Humor

The Promil Kid Got Company!

Posted on August 25, 2009 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

Almost three years ago, just when I thought I could not handle another mischievous kid in the family, God gave us another walking mayhem. Not many of you are aware that I also have a niece. And she’s just as endearing (the kind that you wanna strangle) as my nephew.

My niece is now three years old. She’s called Natalya. My nephew’s name is Yoshke. I gave him that name. He’s now five. For the sake of this blog entry and to avoid confusion, let’s call my nephew Yoshke “Nephew,” and my niece, “Niece.”

Nephew and Niece are seldom in the same place at the same time. You see, they are not siblings. They are cousins. Nephew is my sister’s son while Niece is my brother’s daughter. But whenever they are together, they make a hilarious duo. Nephew is shy but inquisitive. Niece is a star, hence she has a star complex. She is a queen bee in the making. Maldita. Atribida. Echosera.

What happens when they are together?

TWO GLASSES

Other than fighting, one of the activities that they love doing together is drawing. My brother-in-law is a painter. Nephew got that gene. (In fact, he was Best in Art in his batch last year.) One time, I joined them in their crayon-happy session and told them to draw whatever entered my head. I asked them to draw a flower; they did. I asked them to draw a house; they did. I asked them to draw a pencil; they did.

And then I asked them to draw a glass and a plate.

Using a pencil, Nephew did it well. He colored the plate blue (like the real plate he actually uses). And then left the glass colorless. It’s transparent, anyway, so I let it go.

Niece, on the other hand, colored her plate pink. I was about to praise how well she drew the glass when she whipped out a black crayon and scribbled all over it until the glass was almost completely covered.

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?! WHAT’S THAT?” I asked.

“Black gulaman,” was her answer.

TWO MANGOES

The same thing happened when Me-Ann, their tutor, asked them to draw a ripe mango.

Nephew colored it green. “It’s not ripe yet,” he argued. “It will turn yellow later.”

Niece colored hers black. Before their tutor could even ask, she declared, “It’s already rotten.”

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The Giraffe in the Ref and the Completely Puzzled Life

Posted on August 14, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor, Mysteries, Whatnots |

image courtesy of warkitty.com

One December evening in Paranaque, Andre, Dane and I were killing time by solving puzzles that I compiled in my head since I was a little boy. You see, I love solving puzzles and challenging my friends to put their problem-solving skills to a test. It was one of those nights. We spent hours solving the detective stories I throw at them. Mind you, they were very difficult puzzles.

Just before daybreak, Dane said:

Dane: I am used to simple puzzles like the giraffe-elephant-fridge puzzle.
Yoshke: What’s that puzzle?
Andre: OMG! You don’t know that?
Yoshke: No. Everyone else does?
Andre: Yep. So give it a try.
Dane: Alright, Yoshke, in three steps, how do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Yoshke: Hmmm.

Hmmmmm…

I spend twenty minutes trying to figure it out. When I blurted, “Don’t tell me it’s ‘Open the ref, put the giraffe, and then close it.’”

They laughed their asses off.

Hey, I was expecting a serious puzzle and this silly puzzle just caught me off-guard!

Andre: How about this: In four steps, how do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Yoshke: (confident) (1) Open the door. (2) Move the giraffe aside. (3) Put the elephant inside. (4) Close the door.

Andre and Dane: WRONG!
Yoshke: Seriously? What’s the right answer?
Andre and Dane: (1) Open the door. (2) Take out the giraffe. (3) Put the elephant inside. (4) Close the door.

Yoshke: But I wanted to just move the giraffe aside!
Andre: Well you can’t! You have to remove the giraffe!
Yoshke: WHY?!!?
Dane: Because it won’t fit!

With that, I snapped!

Yoshke: HOW DARE YOU DICTATE HOW BIG MY REFRIGERATOR IS!!! I MANAGED TO PUT THE DARN GIRAFFE INTO IT; OF COURSE IT CAN ACCOMMODATE AN ELEPHANT!

Alright, so I took that puzzle too seriously. Wahaha.

We all love puzzles. Some people can endure trying to solve one puzzle game and not give up even if they end up hating themselves and hitting someone else for failing to solve it.

Whether it’s just a short detective quiz that a friend has shared or a simple anagram or even a mere puzzling question, we always try to solve them and share them with others. Today, most people are going crazy over sodoku, a puzzle originated in Japan and took the world by storm.

image courtesy of sentimentalrefugee.com

Why do most people love puzzles? Maybe it’s because it is human nature to always ask why or how. Maybe it’s because we love the feeling of being up for the challenge. Maybe it’s the sense of pride and accomplishment when we are able to solve one. Maybe it’s because puzzles divert our attention and escape the real world.

