Dump Your Guy, Date Andre
The last time I featured Andre and his crazy antics on this blog was in December last year when I posted about Pasay City. A lot has changed since then. For starters, we are now working with the same company. And we’re not just officemates, we’re also in the same team. We’re also housemates. So you can just imagine how many doses of major major “crazy” I get from him every day.
Well, Andre is single. Very much so. And if you’re looking for a witty, brilliant, vibrant young guy who can brighten up your day with just a few words, Andre is for you. (OMG I sound like a pimp.) But hey, seriously, he’s a catch. And if you’re looking, drop a comment because he is looking, too. He has been looking. For a long time. Very long time. Very, very long time. Please guys, somebody just take him! He’s waited enough already. LOL.
And much like the Promil Kid, Andre is actually a most-requested on this blog. So here’s a piece of him. Reasons why Andre is the perfect guy for you. Take it, take it. (Batteries Sold Separately.)
ANDRE IS CHARITABLE.
Andre and I were walking to our apartment building when we spotted this goodlooking guy having lunch at a carinderia near our place. He squeezed my arm. (That’s a sign of Andre having a chuvachoo-choo moment. Not that chuvachoo-choo means love; it could be just libog for all we know.)
Andre: OMG, Yoshke. Look over there.
Yoshke: Yeah, he’s cute.
Andre: Eeeeeh.
Yoshke: But he’s kinda not your market. You know, social class-wise.
Andre: True. Pero di ba? Siya yung tipong OK lang saken. Parang gusto ko syang iahon sa kahirapan. Syeeet. Bibigyan ko sya ng pangkabuhayan showcase a la Wowowee!
ANDRE IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR OPPORTUNITIES
Shy Guy, Andre and I were having dinner when Shy Guy mentioned that from his office, they could see Jake Cuenca’s jaw dropping I-want-to-be-a-pair-of-briefs-someday billboard for Bench Uncut.
Shy Guy: Andre, di ba gusto mo si Jake Cuenca?
Andre: Haynaku, tinatanong pa ba yun?
Yoshke: Honga, eh di ba iniiyakan nya si Jake Cuenca.
Shy Guy: Matutuwa ka sa office namin. Mula sa cafeteria namin, kita namin yung billboard ni Jake Cuenca.
Andre: OMG OMG OMG! May job opening ba sa inyo? Kahit anong trabaho.
Yoshke: Haha, I thought you’re very happy with your job.
Andre: Eeeh, with Jake there, I could be happier!
Yoshke is Evil | The Beef-Forcing Cashier
This is a part of the Yoshke is Evil series, in which I will narrate incidents where I thought I was inconsiderate, hateful or evil. This incident happened two years ago and I still can’t get this out of my head.
Midnight. I had been studying for hours with a friend at Gloria Jean’s Café in Tomas Morato when I felt hungry so we decided to move to a Chinese fast food restaurant across the street for a few minutes. I was smilingly greeted by a female cashier who was ready to take my order. There was something weird about her smile, I could tell. It was like she was tired or unhappy.
Yoshke: Pork Chao Fan with pork siomai, pork tofu, and large pineapple juice. Dine in.
Cashier: OK sir, that’s pork chao fan with pork siomai, pork tofu, and pineapple juice large for dine in.
Yoshke: Yep!
Cashier: Sir, just to confirm, it’s pork siomai, right?
Yoshke: Yes, pork. Right.
So she started pressing away and then she fetched my order. I looked at my siomai and found them darker than usual.
Yoshke: Miss, I think this is beef siomai. I wanted my siomai pork.
Cashier: Oh, sorry sir. Yeah, you said pork siomai, sorry.
And then she just stood there for several seconds, perhaps thinking of what to do next. She then turned to me and asked:
Cashier: Sir, wouldn’t you like beef siomai, instead? I already punched it by mistake…
Yoshke: No, I want pork siomai.
Cashier: Sir, please. They taste exactly the same, anyway.
Yoshke: Miss, I don’t eat beef siomai. I don’t eat beef at all. I wish I did so you wouldn’t need to have my order voided but I really don’t eat beef. Since childhood.
Cashier: Sir, perhaps your friend is going to order beef siomai.
So I asked my friend. She had no interest in my beef siomai because she was on a vegetarian diet that night and she would just order black gulaman.
Who Ate the Tiramisu?
I don’t think I’ll ever forget this story.
