Alright, I admit. There was a period of my life that I was so addicted to Farmville on Facebook. Sometimes, I’d even go an extra mile just to level up. My housemates would invite me to dinner and I’d respond with “Wait lang. Mag-a-ani lang ako.” It was fun. Harvesting my virtual crops was a fulfilling experience. I felt like my efforts paid off and I deserve all my Farmville cash.

But the moment it started to affect my life (I’d get up early in the morning just to harvest lest my super berries should wither), I made the painful decision of quitting. Sayang, I was on Level 28!

Farmville never entered my head again except for a few occasions when a friend would find an ugly duckling or a brown cow and I was being prompted to adopt them. As much as I’d like to collect chocolate milk, I just had much more important things to do, like, let’s say my job and my blogs.

The next time Farmville got alive in me was when Globe invited me and a couple of other blogger friends to join them on Bayan-Anihan! Globe works with Gawad Kalinga to push a food sufficiency program that aims to put food on Filipino’s tables. The end-result that they wanted was obvious in their cheer: “Goodbye Gutom!”

It was an opportunity I did not let pass. “This is it,” I thought. “Farmville in real life!”

We gathered at Globe Telecom Plaza at 4:30am. We were given a shirt, a towel, and a buri hat, which all proved useful. We arrived in Concepcion, Tarlac at around 9am and we were overwhelmed by the warm welcome the community gave us. Old women in their traditional Filipinana attire and children showing their smiles.

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I found this statement somewhere. (But of course, it’s not just somewhere.) Someone described herself with this:

I hate people whose names have the letter H in their names randomly inserted to it, like in Mhe-Ann and Rhon. It’s just uncalled for. It pisses me off.

The first time I read it, I gasped, “What did I do to her?”

To all who don’t know, Yoshke is just a pen name. My real name is quite common but (yes, you guessed it right) it has an H randomly inserted to it. Like Mhe-Ann. Or Rhon.

I don’t even know the girl, yet she hates me for my name. Of course, my first reaction was “It’s not my fault. I didn’t choose my name.” But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it wasn’t my parents’ fault either. Or anyone’s. It isn’t a fault at all. What’s so annoying with a randomly inserted H, really?

But then, I can’t blame anyone who hates people who have the letter H in their names where there shouldn’t be. After all, I have my own share of irrational hatred. For one, I hate cooked carrots. It’s yummy and delicious and orange. But I hate it for no reason at all. My friends say I discriminate cooked carrots but I can’t help despising it.

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Someone drowned in Matabungkay, Batangas last Sunday. But it seemed like that guy was not the only one that needed saving.

My better half and I spent the long weekend at a beach in my home province. We had grander plans actually — Palaui Island in Cagayan, Caramoan in Camarines Sur, Sagada in Mountain Province, Hundred Islands in Pangasinan — but his weird schedule made the holiday completely pointless. So we were forced to choose a beach that was close to the city.

Matabungkay in Lian, Batangas is indeed close to me. I’m not just talking about physical proximity but more importantly emotionally. I stayed there for two months when I managed an English camp for Korean grade school and college students in 2006 and we made wonderful memories and bond in that barangay. I was very familiar with the place and I thought it was time for Shy Guy to get immersed to the Batangan culture (since he’d never been to Batangas before the trip). Matabungkay was an easy choice. You see, memories, which needed revisiting, were littered on the sands of Matabungkay.

Apparently, it wasn’t just memories that were all over Matabungkay. Trashes, too. I wish I’m talking figuratively here.

It had been three years since I last visited the popular Batangas beach but a lot has changed. There was so much garbage lying on the sand and swimming with tourists. Seaweeds are a common sight in the area but what really ruined the place were plastic cups, glass bottles, aluminum foils, Lucky Me Pancit Canton wrappers… (Sorry, the brand got stuck in my head coz it’s my favorite and there were so much of them there.) It was really heartbreaking.

And yeah, someone drowned while we were swimming. I hope he was able to reach the hospital on time.