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The Promil Kid Goes to Church

Posted on July 28, 2009 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

It’s been really, really difficult to feature my nephew here lately. I seldom see him since I visit Batangas once every three weeks. But finally, I have collected enough anecdotes under one theme. All it took was a little trip to Antipolo!

BLOOD OF CHRIST

When I visit Batangas, one of the tasks that I need to do is to accompany my nephew to church. At first, I was hesitant to do this because I’m agnostic and I don’t believe in religion. However, since no one actually knows about this side of mine, I don’t really have a choice.

His dad is not Catholic so he won’t take him. Other members of the family attend the 6am mass, too early and too cold for a toddler. So the burden is passed on to me every time and I pretend I enjoy the priest’s homily and endure the physical workout that is kneeling and standing every now and then..

It’s interesting to go to church with an inquisitive kid. For one, I am always careful not to mention my beliefs (or the lack thereof). His mother wants him to be raised a faithful Catholic, hence the Catholic school and his obsession to Sto. Nino.

One Sunday morning at the local church:

Nephew: Are priests drunkards?
Yoshke: Well, it’s wine. It’s healthy.
Nephew: I’m not allowed to drink wine.
Yoshke: That’s because you are a kid.
Nephew: When I grow up, I too will drink wine in front of many people.
Yoshke: No, it’s not like that. Weren’t you listening to the priest? The wine symbolizes the blood of Christ.
Nephew: The wine is the blood of Jesus’?

He looked at the statue hanging at the end of the church. It’s an image of Jesus Christ, nailed on the cross, soaked in blood. He stared at it for what was like 10 seconds and turned to me.

Nephew: Why would they want to drink that?

He began scratching his head. And I answered, “I have no idea.”

THE OLD MAN ON TV!

Last Sunday, my family and I went to the Our Lady of Peace and Good Voyage in Antipolo City, Rizal. The entire time I was with my nephew. My sister and the rest of the family went inside the church and insisted that my nephew be left with me since the place was already crowded and other devotees chose to stay outside anyways. There were TV screens outside the church so the ones outside could see the priest and what was happening inside.

I was shocked when he asked, “Tito, can we switch that to Cartoon Network? The old man is boring.“

JUST CAN’T WAIT

“Tito, is it over yet? Let’s go to Enchanted Kingdom now!”

It had only been 10 minutes but my nephew was already itching to go to Enchanted Kingdom in Laguna, which was next in our itinerary.

Yoshke: Well, we need to finish the mass before we could go.
Nephew: How long is this going to take?
Yoshke: Like usual. Less than an hour.
Nephew: (sad face) Why do we have to go through this?
Yoshke: We just need to.
Nephew: Why?
Yoshke: Because you won’t be allowed to enter Enchanted Kingdom without listening to the priest telling you that you have sinned.
Nephew: Why?
Yoshke: Because!
Nephew: Why?!?! (just about to throw tantrums)
Yoshke: You see that lady <points to a figure of Mama Mary in front of the church>. Well, that’s Our Lady of Enchanted Kingdom! If you don’t stay here longer, she’ll know. You won’t like that.

He behaved like an angel.

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Andre and the Passersby

Posted on July 4, 2009 by Yoshke in Celebrities, Conversations, Humor |

SM Megamall

Andre, Shy Guy and I were walking around looking for a place to have dinner at when we passed by Petit Monde. The store’s facade is covered with huge posters of Carmen Soo.

Yoshke: Nagagandahan ba kayo kay Carmen Soo?
Shy Guy: Oo. OK lang. Bakit, ikaw?
Yoshke: Oo naman. Ikaw, Andre?
Andre: Oo namaaan. Iba kasi eh. Simpleng ganda lang. Parang… parang… parang ako.

Hala. Maganda daw sya!

Trinoma

Days after the Carmen Soo incident, Andre and I found ourselves in Trinoma. I forgot why we were there (but I swear it wasn’t bird-watching). Anyway, this time, we passed by Bench where a poster showcasing the buffed physique and nakaka-ihing sex appeal ni Gerald Anderson in a sleeveless shirt, his hands under his head, his armpits exposed.

Andre: (squeezing may left shoulder) Gaaaaaah. Eeeeeeh.
Yoshke: O ano na naman?
Andre: Ang sarap naman ng kili-kili ni Gerald… Parang gusto ko dun tumira…

Go lang! Tumira ka sa kili-kili ni Gerald Anderson! Hindi kita pipigilan!