When we were in senior year, my college friends and I just loved staying at my friend Ayn’s place. The house is along Banawe St. in Quezon City and it was our favorite place to just chill-out, study, work on our group projects, shoot films, and just kill time. We always went there in a group.
image courtesy of Lis Parsons of www.dailymail.co.uk
Why that place? Because it’s so big with seven rooms, far from buzzkill neighbors, the design is ideal for parties, and the best of all, NO PARENTS. Ayn lives with only her sister, who is the type who asks you, “Hey, when is your next party here? I have some spare beer in the fridge.” That’s the kind of sister you wanna have.
Anyway, one time, Ayn was telling us the WHOLE DAY about the cake she had at home. Being someone who is allergic to anything (or anyone) sweet, Ayn offered, “Guys, we have tiramisu at home. You might want to come over and have some. It’s just me and the maid at home these days and we can’t possibly devour it all.”
As much as we’d love to make love with her tiramisu, her house was just too far from the university. It’s a nice place to party but you won’t really drive or commute all the way to that other end of the city just to have cake, when there’s a bakeshop in Philcoa. Besides, it was thesis season. Everyone was a worker bee.
So no one really went over to Ayn’s place and touched that tiramisu. Poor cake.
A week passed and while all of us were killing time, thinking of something to do, somebody teased Ayn that maybe she had another tiramisu cake that she would love to share since we were not busy anymore.
“Funny you mentioned it,” Ayn said. “It was just so weird. A few days ago, I was gonna have tiramisu so I opened the ref but was shocked to find there was none of it left. So I asked Ate Tessie. I asked her where the cake was. She said that one of my friends ate it.”
Sundays with the Promil Kid
Guess who’s back! I’m finding it hard to blog about my nephew, the Promil Kid, lately because I rarely see him. He’s staying at my parents’ house in Batangas and I only go there once a month. Anyway, enjoy.
image courtesy of www.cartoonfaces.net
AGNOSTIC KID
The Promil Kid is in a difficult identity situation right now. And years from now, it will require a big decision. You see, his mother (my sister) is a Roman Catholic while his dad is INC (Iglesia ni Cristo). So he goes to church twice a week. I’m agnostic so I couldn’t care less. One time, I was preparing breakfast when he walked in to the kitchen and had a small chat with me.
Yoshke: Where are you going?
Promil Kid: I’m going to church.
Yoshke: But I thought you already went yesterday.
Promil Kid: That was Mommy’s church. Now it’s time for Dad’s church.
Yoshke: Aah, I see.
Promil Kid: Tito, what’s your church?
Yoshke: I don’t have one.
Promil Kid: Huh? Why not?
Yoshke: I’m agnostic. I don’t go to church.
Promil Kid: You’re what?
Yoshke: AG-NOS-TIC
Promil Kid: So in your church, you don’t have to go to church?
Yoshke: Yes.
The Promil Kid then walked away, proceeded to the living area and sat down on the couch. He just stayed there. Minutes later, her mom came down from her room and found him there.
His Mommy: Oh, why are you still here? Your Dad’s waiting for you outside!
Promil Kid: I don’t want to go anymore!
His Mommy: Why not?
Promil Kid: I’m agnostic.
I was already eating my pancakes when my sister threw me a what-the-fuck-did-you-just-tell-him look. “Well, he asked,” I said as-a-matter-of-fact-ly.
Mother Like No Other
So I spent my weekend with my family in Batangas. God, if you’re complaining it’s hot here in Manila, it’s way hotter over there. There was never a moment I didn’t agree with Thomas Edison that genius is 99% perspiration. Good thing there was too much food back there, I was always gorging on something — watermelons, green mangoes, buko, ice cream, name it.
It’d been a month since I last visited our house in Batangas but a lot had changed already. One of them was our living room.
My mom bought a sala set two months ago. She fell in love with these brown couches instantly when they dropped by a local furniture store that she bought it without thinking. Satisfied with her purchase, she went home and waited for arrival of her new sala set.
When the set was delivered, however, she realized it was too big for our living area. WAAAY TOO BIG. But she really wanted this set, so screw the little space we have! She did not bother to change her order. So we had a sala set bigger than our sala.
When I arrived, I immediately criticized her impulse buying stint and declared that our sala was officially ugly. Or as the promil kid would say it, “hideous.”
And That’s the Bottom Line!
Here are some completely innocent statements but my friends’ dirty minds tell them otherwise.
SANAY NA
One very toxic night, I had been editing political ads on my laptop with my small marketing teammates at our apartment FOR HOURS. My friends Dohna, Dane, and Frances were sitting on the airbed while I was on the stairs facing a chair where the laptop was on. There was just no place in the mattress left so I had to sit on the bottom step of the staircase despite the discomfort.