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I spent most of my years in Batangas and although my Dad was from Masbate/Palawan, I’ve always considered myself a 100% Batangueno. I’m your typical Batangueno — great and proud of his roots. In Tagalog, magiting at mayabang. Joke lang. Pero half-meant. After all, wala pa akong nakitang Batangueno na hindi proud na taga-Batangas. Gaah, that’s for another story.

Ayun na nga, magiting at mayabang. Sa madaling sabi, barako. Haha.

image courtesy of wowbatangas.com

My mother has a store in Lemery’s New Public Market. Batang palengke ako, ika nga. I used to roam around the market. My eyes, feasting on almost endless colorful arrays of stalls selling toys, clothes, food and other stuff. One of the most noticeable colors also has a very noticeably strong smell. Brown. Coffee. Kapeng barako.

Barako is not a common coffee variety, although it is abundant in Southeast Asia especially in the Philippines. It has the largest beans of all the coffee varieties. Its taste is said to be superior to Robusta, and most Filipino coffee drinkers prefer Barako to Arabica. The Arabica-Barako blend is a popular gourmet coffee. Barako is considered to be the best among Liberica species. (Wiki)

The Lemery Public Market was like a vast coffee pantry. To be honest, even when sleeping, I’d know if we had entered the market premises once that aroma started tickling my nostrils. I used to see at least a couple of “barako stalls” within one block. Parang bigas na may mountain range-type na nakadisplay tapos doon sinasalok yung coffee beans or powder. In one lane, I’d find at least five coffee stores. And God knows how many lanes our market had at the time.

Since I stepped foot on college, I had always asked my mum to buy me packs of kapeng barako. I had not gone back to that market. Until last month. Seven years had gone so fast that I failed to see how much that market changed. At the time, I knew something had changed but I couldn’t quite put a finger on it. I couldn’t figure it out.

Last month, I was approached by someone from Howie Severino’s team from GMA7’s iWitness. She asked me what was worth featuring in or about Batangas. Topics flooded my mind — from the fish pens on the edges of Taal Lake to the soon-to-be-erected Monte Maria Shrine (bigger than Rio de Janeiro’s Jesus Christ the Redeemer) to political dynasties (ahem Ermita ahem Leviste ahem).

As I was thinking of something to suggest, it hit me. What is “wrong” with our local public market today, what’s changed, what’s missing are the barako stalls. They are practically vanishing.

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Because the world is celebrating International Women’s Day on March 8… Wahaha, joke lang! It was supposed to be Top 10. I wanted to include Imelda Marcos but…. Nah. Not that evil, I think. And then Queen Isabella of Castille. And then my sister crossed my mind but I got too lazy so I just settled for nine. And oh, originally written for crunkish.com, a superduper fun website I used to write for.

They say that behind every great man is a great woman. Following this principle, we can also assume that behind every evil man is an evil woman. Yes, there have been cruel women in history that we fail to notice because we sometimes focus on male atrocity. However, some women have showed great inhumanity and have caused tragedy by their own, without any help from any men.

Whether they were the Bonnie to their respective Clyde or the independent, loner type, here are nine of the most utterly despicable women in history who interpreted “girl power” the wrong way. But first, a disclaimer: your ex is not on this list.

9. The Bloody Mary: QUEEN MARY I (1516-1558)

The first woman to be crowned ruler of England, Queen Mary I reigned through a brief period. Her marriage to Prince Philip of Spain caused Parliamentary dissent and rebellion. She forced England back to Roman Catholicism in a vile manner. She ordered the so-called Marian Persecutions, the execution of countless religious dissenters especially Protestant leaders; thus the epithet “Bloody Mary.”

8. Good Queen Bess: QUEEN ELIZABETH I (1533-1603)

Her nickname “Good Queen Bess” proves to be improper because of her bad behavior. Forget about Cate Blanchett’s excellent portrayal. Queen Elizabeth was as cruel as any ruler could get.

If Queen Mary brought England back to Roman Catholicism, Elizabeth suppressed it in the cruelest way possible. She had thousands of Catholics in Ireland and England murdered. She may have done good things as regards to parliament, it doesn’t take away the fact that she was an evil tyrant. She even ordered piracy and raiding of Spanish ships. She was also heavily involved in slave trading movement as she sponsored slavers to capture Africans. She also gave Queen Mary of Scots refuge but she betrayed her and kept her prisoner for 19 years before finally killing her.

