A Break-up Letter


I never expected I'd be writing you this letter. We've had six years of wonderful memories but I'm afraid it had come to the Read more

Welcome to the New Yoshke.com


New look. New attitude. New experiences. Honestly, I had been neglecting this blog the past few weeks because of my awfully hectic schedule. Work had Read more

Sometimes We Burn to Live


Whenever I meet people for the first time, it always happens. When they start their sentence with "I hope you don't mind me asking but," Read more

Judging By the Cover


Our office is just a stone's throw from where I live. In fact, all I have to do is cross EDSA and voila, hello Read more

Fireworks, Hormones, and this Blog Post


You remember last week when I told you I found it difficult to blog since I met you? Since we became a couple officially, Read more

Do They Read Blogs in Heaven?


Whenever I say that the earliest memory I have is the accident wherein I had my left arm somewhat toasted, I lie. My earliest Read more

Unusual Breakfast


Here we are again. In the usual corner. Usual table. Usual diner. Usual time. And most probably, usual meal. I'm getting tired of this Read more

Top 10 National Stereotypes


Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by Read more

EDSA


It could have been a horrible Saturday. I was in the passenger seat. It was a bit raining. Normally, EDSA gets on my nerves. That's why Read more

Why Nursery Rhymes Are So Violent


A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly Read more

Top 10 Worst Things to Say During Sex


Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two Read more

The Promil Kid Drops the Bomb


Of all the living things created by God, I love my nephew the most. I call him the Promil Kid. He’s the cutest thing. Read more

Humor

Office Distractions

Posted on by Yoshke in Career, Conversations, Friends, Humor, Love |

ACCUSING DISTRACTION

Tuesday morning. Esan, a brand new co-worker, excitedly told me about someone she used to work with.

Esan: Yoshke! I’d introduce someone to you! You’ll like him. He’s hot  and a real gentleman! His name is ^&%##.
Yoshke: Esan, I’m already seeing someone. I’m a one-man man. I’m one loyal, trustworthy guy.
Esan: Wushooo…
Yoshke: Ano namang tingin mo saken? MALANDI?
Everyone in the office, who, apparently, was listening: OO!

Hala. Sabay-sabay pa.

Singit pa nung isa, “At feeling mo HINDE?” Haha.

Henaku. Hindi naman talaga…

REPEATING DISTRACTION

One boring afternoon at the office.

Yoshke: If I tell you that I can sketch and paint, will you believe me?
Emcy: Yeah.
Yoshke: Eeeeeh. You shouldn’t have said “yes.” I wanted you to say “no.” Then I’d tell you “Yes, I can!”
Emcy: Hahaha.
Yoshke: Hmmm. I hate you! It didn’t go the way I wanted it to. So we’re gonna do it again!
Emcy: Haha. Okay.
Yoshke: Emcy, If I tell you that I can sketch and paint, will you believe me?
Emcy: No.
Yoshke: Yes, I can!

Parang tanga lang kami.

CONFUSING DISTRACTION

Yoshke: Emcy, pabili naman ako ng cupped noodles (or cup noodles?). Nissin ha, Nissin. Seafood flavor. Nissin ha! NISSIN!
Emcy: Ah sige, anong noodles? Lucky Me Supreme?

Anong mahirap intindihin sa sinabi ko. Sabihin nyo saken. Anooo?!?!?!

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Another Weekend With Andre

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

FRIDAY NIGHT (February 6)

Sa MRT Ayala Station. While waiting for TP Winwin who was at a reloading station, we couldn’t decide where to go and what to do…

Yoshke: O ano nang kyeme natin?
Andre: Depende nga sayo kung kekyeme tayo. Eh di ba nga may kyeme kang hinihintay?
Yoshke: OK lang naman sa akin kahit ano.
Andre: So kekyeme nga tayo? Kasi kung hindi tayo kekyeme, uuwi na ko. Dito lang naman sakayan ko.
Yoshke: Gusto mo bang kumyeme?
Andre: Gusto kong kumyeme kasi ayoko pang umuwi. Eh ikaw nga? Anong kyeme mo?
Yoshke: May kyeme lang ako. Kung kekyeme tayo, san tayo kekyeme? Eh yun lang naman ang kyeme ko.
Andre: Sa Sidebar nga tayo kekyeme.
Yoshke: Sige, kyeme na tayo.

Akalain mong nagkaintindihan kami nun!

SATURDAY MORNING (January 31)

Andre went up to my room. He just woke up. I’d been listening to Kelly Clarkson for almost an hour already when he came in.