Dohna grew concerned about my situation so she asked, “Yoshke, masakit ba?”
And without thinking, I replied, “Hindi naman. Sanay na ang pwet ko.”
Everyone burst into laughter. I meant I got used to being seated for hours.
PUMAPASOK
Frances, Dohna, Asta, JT, Maikel and I were at Starbucks Shangri-la last Thursday night when we agreed to exchange horror stories. Frances was narrating a horrifying encounter when they stayed in Baguio a few years ago, wherein an old lady was torturing her in her sleep but she was awake and she couldn’t move. More like a case of sleep paralysis.
Frances narrated, “Tapos hindi talaga ako makagalaw. Tapos gusto kong sumigaw pero hindi ko magawa, walang lumalabas na boses. Tapos weird, ang hirap ng i-explain. Alam nyo yung feeling na may malaking bagay na pumapasok sa katawan mo?”
“Oo, alam ko ang feeling nang may malaking bagay na pumapasok sa katawan ko,” I interrupted.
Everyone gave me a look as if saying “You ruined dinner.” Sorry naman. She asked! I just answered. I meant I had the same sleep paralysis experience.
HINDI QUALIFIED
While preparing dinner at the condo a few months ago.
Andre: Pag nagkaroon ng Top Chef Philippines, parang ang sarap sumali. Kaso hindi ako qualified.
Yoshke: Bakit naman?
Andre: Hindi kasi ako “top.”
He meant he’s not that experienced a cook!
Pasaway sa Pasay
Vice President wannabe Jejomar Binay’s Ganito Kami sa Makati promotional ad-slash-political ad in disguise says a lot about the city he’s running. Whether it’s true or not, I think Makati is one of those cities in Metro Manila that project a relatively positive image to the public. But how about the others?
It’s actually quite funny what kind of impressions some cities have on people. For example, I’m sure you have heard people making fun of Malabon and its Venice-like situation, except devoid of all grandeur. Or how many of us still associate the entire Muntinlupa with New Bilibid Prison as though the prison is all there is in the city.
This post isn’t about Makati, Malabon, or Muntinlupa. It’s about another city in the southern part of the metropolis — Pasay City.
I’ve been told a number of times about the city’s reputation. For example, when I’m going to Pasay and I’m asking my mom or my friends for directions, they would insist that I do not go alone or that I do not bring any valuables. Even my dear friends from Pasay tell me how frustrated they are with how things go, especially how things are being run.
Is Pasay really that bad? I’m asking coz the only parts of Pasay I go to frequently are the SM Mall of Asia area, DFA, and MRT Taft station.
Here are some instances in which I thought Pasay was used by people around me for their random display of sense of humor.
ANYTHING GOES
Fresh from iBlog Mini at World Trade Center a few weeks ago, Andre and I decided to proceed to SM Mall of Asia to check out the new line of hoodies at Fox Men. We didn’t know where the jeepney terminal was so we started looking for it.
Andre: I don’t think it’s here. Maybe it’s over there?
Yoshke: But we have to cross the road to go there.
Andre: So let’s cross, come on.
Yoshke: Err, wait. Can we? This may be a no-jaywalking zone.
Andre: Yoshke, duh? This is Pasay. There are no rules!
A TALE OF A MISSING COMB
“Where the hell is my comb?!”
Debbie had spent minutes trying to find her comb in the office. This happened two years ago, I was a web writer then. Debbie misplaced her comb and she just could not find it in her cubicle. Out of utter frustration, she talked to herself like she normally did.
Andre and the Comedienne: Good Looks Chronicles
It’s been a while since I posted conversations with Andre. We don’t spend that much time together anymore even though we’re now housemates. Ironic, yeah?
BLIND SPOT
While walking around at a mall:
Yoshke: Uy, nakita mo yung nakasalubong natin? Grabe, he was checking you out! Tingin sya nang tingin sayo!
Andre: Ah talaga? Hindi ko nakita! Gwapo?
Yoshke: Err… Hinde.
Andre: Aaaah… kaya hindi ko nakita.
Aba, may selective blindness!
TOP 3
Shy Guy: Uy Andre, may papakilala ako sa’yo na officemate. Gwapo. Eto Facebook nya.
Andre: Oh sige sige.
Shy Guy showed Andre the guy’s Facebook profile.
Andre: Ay, bet ko na yan!
Shy Guy: Kaso drop out sya ng UST.
Andre: Ay OK lang yun, drop out din naman ako.
Shy Guy: Eh UP ka naman.