7. The Angel of Death: BEVERLY GAIL ALLIT (1968-)

If you think all nurses are so adorable and admirable, you should meet Beverly Gail Allit. Also called “the Angel of Death,” she was a British pediatric nurse who was convicted of the murder of four kids at the children’s ward of Grantham and Kesteven Hospital in Lincolnshire in 1991.

As a nurse, she used a medical tool in her murders — the syringe. Yes, she would inject the child with potassium or insulin, leading to cardiac arrest. If she was unable to get the injections, she would suffocate the child. In total, she had assaulted 13 children. Only four were killed. You may be thinking that it’s a very small number for a serial killer to actually make it to this list but she did all these in a span of only 58 days. This made her earn a slot on the list of the most notorious serial killers in Britain.

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Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

This is an old popular joke that never fails to make those who hear it cringe or laugh. National stereotypes have been the subject of many jokes for centuries. Even today when the international community promotes diversity and encourages tolerance, certain people are still tagged according to their nationalities.

Heck, I’m sure you already have heard or thought one or more of these stereotypes-turned-jokes:

• The Romanians are vampires.
• The Swiss love clocks.
• Japanese men have small dicks.
• (Thus) Japanese women love Caucasian men.
• The French have poor hygiene.
• The Chinese know kung fu. And so on…

To some, national stereotypes may provoke racism. To others, national stereotypes are harmless jokes based on the identity that a certain nation or people has established or projected towards other countries through the years.

But is there a sliver of truth in these national stereotypes? Or are they just inaccurate preconceived notions, which can be pretty offensive to many people? Whatever your views are, here are ten of the most common national stereotypes and why they are somehow false. Note that these are stereotypes based on nationalities and not race.

10. Italians are good lovers but bad workers.

The Italians are known for three P’s: pizza, pasta and passionate sex. Who wouldn’t want that kind of reputation as a people? However, it doesn’t end there. Italy is also seen by others as the land of the inefficient and the disorganized. Hmmm.

This preconceived notion is truly unfair to the Italians. If they were such bad workers who could only spend the entire day at a restaurant, make love, or exact revenge Mafia-style, how could they keep their gigantic textile, chemical and engineering industries going?

Aside from that, the Italians run and organize everything in Italy, which, by anyone’s standards, is one of the most glorious nations in the world. Italy takes pride in its great cuisine, fantastic culture and fine architecture. If they were such an inefficient people, how come Italy’s history is littered with splendid achievements?

9. Canadians are boring.

Those who say that Canadians are boring are probably the same people who think that the Canadian capital is Toronto, that the Canadian culture is based around Celine Dion, and that Canadians live in igloos.

The truth is, the climate is not the only thing that is cooler in this country. Canada offers a wide range of exciting activities such as snowboarding, kayaking and many other sports for the adventurous. You’ll also not run out of reasons to laugh in this more-than-maple country. After all, many comedians in Hollywood are Canadians — Mike Myers, John Candy, Matthew Perry, Eugene Levy and Jim Carrey among others. Their names hardly sound boring, don’t they?

8. Filipinos are uneducated island people.

In early 2007, someone asked this question on Yahoo! Answers:

Where is the best Architecture school in the Philippines?

Hmmm. Interesting. But you know what’s more interesting — the one and only answer. Okay, Breathe in… breathe out… (more…)

Status: My room aircon is busted. Waaah. Ang init.
Music: Best Days – Graham Colton

“Hahada laang.”

This was what I told my new housemates in UP Diliman when they asked me where I was going. They laughed their guts out. I didn’t know why. But I laughed with them. Pretended I was getting the joke I didn’t even realise I cracked.

I added, “Bakit? Gusto nyo sumama?”

And they laughed even harder. Way harder. I was a college freshman. And I was straight then. This was why I made a sort of “joker” impression on my housemates even though most of the time, I was as serious as hell. And the only humour I knew was sarcastic.

