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One romantic night, my hubby Shy Guy and I were lying in our bed. It was one of those nights when we would just drop everything we were doing and just enjoy the moment. No one was saying anything. Just exchanging glances and smiles. After a sweet long embrace and a gentle kiss, he looked at me and found me staring back at him.
“Anong nasa isip mo?” he asked.
I smiled, touched his face and whispered, “Antaba mo na!”
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I don’t pray. I’m at the point of my life where I don’t really think about spirituality. This is something that I have to discover for myself and have yet to explore. I’m not sure whether I believe in God or not. I’m just not sure.
But I remember one night 25 months ago; I was walking from the MRT Ayala Station to Glorietta and I felt like with every step I made, I was losing every bit of confidence I had. I wanted something so badly that time and I was just not sure whether I would get it. I was not used to failure or rejection and it was not the right moment for a first time. Desperate, I whipped out my phone and texted a friend.
Yoshke: Hi Astrid. This is probably the most important night of my life. If God really exists, I doubt he’d listen to someone who, for the longest time, was doubting His existence. Please pray for me.
Astrid: Oh, alright. What do you want me to ask of God?
Yoshke: That His will be the same as mine. And that His will be done.
And with that, our text conversation ended. My cellphone’s battery failed me that time but I continued walking to where I was supposed to go. The evening proved to be eventful.
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Happy Second Anniversary.
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It was a Tuesday evening. I was walking down the street with a box containing a cake in my hands. It was her favorite.
I stopped in front of her house. Turned to the door. Stopped. Lifted my left hand to knock. Hesitated. At last, I mustered all the courage to make that gentle, reluctant thumping sound as the knuckles of my hand hit the door. It opened. She was there standing in front of me. She was pretty. She was young. She was my girlfriend. We were both 19.
She invited me in as I handed the cake to her. We proceeded to the dining area and she opened the box. There was an obvious delight when she opened the box and saw what was inside of it. She was slicing the cake. “You want some?” she offered.
“No, no. I’m good.” I never liked sweets. I thought it was a misleading taste. Sweetness, I thought, was the taste we use to cover the bitterness of many things. I hated candies. I wasn’t crazy for chocolates. Cakes? Thanks, but no, thanks.
“Still hating cakes? You haven’t changed a bit,” she smiled.
“Er, about that. I have something to tell you.” Finally, I was about to say it. I didn’t think I was ready to admit what I was about to reveal for I, myself, had not accepted it. What I had to say back then started an agonizing evening filled with many “why’s” and “how’s.” There were some tears. There was some consoling. But thank God it ended with much understanding. That’s exactly why I fell in love with her in the first place. She had always been there to offer support and be my leaning wall. It’s just that this time, although she was still there for me to lean on, I felt like it was about to crumble. She was about to crumble. It was my fault.
We never talked since then.
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“What’s on your mind?”
Every night, while lying in bed before we go to sleep and I’m unusually quiet, you’d look at me and ask, “What’s on your mind?” I’d answer with a dismissing, “Wala lang. (Nothing.)” And then, we’d talk about something else.
The truth is, I wasn’t thinking about nothing. I was thinking about you.
Have you ever wondered why I would always make sure you go to sleep before me? That’s because I love looking at you while you’re in dreamland. I would look at you, just look at you. And then I’d just find myself praying, “God, what good did I do to deserve him?”
The funny thing is, I’m not even sure if I believe in God, but I believe in you. You are real. Your love for me is real. Nothing is more real than this. What good did I do to deserve this?
I’d lool for reasons. I would consider the moment I looked for the woman who dropped her pouch when I was at a shopping center in my hometown. Or my yearly habit of donating clothes and books to kids at an orphanage in Taal, Batangas. Or that I usually volunteer. But no, they are not good enough. You are bigger than all of them combined.
I got scared sometimes. I’d think, maybe the question I should be asking was “What bad did you do to deserve me?” Or maybe this happiness actually came with misery that I was yet to feel. Worst, “What if I don’t deserve you at all?”
That’s what ran through my head every night when we were about to sleep or when I watched you sleep. I couldn’t figure it out. I was looking for a reason you’re mine.
Not anymore.
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I have always loved walking. Back in college, I never took a jeepney to go from one class to another even though the next building was on the other side of the UP Diliman campus. If I could walk, I would. There’s just something in walking that is therapeutic. It’s my way of reflecting on my life, planning my day, and squeezing all my creative juices out. Never mind if it takes too much time and effort. It was never tiring.
But one night in February last year, almost 14 months ago, I was walking to the train station from work when I did something I had never done before while walking alone — I smiled. Out of the blue. I smiled. There was an image in my head that triggered it. It was a vision. It was the future.
That night, I met up with you. You were waiting for me somewhere.
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image courtesy of Wired.com
Impress him. Surprise him. Cheat not. Hit not. In simpler terms, these are the most important pieces of advice on keeping a relationship. But sometimes, no matter how strictly you follow these commandments, relationships still die. Some of natural death. Why? Because we tend to overlook simpler but not any less significant things we have to remember when we are the other half of a couple.