Andre: I gargled with Astring-O-Sol. I poured the liquid to the cap up to the brim and gargled.
Yoshke: Full cap? Up to the brim? It’s Astring-O-Sol CONCENTRATED! You’re supposed to mix it with water!
Andre: I know. I found out the moment I put it in my mouth. I can’t feel my mouth right now.
Yoshke: Wahaha. Next time, sabi nga ni Dyan Castillejo sa NIDO commercial, it pays to check the label!
Andre: I DID check the label! Eh malay ko bang seryoso pala sya.

Hala. So may labels na nagjo-joke lang?

SATURDAY NIGHT (January 31)

My housemate Glenn emerged from his room about to go out. Andre and I were at the living area.

Yoshke: Glenn, you having dinner?
Glenn: Yes.
Yoshke: I’m going with you. I wanna have dinner now.
Andre: Look at you, you’re so selfish. I thought we’re friends! You didn’t even consider me. I’m hungry, too, you know.
Yoshke: I did consider you.
Andre: You said “I’m going with you.”
Yoshke: Well, yeah… but I meant the two of us.
Andre: How? You said “I’m going with you…” I, I… Singular pronoun!
Yoshke: I meant the two of us coz… *isip ng palusot* Coz… Coz… Coz you’re already a part of me.

WTF! Wahaha.

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The Promil Kid Goes to School

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Family, Health, Humor |

I’ve been sick since Monday. Tonsilitis again. Last year, I had this seven (or eight?) times. Gaaaah. Told ya, the relationship between infections and my tonsils is almost romantic. They love each other sooo much, they might elope in the near future. But if there’s any consolation, I’m losing weight FAST! Yay for that.

Anyway… Guess who’s back!!!

BECAUSE TEPID RAIN ISN’T FROM HEAVEN

One night, I was in the middle of a barren land. A few months before, it was a cane field. Then my childhood started playing in my head again. This was where my brother and I ran kites. This was where my friends and I played softball. This was where I used to kick my football around on. But this time was different. It was a cold evening. And it was raining. And I was happy. I haven’t walked in the rain in a long, long time.

Something was wrong, though. The water was warm.

And I woke up. It was a dream. I opened my eyes. And there was my nephew. Standing on the bed. Peeing. Sleep-peeing. On me.

Cue: Abba, “…I’ll cross the stream. I have a dream….”

BECAUSE GLOATING IS FUN

If there’s one thing that my nephew didn’t get from me, that’s shame. I have always had a strong sense of shame since I was a baby. (Yeah, I never made dede in public. Haha. Weh?)

My nephew, on the other hand, does what he wants when he wants it. Like dozing off. NEVER have I ever slept at the workplace or at school. But my nephew, gaah, his classroom is his bedroom. He finds it comfy. And no matter how hard his Teacher Janna tries, he always uses Science class hour for his nap time.

So when his first Periodic Exam came last August (?), I was a little scared for him. When we passed the gates of his school, he was greeted by many of his classmates’ parents with disheartening remarks. One of them even asked my nephew sarcastically, “Oh, how are you gonna pass this test when you always sleep your way through the classes?”

I couldn’t reply. Wait there, you old hag; I’ll come up with a sinister, condescending comment, I thought. But I couldn’t. No condescending comment was thrown. I was not sure how he was gonna make through this exam, either.

When the exam was over, I asked my nephew how it was. He shrugged, “It’s okay.”

The next day, I was waiting for my nephew’s class to finish. Apparently, the papers had been checked and the results were out.

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Weekend With Andre

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Fashion, Friends, Humor |

Status: SICK! TONSILITIS! My first this year.
Music: Mad – Ne-Yo | Poker Face – Lady GaGa

Last year, my friend Andre introduced Diego to me. And right then, I fell in love. Diego was just soooo nice and cool and fashionable and affordable. Oh, sorry, I’m talking about the store. DIEGO Store.

Their items, especially their pullovers and shirts were so cute. The best thing about it is that since it’s not that popular yet, you don’t have to worry about being in the same place with someone wearing the same shirt. Exactly the reason I stay away from popular lines like Penshoppe, Bench, Folded and Hung. I don’t usually care about fashion, but it happened to me once. I was wearing Bench and I ran into a guy who was in the same shirt. Gaaaah, mortifying.

Last Friday (8pm), Andre and I dropped by the Mall of Asia to grab a gift. And we came across a new shop — FOX. And whoooah, I looove the store. It excites me in ways that only sex does. It’s an Israel-based fashion chain. They have really, really pretty items there, and they are not costly!