Andre: True. At least kahit drop out ako, yung school ko ay nasa top 3!
Yoshke: Top 3 ng…?
Andre: Top 3 ng Cheerdance Competition! Wahahaha.
The Giraffe in the Ref and the Completely Puzzled Life
image courtesy of warkitty.com
One December evening in Paranaque, Andre, Dane and I were killing time by solving puzzles that I compiled in my head since I was a little boy. You see, I love solving puzzles and challenging my friends to put their problem-solving skills to a test. It was one of those nights. We spent hours solving the detective stories I throw at them. Mind you, they were very difficult puzzles.
Just before daybreak, Dane said:
Dane: I am used to simple puzzles like the giraffe-elephant-fridge puzzle.
Yoshke: What’s that puzzle?
Andre: OMG! You don’t know that?
Yoshke: No. Everyone else does?
Andre: Yep. So give it a try.
Dane: Alright, Yoshke, in three steps, how do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Yoshke: Hmmm.
Hmmmmm…
I spend twenty minutes trying to figure it out. When I blurted, “Don’t tell me it’s ‘Open the ref, put the giraffe, and then close it.’”
They laughed their asses off.
Hey, I was expecting a serious puzzle and this silly puzzle just caught me off-guard!
Andre: How about this: In four steps, how do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Yoshke: (confident) (1) Open the door. (2) Move the giraffe aside. (3) Put the elephant inside. (4) Close the door.Andre and Dane: WRONG!
Yoshke: Seriously? What’s the right answer?
Andre and Dane: (1) Open the door. (2) Take out the giraffe. (3) Put the elephant inside. (4) Close the door.Yoshke: But I wanted to just move the giraffe aside!
Andre: Well you can’t! You have to remove the giraffe!
Yoshke: WHY?!!?
Dane: Because it won’t fit!
With that, I snapped!
Yoshke: HOW DARE YOU DICTATE HOW BIG MY REFRIGERATOR IS!!! I MANAGED TO PUT THE DARN GIRAFFE INTO IT; OF COURSE IT CAN ACCOMMODATE AN ELEPHANT!
Alright, so I took that puzzle too seriously. Wahaha.
We all love puzzles. Some people can endure trying to solve one puzzle game and not give up even if they end up hating themselves and hitting someone else for failing to solve it.
Whether it’s just a short detective quiz that a friend has shared or a simple anagram or even a mere puzzling question, we always try to solve them and share them with others. Today, most people are going crazy over sodoku, a puzzle originated in Japan and took the world by storm.
image courtesy of sentimentalrefugee.com
Why do most people love puzzles? Maybe it’s because it is human nature to always ask why or how. Maybe it’s because we love the feeling of being up for the challenge. Maybe it’s the sense of pride and accomplishment when we are able to solve one. Maybe it’s because puzzles divert our attention and escape the real world.
Andre and the Passersby
SM Megamall
Andre, Shy Guy and I were walking around looking for a place to have dinner at when we passed by Petit Monde. The store’s facade is covered with huge posters of Carmen Soo.
Yoshke: Nagagandahan ba kayo kay Carmen Soo?
Shy Guy: Oo. OK lang. Bakit, ikaw?
Yoshke: Oo naman. Ikaw, Andre?
Andre: Oo namaaan. Iba kasi eh. Simpleng ganda lang. Parang… parang… parang ako.
Hala. Maganda daw sya!
Trinoma
Days after the Carmen Soo incident, Andre and I found ourselves in Trinoma. I forgot why we were there (but I swear it wasn’t bird-watching). Anyway, this time, we passed by Bench where a poster showcasing the buffed physique and nakaka-ihing sex appeal ni Gerald Anderson in a sleeveless shirt, his hands under his head, his armpits exposed.
Andre: (squeezing may left shoulder) Gaaaaaah. Eeeeeeh.
Yoshke: O ano na naman?
Andre: Ang sarap naman ng kili-kili ni Gerald… Parang gusto ko dun tumira…
Go lang! Tumira ka sa kili-kili ni Gerald Anderson! Hindi kita pipigilan!
On May 31, 1985, tragedy struck when 41 tornadoes hit Canada and the US, leaving 76 people dead. At the same time, a doomed couple in the Philippines were having the best orgasms of their lives. Nine months (280 days) later, a healthy baby boy was brought into this world by normal delivery. That was exactly a week before Microsoft had its initial public offering.
Today, Yoshke Dimen resides independently in Mandaluyong City. He got a degree in Film from an overrated university in Diliman but is now pursuing a career in Social Media.
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