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A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly digested the story that the rhymes tell. And then he began asking rather uncomfortable questions. One of the first rhymes I taught him was Humpty Dumpty.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses, And all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!

He might have finally understood the rhyme when he gasped and said curiously, “Did he die?”

“Well,” I replied, “he’s an egg. Who cares?”

“I like eggs. Did they cook Humpty Dumpty?”

“Maybe. Who knows?” He looked sorry but we went on singing. And then there was Rock-A-Bye Baby.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

And again, my nephew asked, “Tito, did the baby die?”

“I hope not. But it was just a baby and it fell from a tree. So… Poor baby.”

“Why was the baby on top of the tree?”

“I dunno. Maybe it was a baby koala bear,” I dodged, not realising that a-koala-cub-in-a-cradle was a very stupid thought. But really, my nephew was right, why the hell is the baby on the tree top, anyway?

I went on teaching him more nursery rhymes. Itsy Bitsy Spider. Pop Goes the Weasel. Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater. Old King Cole. Baa Baa Black Sheep.

I’ve always noticed that many of our nursery rhymes are actually very violent. I don’t usually give a damn. But my nephew was smart enough to understand what he was singing and sensitive enough to actually feel for the characters. After almost every rhyme I taught him, he would ask me what happened to the character.

• to Peter’s wife whom he kept inside a pumpkin. (Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater)
• to the itsy-bitsy spider after going up the spout again (Itsy Bitsy Spider)
• to the three blind mice after the farmer’s wife cut off their tails (Three Blind Mice)
• to the four and twenty blackbirds that were baked in a pie (Sing a Song of Sixpence)
• to Jack who fell down and to Jill who tumbled after (Jack and Jill)

I had to remind my nephew that it was bad to make fun of blind people (or blind mice, for that matter) and that pies don’t have dead black birds in them (at least, not usually). And guess what my nephew said after Jack and Jill. “Tito, did they die?”

Thank God he didn’t ask how many people were killed when the London Bridge fell down.

But even before this incident, I’ve always been wondering why these nursery rhymes have a sort of violent theme. Glenn once told me that they reflect history — what was happening at the time of the rhyme’s creation. It was only five minutes ago when I did some research and this is what I have found.

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Status: Harried.
Music: The Game of Love | Santana feat Michelle Branch

Hahaaay. Euro 2008 Final. Germany lost to Spain 0-1.

I feel too harried and melancholic. Germany is really my favourite team. I’m in love with them as a group. And again, they came so close to grabbing that trophy but aaaargh, the Spanish team were just so damn skilled this year. For what it’s worth, they really deserve it. They played better than the Germans this tournament. They were never defeated. They definitely were the best team. (And mind you, all of them are under 30 yo.) Besides, it was just about time that Spain win something. Since I was born, I’d never seen Spain win anything. It’s been 44 years.

Maybe Ken was right. Maybe Germany just had to lose this time so they could have more drive and passion to win World Cup 2010. Maybe that’s it. (Wag nang kumontra. I’m trying to console myself here. Haha)

The truth is, I should be half-celebrating. Spain is my second fave national team after all. My top 2 teams at the final. Heck, my grandma was Spanish. What am I ranting about?

Anyway, I was browsing through BBC’s Euro 2008 photos and this picture just lightened my mood a bit.

I wonder if he got any. Tsk, tsk… Straight people! Haha.

images courtesy of bbc.co.uk and MSN Sport

…

“Ang hirap kasi sa inyong mga Amerikano, ang hilig n’yong makialam. Ang hilig n’yong makisawsaw. Sa Iraq, sa Vietnam, sa Pilipinas…. Eh kung hindi ba naman kayo pumunta dito nung Panahon ng mga Kastila, eh malamang hindi kami nadamay sa World War II.”
— Toni Gonzaga’s character, “You Are the One”

Something I did not expect from a Toni Gonzaga - Sam Milby romantic comedy. Haha. But it was the highlight of the movie for me.

Speaking of Sam Milby, I don’t usually like him. But have you seen his latest Bench Blackout billboards? The hot ones, yes?

Damn you, Sam. Damn you, really. Haha. You almost got me there. Hehe.