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Protected: Top 8 Ways to Come Out to Your Parents

Posted on April 3, 2009 by Yoshke in Gay, How To, Humor, Lists |

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Dirty Fruits and Veggies

Posted on March 30, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Humor |

In the movie and TV industry, it is common for people to use metaphors when talking about things that we should not talk about (or at least, that’s what MTRCB says). So to avoid vulgarities, people use vegetables to refer to body parts that must not be named. Talong for male genitalia. Pechay for female.

I know one director whose 6-years-old daughter had been so immersed to the culture of movie production that the kid would often hear the word “pechay” when the adults were talking about the vagina.

One day, straight from school, the daughter exclaimed, “Ma, yung pechay pala ay gulay din?!?“

Sabi tuloy ng friend ko, “Shet, nung pinagkulay kaya sila ng teacher nila ng pechay, malamang pink yung kinulay nun! Or black!” Wahaha.

…

Walking from Robinson Forum’s lane of food stalls, my officemates Maik, Aiza, and I compared what we would be having for lunch. Maik got his lunch from Mang Porky’s. I got mine from Choice Burgers.

Yoshke: Oh, when did they start adding bananas to their meals?
Maik: Recently. Perhaps they noticed that Choice Burgers were doing really good so they just had to imitate.
Yoshke: Yeah. Maybe.
Maik: But I think the bananas they have are longer.
Yoshke: Oh? Let’s check.

I whipped out my banana while Maik took his out. I held my banana up in the air and Maik placed his beside mine. Aiza butted in.

Aiza: Grabe! Dito pa talaga kayo nagpahabaan ng saging nyo!

Sorry lang. Ilegal na ba magsukatan ng saging ngayon?!

(Pahabol, mine was longer. )

…

A conversation over lunch. Esan was eyeing Kat’s banana. Kat was a little reluctant to give it to Esan.

Esan: Anong saging yan?
Mads: Lacatan. Lacatan yan, di ba?
Yoshke: Yep. Lacatan yan.
Esan:Mas gusto ko yung isang klase.
Mads: Baka latundan?
Esan: Ano yung latundan?
Yoshke: Ang alam ko yung mas maputi yung laman tapos mas maliit.
Esan: Ah yun nga yung gusto ko!
Yoshke: Yung gusto ko ay senorita.
Mads: Anliit naman!
Esan: Pero pinakamasarap yung saba!
Mads: (weirded out) Hala, saba. Yung panluto? Yung nilalaga?
Esan: Oo. Masarap yun. Kahit hindi niluto, masarap yun.
Yoshke: Masarap naman talaga ang saba. Masakit lang.

WTF?!

…

Three years ago, when Andre and I were still housemates in Teachers’ Village.

Yoshke: Di ba, you’ve been colonized na? How do you handle it? Doesn’t it hurt?
Andre: It hurts, alright. Especially at first. But one should get used to it.
Yoshke: So how does one get used to something like that?
Andre: Well, that’s what the veggies in the refrigerator are for.

He even mentioned the levels of difficulty — saging >> talong >> pipino >> upo.

Upo?!?!?! Wahahahaha.

(Andre was kidding, by the way.)
*images courtesy of quickblogcast.com, heavypetal.ca

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We Grew Over It, Didn’t We?

Posted on March 25, 2009 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

When I was young, my mum and my sister fed me ideas that I ingested and digested until I realized I had been Punk’d.

Wag ka lulunok ng buto ng santol, tutubo yan sa loob ng katawan mo.

I understand the intention. But hey, I actually bought that. I even went telling my classmates about it and discouraged them from taking in seeds of santol or any other fruit. And so eating watermelon suddenly became a painstaking activity. And dirty, too.

Imagine how horrified we felt knowing we had eaten a lot of guava fruits before. At tangena lang. Subukan mong wag kainin ang buto nun.

I believed it until the tiny little organ in my head called brain acquired information that it was impossible for a plant to actually grow inside the human body. But hey, I was just a boy.

I know I’m not alone. For sure, your parents have told you a lot of scary, traumatizing things that turned out to be untrue and utterly stupid.

Matulog ka sa hapon kundi hindi ka tatangkad.
Pag nabungi ka, kelangan mong ibaon sa lupa yung ngipin. O di kaya, itapon mo sa bubong. Para tubuan ka ulit ng isa pang ngipin.
Wag ka matutulog ng basa ang buhok, mababaliw ka. Or mabubulag ka. (Depende sa nanay mo.)
Wag ka kakain ng itlog bago mag-exam kundi zero ang score mo.
Wag ka maglalaro pag Mahal na Araw kasi patay ang Dyos. Pag nagkasugat ka, hindi gagaling yan. May lalabas na pari at kanin sa sugat mo.
Wag mo ituturo ang rainbow, mapuputol ang daliri mo.
Wag ka magpapahakbang sa ibang tao, hindi ka na tatangkad. Pag nahakbangan ka na, kailangan balikan ka nya.
Wag ka magsisinungaling, hahaba ilong mo. (Thanks Pinnochio for the inspiration.)
Wag ka magta-tanga-tangahan. Pag nahipan ka ng masamang hangin, magiging permanente yan.
Wag ka magne-nailcutter pag gabi kasi parang sinusumpa mo yung magulang mo. (Huh?)
Wag ka magne-nailcutter pag Biyernes, may mamamatay.

