouted after trying to play Fruit Ninja on my iPod Touch for the first time.

Yoshke: Hey, you can’t say that word!
Promil Kid: Watermelon? Dada says it all the time.
Yoshke: Not that, “hell!”
Promil Kid: Why not?
Yoshke: It’s a grown-up word.
Promil Kid: Hell, hell, hell, hell…
Yoshke: That’s bad. If you say that again, you’ll go where bad boys are sent to.
Promil Kid: Where?
Yoshke: That place that is not heaven.
Promil Kid: Where is that?
Yoshke: Alright. To HELL!!!
Promil Kid: Whatever.
Yoshke: Where did you learn that word anyway?
Promil Kid: Tito, duh? You say that all the time.

And then he started mimicking how I act when playing and losing — eyes squinted, brows met, fist formed, and mumbling “What the hell?!”

The Will-Do-Anything-For-Love Stage

A repost. I was in my room watching National Geographic when the Promil Kid entered.

Promil Kid: Tito, can I watch “Monsters vs Aliens” on your iPod?
Yoshke: Uhm, no.
Promil Kid: Please?
Yoshke: Hmmm, last night, you said you love your mommy and daddy and Nanay (my mom, his grandma) more than me. And now you want to borrow my iPod? No.
Promil Kid: I didn’t say that!
Yoshke: Yes, you did. You said I’m your fourth most-loved.
Promil Kid: I said third. Mommy then Dad then you.
Yoshke: Sorry, not good enough.
Promil Kid: Second! Mommy then Tito!
Yoshke: Shut up, I’m watching TV.
Promil Kid: FIRST! FIRST! I love Tito the most then Mommy then Dad then Nanay!
Yoshke: That’s what I’m talking about. Yay!

So I gave him my iPod and let him watch the movie in one corner of the room. He had earphones on. Suddenly…

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Akala Mo Lang Wala Nang SLUMBOOK, Pero Meron, Meron, MERON!

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Yoshke in Friends, Humor |

Once upon a time, I had a witty friend who had a witty idea. Her name was Tonet. “Yoshke, I have a brilliant concept for a business,” Tonet exclaimed.

“Ano na namang kagagahan ‘yan?” I asked, knowing her history of kagagahan.

“Let’s create a witty planner that will rival that of Starbucks,” my witty friend explained. “We will sell copies of it. It will be epic!”

“Haynaku friend, I’m so busy with my full-time job. I don’t know where to find time to create a witty planner with you,” said I, who was trying to prove my buzzkill reputation right.

We parted ways and she never brought it up again.

Months had passed when I received a message from her, asking me to blog about the planner she published with a new partner. “Wow, you pushed through with it. Congrats! Send me photos of its pages and if I found them hilarious, I’d blog about it.”

It was hilarious. I blogged about it. Others blogged about it. Needless to say, with the content of the planner, there was no way it would flop. Mainstream media picked it up while a cult following was brewing underground. Soon, my witty friends who created the planner called themselves Witty Will Save the World. I was so proud of them.

After the “I was supposed to get that Coffeehouse Planner but I got fat and broke on my 10th frappe” 2010 Planner, they released these two:

The “Akala Mo Lang Wala Nang Slumbook pero Meron Meron Meron” slumbook
The “Relaks Ka Lang Puso Lang Yan, Malayo sa Bituka” 2011 Planner

And now, after the success of their first slumbook, they are reprinting the “Akala Mo Lang Wala Nang Slumbook pero Meron Meron Meron” slumbook with added features. (When I say features, I mean kagagahan, haha.)

And in the spirit of friendship and fulfilling promises, I’m blogging about it. Oh, I take that back. The truth is, I’m promoting it not because of the friendship and the people behind it but because of the product. It is a real gem, a true treasure, a genuine jewel, and I’m running out of synonyms. It is epic. No, it is E-fawking-P-I-C.

So what is in the slumbook? Well, it has everything you expect in a slumbook and everything you don’t expect in a slumbook. You think I’m confusing you? I won’t do that! I love you coz you’re reading this blog. But I’ll just stop blabbing and let these photos do the talking.

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College Friends Bring On the Crazy!

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

I clearly remember how my friend Dohna attempted to start singing Tina Arena’s Burn with “Do you wanna be a fo…” and tried to get away with it by claiming she was about to say “forest,” not “foet.” And how she shared some words of wisdom, telling me that “sometimes we have to eat our friends in order to live and because they eat us too.“

Well, Dohna is a college friend. And she’s not alone. There are a lot of people like her where she came from. Many of my college friends are hilariously epic.

College friends at Anawangin Cove

Meet Icang

Icang is your girl-next-door type, who just seems lost sometimes. Oh, make that most of the time. She’s the type who reacts to what my other friends and I are talking about just when we have completely moved on to the next topic. She’s adorable like that. No, really, she’s one of my favorite people in the world.

It had been years since I last saw her when we met at Greenbelt last week. I was still single when we last had a conversation and she had a boyfriend then. When we met again, we switched shoes. She was now single and I, happily committed. I was so excited to tell her how happy I was with my current relationship. “We’ve been together for over 2 years,” I said proudly as if saying there’s no way we would break up! “Two years, Icang, 2 years!”

She tapped my shoulder, smiled, gave me a look that I did not know what to make out of, and said “Good for you.” In my head, I was like What the eff was that?