…

And oh, by the way, despite being very sick lately, I’m actually in a very festive mood. Germany is through to the semi-finals of Euro 2008 after beating Portugal in the quarterfinal match. Honestly, I had been expecting a Germany-Netherlands showdown in the final until the Dutch were murdered by the Russians yesterday.

Anyway, I really hope the Germans would meet the Spaniards instead of the Italians. After all, Spain is my second favourite national team. (And David Villa, my second fave player. Miroslav Klose, you know you’re my #1 guy.)

Robin, you had better prepare my P1000 because Germany is sooo gonna win this whole Euro thing. I can smell it. Thanks for betting, haha. And Jon, don’t worry, as promised, if my team wins, I’ll treat you and some of our former officemates to a little booze party. Promise.

Oh Lord, I don’t wanna cry again…. Maybe not. Hey, it’s not THE World Cup.

Weise zu gehen Deutschland!!!
image courtesy of istockphoto.com and coleenpbb of pinoyexchange.com
and thanks to babel fish haha

Status: Ill.
Music: Look After You | The Fray

Surprise, surprise. I’m terribly sick again. Guess what? Tonsilitis. Again. My fifth this year. Damn it. But I’m currently at a net station in Trinoma, waiting for the next screening of Get Smart. And I’m watching alone. Sick and alone. Loser. Haha.

Anyway, last week, a friend sent me a hilarious text message that really made me laugh my ass out. It was the hardest I laughed in months, it made my tonsils hurt. The joke was a compilation of lines that Miss Universe contestants enthusiastically and confidently utter when they introduce themselves. Later that night, I saw Kim Chiu use some of them on My Girl. Here they are:

• Gutom ako, gutom kayo, gutom tayong lahat… HUNGARY!
• Malay mo, malay n’ya, malay nating lahat… MALAYSIA!
• Baha doon, baha dito, baha sa buong mundo… BAHAMAS!
• One way, two way, there’s no other way… NORWAY!
• Olah viola kaserola tinola saranggola arinola ni lola… VENEZUELA!
• Hindi sakin, hindi sa’yo, kanino sya? KENYA!
• Boom! Kaboom! Kablam! AFGHANISTAN!

The Kenya and Afghanistan parts really gave me a delightful stomachache. That same night, inspired and challenged by the text message, I tried to come up with similar introductions using other countries. I sent these to a couple of friends. Here are some of them. (Warning: Some of these are based on prejudice.)

• Pak you, pak me, pak everyone… PAKISTAN!
• May sibuyas at bawang. Ano na lang ang kulang? CHILE!
• Not duck, not chicken. Definitely… TURKEY!
• Hindi tuldok, hindi kudlit. Walang iba kundi… KUWAIT!
• Para kay nanay, para kay tatay, para walang away… PARAGUAY!
• Binulgar mo, binulgar nya, magkabulgaran na… BULGARIA!
• Tama man kami o mali, tama pa rin palagi… CZECH REPUBLIC!
• Kami, laging mali… MALI!
• Ana Roces, Romnick Sarmienta, Jeffrey Santos… LAOS!
• Gaano man kalinaw mata mo, hindi mo mahahanap ang bansa ko… TUVALU!
• *ROOOAR!* MADAGASCAR!
• Holdap ‘to! Lahat kayo, hostage ko… SOMALIA!
• Pagkabilang kong tatlo, sasabog na ako… IRAQ!

Yun lang. Come on. Add some more.
image courtesy of cartoonstock.com

Note: This entry was written for Crunkish.com, a site that our team put up. It is still under construction but if you want to take a peek, knock yourself out.

Throughout history, we have witnessed the rise and fall of countless rulers. Many of them did a really admirable job that their names are written in countless history books. Others still linger in our consciousness today not because of their delightful contributions to mankind but their crazy, twisted ways.

“Crazy” is a very vague word. It can refer to someone mentally ill, utterly evil or just plain ridiculous. Whatever your definition of this word is, here are the top ten craziest leaders in world history.

10. KIM JONG IL (North Korea)

For many people, his name suits him well. Kim Jong Il is really as ill as any leader can get. The current ruler of North Korea, he succeeded his father and the founder of North Korea, Kim Il-sung. He did not just replace his father, he proclaimed himself “Eternal President.” He has been consistently criticized by many contemporary leaders and international organizations for his lack of commitment to make the peninsula free of nuclear weapons.