My conscience tells me I must come back. Yeah, coz my conscience is gay like that.

Saturday, 1am.

After the party. Somewhere around BF Homes in Paranaque.

Andre: You wanna kill time at Starbucks?
Yoshke: Eeeh. I don’t wanna spend anymore. I have a couple of gift certificates from my boss but I left them at home.
Andre: Oh, you don’t need gift certificates. You just need me.

Huwaaaw. That’s me being a friend with benefits. LOL.

Saturday, 6pm

While on the train to my apartment. Andre spotted a cute CILF (Commuter I’d Like to Fu… er… poke. yeah, Commuter I’d Like to Poke). Make that CILP.

Andre: Confirmed. That guy is gay.
Yoshke: How’d you know?
Andre: He’s wearing Folded & Hung.

Wahahahaha. WTF.

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Similes and Metaphors

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

HEADACHE

On the way to my boss’s house for a little booze session last Friday night, I couldn’t help bitching about my terrible headache. I was sitting in the backseat with Mads.

Yoshke: Gaaaahd, my head aches like hell.
Mads: Why?
Yoshke: I dunno. But the street lights hurt my eyes, too. Everything’s too bright. And it sends my brain to pain-land.
Mads: So it really aches? How painful is it?
Yoshke: Very. Very painful…. Like the first time.

Like whaaaat?!?! WTF. Wahaha. Steve, who was driving, and Kat, in the passenger seat, let out a little WTF-giggle. Wahaha. I didn’t know why I said that. Like the first time. What was I thinking?!?

(And just a clarification, I know you’re thinking that, well, it’s not that. Wahaha. Aright, too much info.)

RUSSIA

My housemates and I have been noticing how everyone we know seems to be gaining weight. So much weight. Ourselves, included.

Yoshke: Gaaah. I just can’t believe it. When I shopped for pants last year, I was always safe picking size 27 or 28.  Now, I’m 32. And it’s only been a bit more than a year.
Dane: Haaay, me, too. I remember one of my Korean friends. He called one of my skinny batchmates “fat.” And she WAS thin. At that moment, I thought “God, if she’s fat; what does that make me?”
Yoshke: OMG. Have you seen ^&%^%.
Frances: Yeah, yeah, he’s sooo big.
Yoshke: True! When I saw him the other night, I could’ve yelled at him, “OMG! Look at you! You’re bigger than Russia!”

Hey, don’t judge me. At least, it wasn’t the Soviet Union.

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The People Around Us

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor, University |

SIR HUBERT

On the way to the Subterranean River Park, we were being briefed by our Tour Guide. He was telling us many interesting things about Palawan. One of us, itago na lang natin sa pangalang Sir Hubert, asked, “San magandang mamalengke dito sa Puerto Princesa?

At sumagot si Tour Guide, “Sa palengke po.”

Tama nga naman.

KAT

One of my officemates was raving about the places they visited on the third day. Itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang Ma. Katrina Larida. “Grabe, ang ganda talaga sa Crocodile Farm! Andami-daming crocodiles!

Ay friend, sana naman madaming crocodiles dun bilang crocodile farm sya.

REEN

Yoshke: Reen! Help! Gaaaah! I think I’m falling in love with an animé character!
Reen: Gagu! You’re asking the wrong person. I’m married to one!

REEN’S 2ND YEAR P.E. TEACHER

2nd year PE teacher: “Would you please pick up the pieces of DIRT!”
Reen: Ah eh ma’am medyo mahirap isa-isahin ang alikabok.

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Top 10 Ways to Ask for a Raise or Promotion

Posted on by Yoshke in Career, Humor, Lists |

As one RD quote goes, “the moment you settle for less than you deserve, you’ll get even less than you settle for.” It maybe very painful to hear but this is true.

Salary is the primary reason we work our butts off all day. But not all jobs pay well. And even if our present employer gives us what the law requires and the conventions suggest, we still find ourselves struggling to make do with what we receive. If you feel that you have proven yourself as an efficient, competent and productive employee over time but you still find yourself awfully broke when the month ends, maybe it’s time to ask for a raise or a promotion or both. Here are the top ten creative ways to do that.

10. Second the motion. All the time.

Although having your own stand on the company’s many issues will show your character and wit, being the “second voice” has its own perks, too. Let your boss know that you are on his side all the time by acting like an echo.

Starting today, practise saying “I agree completely” or “I agree absolutely.” You can change the last word with another positive adverb as long as the first two words are “I agree.” Call it blind loyalty but you need a raise. The last thing you want is to play on a different team against your boss.