“Hada” in Batangas, or at least in Lemery, means “to take a walk.” Hihikap. Gagala. Maglalakad-lakad. It took me almost two years to finally figure out that “hada,” in gay lingo, actually means to go out and look for potential sexcapades. I didn’t know.

When I tell people I’m a Batangueno, they are usually shocked. Their first reaction is always to ask me “How come you don’t have the accent?” I never had that accent. I can fake it but I never had it. We don’t have it in the family. But fellow Batanguenos and even those who hailed from other Southern Tagalog provinces easily trace my Batangan roots when I start talking. I may not have the accent, but my diction — ah, my diction — is as Batangan as it can get.

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In any known culture, murder is considered a heinous crime. This is because human life is valued more than anything else in the world. Throughout history, however, we have seen countless serial killers and mass murderers rise and spread terror. They are often seen as heartless monsters who are incapable of seeing life as sacred.

Many of these serial killers commit murders one after another because of a mental illness or pure hatred and rage. Whatever their reasons are, they still manage to keep the attention of the public on them and mark their names on history. Here are the top 10 most notorious serial killers of all time.

Warning: graphic language and gruesome pictures below.

10. THE PIOUS MONSTER

Real name: Gilles de Rais (France)
Murder count: 80 to 600

Often dubbed as the precursor to the modern serial killer, Gilles de Rais of France was a nobleman and a military captain in the army led by St. Joan of Arc. He was convicted of raping, torturing and killing dozens (or hundreds) of young children, mostly boys between six to 18. Although he preferred boys, if circumstances required, he would make do with girls.

Surviving accounts narrate how Rais would lure young boys with blond hair and blue eyes to his residences. Then, he would sexually molest, torture and mutilate the poor kids. Most of the time, he would ejaculate over the body of the dying victim. He was not alone. He had accomplices helping him set up the heads of these kids so that they could judge who among these kids was the fairest.

Most of the bodies were burnt or buried and until now, the exact number of his victims is still unknown. However, it is placed between 80 and 200. Some think that it may even be as high as 600.

9. THE KILLER CLOWN

Real name: John Wayne Gacy (Chicago, Illinois, US, 1972 – 1978)
Murder count: more than 29

We know that clowns bring fun and joy to children. Well, one clown decided to prove us wrong. He brought terror, instead. Move over, JOKER. Hehe.

John Wayne Gacy is one of the most notorious killers in the history of America. He has two jobs. By day he was a respected member of the community and a business owner who loved to entertain children as Pogo the Clown.

But at night, he was a serial murderer, cruising the streets looking for teenage boys to torture and murder. Once he had the young men at his suburban home, he would show them a magic trick using handcuffs. However, there was no magic trick. With the boys already handcuffed, he would sexually assault them all he could. Then, the brutal torture and murder followed.

For six years, the bodies of his victims stacked up in the crawlspace of his home. Due to lack of space, he was forced to throw his next victims into the Des Plaines River.

He was finally caught when he let his last victim escape after a night of horrendous torture. When the police searched his house, they found 29 bodies piled up under the patio floor and in the crawlspace. In 1980, he was sentenced to death. In 1994, he was executed.

8. THE GAY SLASHER

Real name: Andrew Phillip Cunanan (US, 1996-1997)
Murder count: 5

Andrew Cunanan murdered only five people but he was very infamous all over the world. This Filipino-American serial killer was listed on the Ten Most Wanted Fugitives of the FBI.

Cunanan always visited gay neighbourhoods in San Diego, San Francisco and Los Angeles. Many of those he met described him as articulate, intelligent and charming. He was also said to have extreme sexual tastes and sadomasochistic inclination. Most of all, he was also very handsome. And he put this asset of his to evil use.

Unlike most serial killers who pick up their victims in the streets, Cunanan eyed the rich and the famous. Yes, he killed only five people but these people were SOME people. And he managed to kill them in a three-month cross country trip. His first victim was a former US Naval Officer, Jeffrey Trail. Architect David Madson came next. The next to meet his demise in Cunanan’s hands was Lee Miglin, a real estate developer. He then killed William Reese, a cemetery caretaker, for his truck. And his fifth and final victim — Gianni Versace, a billionaire fashion designer. Because Cunanan was reported to be working as a prostitute, the media speculated that four of his victims were actually his clients.