The country also holds large concentration camps where 50,000 people including women and children who are accused of political crimes are being held. Violations of human rights are being reported left and right — murdering babies and enslaving inmates.

While his country is suffering, he enjoys a very luxurious lifestyle. He boasts North Korea’s finest wine cellar, containing 10,000 bottles of expensive wine. He also purchases bottles of Hennessy Cognac worth $700,000 every year. He had also spent more than $20 million on 200 Mercedes Benz S500 sedans added to the country’s pile of 7,000 Mercedes. He is also a huge movie fan with a collection of over 20,000 tapes.

Craziest quote: “National defense is the sacred duty of the young and all other people. “

Craziest moment: He showed off his country’s nuclear power by conducting two rounds of missile tests on July 5, 2006. The tests received immense negative reactions from the international community. But hey, it actually worked for him! Haha. Clever.

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Status: Way better.
Music: Feelin’ So Good | Jennifer Lopez

The past few weeks have been a bitch-ass on me. I struggled with tonsilitis, giving me hellish fever and excruciating time eating. For two weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed. The only time I went out of the house was when I decided to see a doctor. After all, this was my fourth tonsilitis this year and my usual meds didn’t seem to work this time. Ah, damn illness loves me so.

Since our family doctor was somewhere in the South celebrating summer, I chose to visit a hospital. My mum went with me and yes, I let her (because that meant she’d be the one payin’ the bills).

When I approached the front desk, it suddenly dawned on me that it was the hospital my ex-girlfriend works at. I prayed she won’t show up (coz I looked hideous). Thank God she did not. Instead, when I entered the emergency room (which also serves as the hospital’s clinic), I was welcomed by a young doctor — A HOTTT DOCTOR.

Life is pretty fair after all, I thought. Haha.

The nurses did the usual stuff — temperature, blood pressure, etc. And then the hot doctor (probably in his late 30s) started asking questions about my condition. He seemed puzzled that I had been taking the right meds but they weren’t working. And then he asked, “Have you been smoking?”

Thank God my mum was busy texting, she didn’t hear a thing. I asked her if she could just wait for me outside because hey, I’m 22.

After kicking my mum out of the room, I told the doctor that I had been smoking. Like any sane doctor, he asked me to stop. He then asked me to open my mouth coz he needed to take a look at my swollen throat. His brows met.

Me: Is it bad?
Doc: Let’s just say I couldn’t see your tonsils. They’re covered with pus.
Me: I’ll take that as “bad.”
Doc: What have you been shoving down your throat? (Rhetorical)
Me: You have no idea.

I grinned. He snickered. Haha. Then he placed his hands on my neck, just below my jaw and started feeling my swollen whatever.

Doc: Does it hurt when you swallow?
Me: Depends on what I swallow.
Doc: Haha. What else is there to swallow other than food?
Me: I meant, it depends on whether what I swallow is hot or cold. Cold, hurts big time. Hot, doesn’t.

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NOTE: I only have used several websites that compile absurd laws as my references. There’s no way I can verify if these laws actually exist. Read at your own risk.

Laws are highly dependent on the culture of the jurisdiction. Laws in one country can be seen as idiotic by others. Differences in cultures result in differences among national and state laws.

History also plays a major part on the reason for the existence of some laws. Something might have happened in the past that led the lawmakers to come up with such policies. However, as times change, some laws fail to evolve and cope with the people’s modern way of life. Ergo, there are laws that seem so stupid and utterly foolish to us.

Often, these absurd laws have obvious explanations. For example, in France, naming your pig “Napoleon” is punishable by law. This is because France is the country of the great historical figure Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon is the hero of France. That’s why for the French, it is really inappropriate to name a pig “Napoleon.” It’s like someone from the Vatican naming his pig Jesus Christ or Benedict XVI.

For 12 years, chewing gums have been forbidden in Singapore. This may sound ridiculous to many but this law assures the Singaporean government of waste reduction.

Yes, there is an explanation behind every absurd law. However, some laws just sound so dumb that when you hear it, there is no way that you won’t smile, snicker or roll on the floor, laughing to death. Here are 37 of them.

The Married Life

37. In Owensboro, Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to buy a new hat without her husband trying it on first. (How about a girly hat?)

36. In Pennsylvania, no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. (Booo! Boo! Haha)

35. In Vermont, it is illegal for women to wear false teeth without written permission from their husbands.

34. In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife but only once a month. (Beat her twice, you’re going to jail!)