What is more effective? Eavesdrop on his conversations and then feed him back the ideas you heard as if they were yours. He would think you are of the same wavelength and that you know him too well you could even read his mind.

9. Park your car beside his.

You may think that this is ridiculous but parking your car beside your boss’s has a lot of advantages. Stationing yourself before and after office hours in the parking lot can help you ask for a raise. You may not realise it but if you’re the first and last person he sees every single day, you will seep into his subconscious. The next time he wants to promote someone, at least you have parked your memory somewhere in his mind.

8. Pull off an 007.

Yes, Bond, James Bond. Spywork is not really new to many workplaces. The truth is, some of your co-workers may be spying on you, trying to copy your work and make it look like their own. You can do the same but in this case, we’ll play evil.

Don’t spy for yourself. Rather, spy for your boss. Report everything that is going on in the department. The next time you hear your officemate say nasty things about your boss, prepare a tape recorder and let your boss hear it. It’s not like you’re being an office snitch. You just want to be honest and fair to the person you work for. You’ll get extra points for doing what is expected of you. Who knows? A raise, if not a promotion, might follow soon.

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Ruining Relationships. Worldwide.

Posted on by Yoshke in Blurts, Gay, Humor, Lists |

I was just about to post the third part of the Top 25 Local TV Shows I Miss when I noticed a Facebook message from my former boss based in Victoria, Canada. The mail contained a link to one of the lists I produced while working with her — Top 10 Signs that Your Boyfriend is Gay. This post was cross-posted to Crunkish.com, where it received a couple of comments that somewhat challenge my morals. Haha. They go:

Honestly, I just don’t know what to say to them. I feel sorry but I think I have made it clear in that entry’s introduction that these signs are not absolute.

…You have to remember, however, that these signs are a bit stereotypical. These are not absolute. If you see these signs on your boyfriend, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is gay or bisexual. Not seeing these signs doesn’t mean that he is not, either. Again, playing detective is a tricky business….

I’m still trying to come up with a polite, apologetic reply. I think that’s proper.

But there’s another comment that made me LOL.

That made me feel a bit better!

Gaaah. Anyway, before my conscience finally convinces me to believe that I am a bad person, I should go back to writing the rest of the Top 25 Pinoy defunct TV programmes that I miss. Or perhaps I should start announcing Yoshke.com’s BLOGS OF THE YEAR.

image courtesy of bantamapparel.com

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Words of Wisdom from Dohna Sarmiento

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

Trinoma, Quezon City. September 2008.

I don’t eat beef.

Don’t ask why not. I don’t know either. I just don’t.

But of course, I know how it tastes like. Last month, I was at FoodEx Trinoma to taste beef for the first time. (It was the first of the three times I ate beef in my life.) Mimay, JT and Dohna were all there to witness the momentous event. Mimay had it recorded. Video uploaded to Facebook.

I ordered T-Bone steak. They were all crying “Oh my God” repeatedly in anticipation. Because you know, one day, I’ll be so famous and I’ll be a great historical figure and people will go back to that moment as the first time I ate beef. They’ll be erecting a monument in the middle of that mall captioned “This was where The Great Yoshke Dimen had his first beef.” And it will become a popular tourist destination besting New York’s Statue of Liberty, Rio’s Jesus Christ the Redeemer and the then most visited Manila’s Yoshke The Full-of-Himself Tower.

Anyway, just when the first morsel touched the tip of my tongue, Dohna asked me “How was it?”

It took me several seconds before I could finally answer. I had to chew and swallow, you know.

Yummy. A bit gummy,” was my answer. “Not as bad as I expected but not as good as people say it is.”

They were all delighted with my response. It meant “I liked it.” I was just sorta in denial but I liked it.

You see? You liked it, right? Beef is very good,” Dohna said as-a-matter-of-fact-ly. “Beef is our friend.”

If beef is our friend, why do we have to eat it?” I replied.

Well…” Dohna paused and then uttered confidently, “Because sometimes we have to eat our friends! In  order to live.

Wahaha.

Mimay added “And because they eat us, too. Unto unto others, unto unto you!

Ad Congress. Subic Bay. November 2007.