10. When you make mistakes, say sorry.
Your heart should be bigger than your ego. Pride will get your relationship nowhere. When you suddenly threw tantrums in the middle of your seventh monthsary dinner (ulimately ruining the night), say sorry. It’s your fault, take the blame. It’s simple, really: When you make a mistake, apologize.
9. When your partner makes mistakes, say sorry.
Shit happens. Everybody makes mistakes. Your partner is not an exception. When your partner does and he or she apologizes, don’t pin all the blame on him/her. Analyze the situation. I mean, REALLY analyze it and you’ll find you have shortcomings, too. Example:
He’s late. It’s his fault, yes. But did you remind him?
He called you a bitch. It’s his fault, yes. But are you really not?
He’s out with friends yet again. It’s not really a fault but let’s say it is. Was it clear you didn’t want him to go out with friends four times a week?
Point is, it wouldn’t hurt to get your share of the blame sometimes. After all, you’re partners.
8. Don’t self-pity.
If you think you’re so ugly or so stupid or so whatever and you think you’re not good at anything, stop it. Self-pitying will only make you feel bad. And if you feel bad about yourself, imagine how it makes your partner feel. Has it ever occurred to you that the more you tarnish your confidence, the worse your partner is hurt?
Think about this: He loves you. If you think you’re worthless, you are insulting your partner in a way.
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Note: I’m a cheesy person alright? But since it’s Valentine’s Day and I wish everyone is in love this season, let me share some more cheese. The kind that is, well, cheesy.
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
That’s from romantic musical film Moulin Rouge. Cheesy line alright but yes, there is nothing in this world that feels better than being in love. It is the most amazing feeling that you will ever have. (Orgasm, an exception.) If what this quote says is not enough reason for you, here’s ten more.
10. It makes you better-looking.
This is not a joke. Believe it or not, falling in love can really make you look a lot better. If you’re the type of person who doesn’t care about your physical appearance, fall in love and see how you would change. When you’re in love, you will always try to look your very best not just to impress the one you love but also to feel good about yourself. You feel conscious about your outfit, your hair and your movements.
Even when you don’t exert any effort on improving your appearance, love really brings something magical to its victims. When people are in love, they smile a lot. There is a certain glowing aura that people in love emit that radiates happiness.
9. It makes you nicer.
How can you be mean to people around you when there is someone who makes every minute of your life wonderful? When people are in love, we tend to focus on our feelings for that lucky person and pay not much attention to other things, much less to the things that make our blood reach the boiling point. And because there is someone who makes us smile every time, it is hard to frown and make other people’s lives miserable. We tend to forget our bitter past and our plans of revenge in the future because what matters is the present.
8. It makes you richer.
It doesn’t mean that you should marry Donald Trump or some other billionaire. Even if you fall in love with an average guy, you have more chances of getting rich. This is because you are more inspired to work and you have another reason to work hard. Intentionally or unintentionally, you will find yourself doing your job a little less exhausting because the feeling of going home to someone you love keeps you through the day in a way that you don’t realize how much work you have done. This is true. Studies have shown that individuals in long-term committed relationships earn more than those who stay single. So if you want to get rich, fall in love.
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You remember last week when I told you I found it difficult to blog since I met you? Since we became a couple officially, I have not had enough time to bond with my nephew and I don’t hang out with Andre as often as I used to. Not that I’m complaining. I enjoy every minute I spend with you.
You joshed, “Why not blog about me? Am I not something worth blogging about?”
You are, of course. But I choose not to. After all, you are one part of my life that I’d rather keep private. That’s how possessive I am of you.
But I’ll give you this blog post.
They say that the hormones responsible for that incredible feeling of falling and being in love linger in the brain for only six months. So it’s a chemically-induced emotion, after all. Six months. Most of the time, these chemicals dry up along with the love.
So that’s why most couples I know barely last seven months. Six months of hormonal euphoria and the seventh month is spent by the neurons deliberating whether to stay in the relationship or to call it quits. And many of them choose to break the other’s heart.
You remember our first date? We were in UP Diliman that night. We sat on the grass and suddenly, fireworks started sparkling in the sky. Neither of us knew or even expected there’d be fireworks. But there were. You borrowed my cellphone, composed a message, and gave it back to me. I still have that message on my inbox. It was probably the first time the love hormones rushed in to my brain.
That was more than six months ago.
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On May 31, 1985, tragedy struck when 41 tornadoes hit Canada and the US, leaving 76 people dead. At the same time, a doomed couple in the Philippines were having the best orgasms of their lives. Nine months (280 days) later, a healthy baby boy was brought into this world by normal delivery. That was exactly a week before Microsoft had its initial public offering.
Today, Yoshke Dimen resides independently in Mandaluyong City. He got a degree in Film from a university in Diliman but is now pursuing a career in Social Media.
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