33. In Colorado, it is illegal for men to kiss their wives on a Sunday.

32. In Hong Kong a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah. Justice is sweet.)

Against the Horny

31. In Iowa, it is illegal to kiss for more than five minutes. (How about 5.01 minutes, no?)

30. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. (Whew! I’m in the right Southeast Asian country! Thank God.)

29. In Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Under ANY circumstances? Really? Really?)

28. In Tremonton, Utah, no woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of the city. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

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Status: Ranting
Music: Pocketful of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield

Yogurt. Last Sunday, I woke up craving for some yogurt. Off to Mini-Stop convenience store. I grabbed a cup of strawberry-flavoured yogurt, approached the counter, opened my wallet and took out a P200-bill.

Then the cashier said, “Sir, don’t you have a smaller bill?”

I checked my pockets and looked for a smaller bill. Nadah. I pouted. Looking so apologetic, I responded, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t.”

She told me, “But sir, I don’t have change. You really don’t have a smaller bill, sir?”

“I really don’t. If I had any, I would’ve given it to you coz I really want this damn yogurt right now.”

“But sir, I really don’t have change.”

The conversation went on for God knows how long — the girl telling me she didn’t have change and I, telling her neither did I.

MY GAWD. IT WAS FREAKIN’ INFURIATING. I’m sure, at one point, you have experienced something like this. And I’m sure it almost made your blood hit boiling point. I mean, come on, what did she expect me to do? Put the yogurt back on the shelf and just find another store? Gawd. It’s her duty to find change, not mine. I’m a freakin’ customer — and a hungry one at that.

So what did I do? I opened the cup of yogurt in front of her and said, “I’m willing to wait.”

When someone’s lazy, I turn bitchy. And those who come between yogurt and I shall be doomed. Never EVER deprive me of yogurt.

…

This is actually just a teaser of the next list that I will publish on this blog — top 18 most annoying types of people we encounter everyday. The list is complete but if you have suggestions, hit the post comment button. They just might make them to the list. I already have 18, but I can still change it to Top 20 or something.

image courtesy davesstrawhatinn.com

Note: This entry was written for Crunkish.com, a really interesting site that our team put up. It is still under construction but if you want to take a peek, knock yourself out.

Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two naked individuals reminds us that we can be free. In fact, in this very intimate and private activity, we let go of all our apprehensions, fears and insecurities. Some people want to do this in silence. Some prefer the rough, noisy way. Whatever way you choose, never spoil the moment by saying something incredibly stupid. Here are the top 10 most awful things to say while making love.

10. “Cream. We should paint the ceiling cream.”

One of the most ridiculous things you can do while having an intercourse is not paying attention to your highly engaging activity. When you’re making love or even just having a plain casual sex, focus on your partner and what you do. Do not think about the ceiling, that busted pin light, that ugly painting on the wall or, God forbid, your business presentation for the next day. Sex requires your full attention not just for you to enjoy the activity but also your partner. If ever you get bored in the middle of romancing, at least act as if you were enjoying. Your partner might be doing his/her best and as a sign of common courtesy, do your best enjoying what he/she gives you… or pretending to enjoy what he gives you.

Just swallow it: “Where’s the remote?” “Hon, did you lock the front door?”
Spit it out: “You’re the best.”

9. “You are so much like your sister.”

Or worse, her mom. Or worst, her dad. When you’re making love, never ever compare your partner to another person you have had sex with. That just ruins everything. Think about this: you two are alone, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind should be fixed on your partner and not wandering in some other world. Comparing is not just mean; it is cruel. If you want your partner to give you maximum satisfaction, don’t pull down his/her ego by trying to see how similar or how different he/she is to others.

Just swallow it: “Now I understand why he dumped you.” “You are as great as my ex.”
Spit it out: “Nothing compares to you.”

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I’m staying at my co-owned Internet cafe and there’s a bunch of insufferably noisy kikay girls here, who are really having a hard time logging into friendster.com. They have been spending the last 10 minutes trying to figure out why their window keeps on displaying The page cannot be displayed.

My only prayer is for them to realise they have been typing “freindster,” instead of “friendster.”

No, I’m sooo not gonna tell them. We’re not “freinds.” Ha. Ha. Ha.