After the Neil Gaiman event, Ayn, Astrid, Dohna and I decided to kill time at the Subic Bay Christmas Carnival. We hadn’t been at a “perya” in a long time. Enchanted Kingdom not counted. When I say “perya,” I mean those horrible yet fun places where you feel like the Ferris Wheel will come crashing down any minute and whenever you brush your hand with the grimy metal railings, you feel like a bottle of Green Cross alcohol won’t be enough and you won’t touch food in the next 72 hours. And whenever you hear a scream, you assume it’s not of excitement but of agony and you picture a little girl free falling from that Ferris Wheel you thought was made of rust. Haha. But peryas are fun. Haha.

After almost an hour of deciding what rides to take, we ended up not taking any. Haha. So we just agreed to wait for Lei and hitch a ride back to Manila — the only ride we were gonna take that day.

We were staying near a puto-bumbong stall — all tired, sleepy and waiting. All quiet. No one was saying anything. Until Dohna broke the silence with a song. Out loud, she started singing “Burn” by Tina Arena.

Do you wanna be a fo…” And then she stopped singing so suddenly. She realised she might have mispronounced something. Might have. Haha.

Ayn, being herself, smirked and asked “What? A FFFoet? Do you wanna be a FFFoet?

Ah sarcasm. Sarcastic bickering. My favourite hobby.

I was gonna say ‘FOREST!’” said Dohna, thinking she could fool us.

I butted in, “Why on earth would you want to be a forest? Why would anyone want to be a forest?!?

We all laughed. Dohna was silent.

Err… Coz they want to… burn? ” was her answer. Clever.

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Break Free from Singularity:
Top 11 Ways to Find Your True Love

Posted on by Yoshke in Humor, Lists, Love |

It’s nice being single. You don’t have to worry about coming home late. You don’t need to remember a lot of important dates. You don’t need to be conscious about how you look. You don’t have someone to share popcorns with when watching a movie. You don’t have someone to tell you that it’s all gonna be okay when you have a problem. You have no one to grow old with. Yes, it’s nice being single. It’s sooo nice that all the miseries in the world are attributed to being alone. It may be nice but remember that you can only take too much niceness.

Sarcasm aside, being single may have its advantages but the truth remains the same: no one wants to be alone. That’s why we all strive to search the world for our one true love. If you’re single and you are miserably tired of it, it’s time to stop pitying yourself and start your worldwide search for the right person for you. The right person has always been out there. It’s just a matter of finding them. Here are 11 of the easiest ways to find your true lurv.

11. “Can I buy you a drink?”

If you are really serious about finding the person of your dreams, go out and look for him or her. One of the easiest ways to find your your Mr. or Ms. Perfect is to hang out in a bar. You will never find your would-be significant other inside your kitchen cupboard. Go out, have fun and meet people. There are many reasons why this is effective. First, this is where guys and girls who love to have fun go and if you’re that type, you just might find someone meant for you here. Second, alcohol gives you enough courage and confidence to introduce yourself. Some of the greatest love stories do not even get a chance to start because they are both afraid to make a move. What a shame.

Why you should do it: Even if you didn’t meet anyone, you still had your booze. Nothing to lose.

10. “Hi. ASL?”

On second thought, you can still look for the person of your dreams without leaving your house. All you need is a good Internet connection. The cyberspace has become an active social world for romance-seekers all over the planet. People who are looking for love sometimes find themselves surfing the net, logging into some networking sites or entering chat rooms, hoping to find the person of their dreams.

Although it is regarded as absurd by most people, we cannot deny the fact that there have been successful love stories that started through the Internet. In cyberspace, you’ll find all sorts of people; it is impossible you cannot find someone who matches your taste. What is harder to accomplish is finding a person that suits you AND who are serious about meeting people in the web.

Yes, the Internet bridges people from all over the world and allows them to find true love in an instant. You have to remember, however, that the cyberspace is not the safest place in the world to meet the person of your dreams. Without proper discretion and carefulness, your dream romance can turn into a nightmare. You have to explore the cyberspace carefully.

Why you should do it: Who cares? Everyone does it anyway.

9. “Peace be with you.”

Religious differences are sometimes blamed for unsuccessful relationships. If you want to be sure that you will be spiritually compatible with the person you want to meet, go to a church or a synagogue or a temple or whatever name your religion gives for your place of worship. It gives you a couple of advantages. First, religious difference would not be an issue. Second, you are sure that the person is spiritually healthy and responsible.

If you feel guilty doing this, don’t be. It is not like you are doing a blasphemous act. You are just practicing your religion. While you are at it, why not do some multi-tasking? You want to find the person of your dreams? Praying might be a big help. Just don’t hike your skirt a little higher.

Why you should do it: Hey, God said, “Be fruitful and multiply.” You’re just being obedient.

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