Kumusta naman! Andami ko nang napatay! Baka ako pa yung dahilan nung 9/11! Nag-nailcutter kasi ako the night before! Haha.

ANLABO! Pero aminin nyo, one time in your life, you actually believed at least one of these.

Last week, I just told my nephew that if he kept on having fried chicken every meal, he’d turn into a big chicken.

Pasa-pasa lang yan. Pagkakataon ko na gumanti. Mwahaha.
*image courtesy of bbc.co.uk

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Protected: Faux Arrogance

Posted on March 17, 2009 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor, Rants, TV |

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Top 10 Ways to Break Up

Posted on March 10, 2009 by Yoshke in How To, Humor, Lists, Love |

Note: I originally wrote this for crunkish.com, a superduper fun website that features top 10 whatever things. If you wanna check it out, knock yourself out.

People make mistakes. It’s part of human nature. Sometimes, we purchase something and realize that it is useless. We say words we never expected to come out of our mouths. We do things that we will eventually regret in the future. When it comes to choosing our partners, we make lots of mistakes, too.

Falling in love is one of the best things in life. It gives us a shot at happiness. It gives us a chance to grow. It gives us the feeling that we are not alone and that (illusion that) we will never be. It gives us the assurance that we are needed and loved. It gives value to our existence.

We know, of course, that not all good things last forever. Most of the time, it’s very difficult to admit that we chose the wrong person for us and that the relationship is going nowhere. Parting ways with someone you have been in love with or you thought you were so in love with can be much harder than starting a relationship.

Certain circumstances, however, leave us with no choice. Sometimes, we find ourselves being with the wrong person. Sometimes, we wake up only to realize that everything was a mistake. If this is the case, then you really have to cut your ties. Here are some ways of saying goodbye to the one you thought you could spend the rest of your life with. (Warning: Items 10-9 must not be taken seriously. Lol. Just trying to prove a point.)

10. “Every man changes. I’m a man.”

One study reveals that most men are afraid to break it off with their partners. Thus, since they can’t say it directly, they destroy the good and lovable image they made to turn their partners off. If you are one of these men, you may want to change voluntarily to drive your love away. Stop saying words that take her breath away. Stop showering. Stop making love with her. Stop being the man she loved, loves and would continue to love.

It doesn’t mean you have to turn bad. Well, basically, you really have to be bad but only for a time. Once the relationship is over, compose yourself again and find another woman. Yes, it’s not fair but is there anything fair in this world? That’s life. She has to live with it.

**9. “If you can’t beat me at World of Warcraft, we can’t be together anymore.”**

If you’re the playful and cunning type, then make her agree to a dare and have your relationship as a bet. That sounds silly but hey, you’re desperate. You really have to get rid of him/her or you’d rather play online games all your life. Any game will do. Whether it’s basketball or hangman, make sure it is something that you’re really good at. After you win, say this: “You know I love you babe, but rules are rules.”

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Posted!

Posted on February 27, 2009 by Yoshke in Humor, Whatnots |

I’m sharing an apartment with two college friends: Glenn — straight, artistic, weird man; and Frances — asexual, artistic, weird woman. Living with them is like living with, well, weird people. But I loove ‘em both. Hehe. I love ‘em both coz I seldom see them. Wahaha. Kidding.

And since we don’t regularly see one another, what have become our major means of communication are the ever-reliable post-it notes.

A couple o’ weeks ago. On the kitchen corkboard.

And because my room’s doorknob was jammed. The other night. On the door.

Wehehehehe.

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About Yoshke

On May 31, 1985, tragedy struck when 41 tornadoes hit Canada and the US, leaving 76 people dead. At the same time, a doomed couple in the Philippines were having the best orgasms of their lives. Nine months (280 days) later, a healthy baby boy was brought into this world by normal delivery. That was exactly a week before Microsoft had its initial public offering.

Today, Yoshke Dimen resides independently in Mandaluyong City. He got a degree in Film from a university in Diliman but is now pursuing a career in Social Media.

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