Read more

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Two Salesladies

Posted on April 9, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Humor |

Coming from a meeting in Ortigas, I dropped by SM Megamall to buy a laptop bag. It was around 10:30 am and there were not so many people at Cyberzone. I entered a store and I was the only customer at the time. I was sharing the room with one saleslady who was busy at the counter.

After finally choosing the bag I wanted to purchase, I approached the saleslady and gave her the item. And then something weird happened. She looked at me from head to toe and then stared for a few seconds. It wasn’t condescending. The stare screamed of frustration, of remorse. I was wearing black denim pants, a T-shirt covered with a black coat and leather pants. She wasn’t saying anything so I broke the silence, “Miss, kunin ko na ‘to.”

She took the item and began preparing the paper bag. Then she spoke.

Saleslady: Sir, ilang taon na po kayo?
Yoshke: 24. Malapit nang mag-25.
Saleslady: Ano pong trabaho n’yo, sir?
Yoshke: Sa Marketing ako. Bakit?
Saleslady: Wala lang, sir. Alam n’yo sir, magka-edad lang tayo. Gusto ko rin po mag-marketing dati. Nung high-school ako, gusto ko yung ganyan. Marketing, advertising. Ganun.
Yoshke: San ka nag-college?
Saleslady: Naku, wag nyo na alamin, sir. Hindi rin naman ako nakatapos. Pero matalino daw ako, sir. Nasa top ako ng high school.
Yoshke: O, ano nangyari?

She paused. I swear there were some tears building up in her eyes.

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Laughter on the Menu

Posted on March 24, 2011 by Yoshke in Humor, Travel |

One of the best parts of traveling is being able to try many cuisines. You walk into a restaurant, pick a table, sit, and ask for the menu. The menu will give you what that restaurant has to offer. But if you have crazy attention to details, sometimes you’ll find unexpected laughter somewhere in that list of gastronomic delights. Here are some examples:

Will you ever eat a cruel potato? Well, if you’re brave enough to face one of these insensitive potatoes, you better drive to the Mountain Province and find a restaurant that serves chicken with…

Harsh brown. I'm scared. :S

If you want more foodie adventures, down south there’s a resort offering scrambled eggs with tomato and

Unless it's a union of the hottest waiters in the land, thanks but no thanks.

But if you want the ultimate mind-blowing menu, try these dishes being served in one restaurant in Beijing. My bosses took these pictures and up to now, they still haven’t figured out what these mean. The problems aren’t the dishes, it’s what they are called.

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Test Mistakes, Angry Birds and the Promil Kids

Posted on January 19, 2011 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

It’s 2011! A lot of things have changed. But I know of one thing that has not changed a bit — the annoyingly cute antics of my niece and nephew. My nephew is now 7 years old and my niece 4. I was fortunate to have spent the better half of my holidays with them.

The Good Cola

My niece Natalya came home with her test results. She’s currently the second top student despite being the youngest in class. My brother, her dad, was disappointed to see that she made a mistake in one of her exams. What bothered him most was that the item to which she gave the wrong answer was quite easy. The direction asked them to encircle food items that were good for them.

Natalya encircled the bottle of cola. Her father confronted her.

Brother: Bakit mo binilugan yung coke?!
Niece: Eh hindi naman bad saken yung coke di ba?
Brother: Bad nga! Bad yun! It’s not good for you.
Niece: EH BAD PALA EH! BAKIT MO PINAPAINOM SAKEN?!??!!

Startled, my brother answered, “Pag madami, bad!”

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How the 13th Zodiac Sign Rattled the World

Posted on January 15, 2011 by Yoshke in Friends, Humor, Public Affairs, Science, Web |

Yesterday morning, I logged in to my Facebook account only to find almost everyone in panic. Apparently, their zodiac signs have changed and they refuse their new sign. What’s worse, there’s a 13th sign — Ophiuchus, the serpent-bearer, the culprit, the cause of the global disorder. Haha.

image courtesy of astrology.com

Here are some zodiac-related status messages that I gathered yesterday (including mine):

Winston: hindi ko alam pano mabuhay bilang Cancer.

Andre: MY LIFE IS A LIE! MY LIFE IS A LIE! MY LIFE IS A LIE!

Yoshke: Kebs na ako sa bagong zodiac. Basta ako, PISCES ako. Malansa ako eh.

Yoshke: Dear Zenaida Seva, I dare you! Say “Ophiuchus” 5 times non-stop.

Dohna: So I’m a Gemini now. I guess that explains the bipolar tendencies. Zenaida Seva may Ophiuchus na. Award.

Gail: Ophiu-something ka rin, Yoshke? pakshet ako naging Virgo. Soooooooooo nooooooooootttttt bagay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jerwin: I hate it. I’m no longer LEO? Ayaw ko ng Cancer! Argh. Damn Earth Rotation changes!

Leo: if we are to include the 13th Zodiac into the equation, i’m now officially Leo…

Jayvee: i’m not sexy anymore. =(

So what really happened?

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About Yoshke

On May 31, 1985, tragedy struck when 41 tornadoes hit Canada and the US, leaving 76 people dead. At the same time, a doomed couple in the Philippines were having the best orgasms of their lives. Nine months (280 days) later, a healthy baby boy was brought into this world by normal delivery. That was exactly a week before Microsoft had its initial public offering.

Today, Yoshke Dimen resides independently in Mandaluyong City. He got a degree in Film from a university in Diliman but is now pursuing a career in Social Media.

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