There was a national manhunt for Cunanan. Before being captured, however, he committed suicide in a Miami houseboat.

Andrew Cunanan after the suicide

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A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly digested the story that the rhymes tell. And then he began asking rather uncomfortable questions. One of the first rhymes I taught him was Humpty Dumpty.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses, And all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!

He might have finally understood the rhyme when he gasped and said curiously, “Did he die?”

“Well,” I replied, “he’s an egg. Who cares?”

“I like eggs. Did they cook Humpty Dumpty?”

“Maybe. Who knows?” He looked sorry but we went on singing. And then there was Rock-A-Bye Baby.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

And again, my nephew asked, “Tito, did the baby die?”

“I hope not. But it was just a baby and it fell from a tree. So… Poor baby.”

“Why was the baby on top of the tree?”

“I dunno. Maybe it was a baby koala bear,” I dodged, not realising that a-koala-cub-in-a-cradle was a very stupid thought. But really, my nephew was right, why the hell is the baby on the tree top, anyway?

I went on teaching him more nursery rhymes. Itsy Bitsy Spider. Pop Goes the Weasel. Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater. Old King Cole. Baa Baa Black Sheep.

I’ve always noticed that many of our nursery rhymes are actually very violent. I don’t usually give a damn. But my nephew was smart enough to understand what he was singing and sensitive enough to actually feel for the characters. After almost every rhyme I taught him, he would ask me what happened to the character.

• to Peter’s wife whom he kept inside a pumpkin. (Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater)
• to the itsy-bitsy spider after going up the spout again (Itsy Bitsy Spider)
• to the three blind mice after the farmer’s wife cut off their tails (Three Blind Mice)
• to the four and twenty blackbirds that were baked in a pie (Sing a Song of Sixpence)
• to Jack who fell down and to Jill who tumbled after (Jack and Jill)

I had to remind my nephew that it was bad to make fun of blind people (or blind mice, for that matter) and that pies don’t have dead black birds in them (at least, not usually). And guess what my nephew said after Jack and Jill. “Tito, did they die?”

Thank God he didn’t ask how many people were killed when the London Bridge fell down.

But even before this incident, I’ve always been wondering why these nursery rhymes have a sort of violent theme. Glenn once told me that they reflect history — what was happening at the time of the rhyme’s creation. It was only five minutes ago when I did some research and this is what I have found.

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NOTE: I only have used several websites that compile absurd laws as my references. There’s no way I can verify if these laws actually exist. Read at your own risk.

Laws are highly dependent on the culture of the jurisdiction. Laws in one country can be seen as idiotic by others. Differences in cultures result in differences among national and state laws.

History also plays a major part on the reason for the existence of some laws. Something might have happened in the past that led the lawmakers to come up with such policies. However, as times change, some laws fail to evolve and cope with the people’s modern way of life. Ergo, there are laws that seem so stupid and utterly foolish to us.

Often, these absurd laws have obvious explanations. For example, in France, naming your pig “Napoleon” is punishable by law. This is because France is the country of the great historical figure Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon is the hero of France. That’s why for the French, it is really inappropriate to name a pig “Napoleon.” It’s like someone from the Vatican naming his pig Jesus Christ or Benedict XVI.

For 12 years, chewing gums have been forbidden in Singapore. This may sound ridiculous to many but this law assures the Singaporean government of waste reduction.

Yes, there is an explanation behind every absurd law. However, some laws just sound so dumb that when you hear it, there is no way that you won’t smile, snicker or roll on the floor, laughing to death. Here are 37 of them.

The Married Life

37. In Owensboro, Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to buy a new hat without her husband trying it on first. (How about a girly hat?)

36. In Pennsylvania, no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. (Booo! Boo! Haha)

35. In Vermont, it is illegal for women to wear false teeth without written permission from their husbands.

34. In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife but only once a month. (Beat her twice, you’re going to jail!)

33. In Colorado, it is illegal for men to kiss their wives on a Sunday.

32. In Hong Kong a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah. Justice is sweet.)

Against the Horny

31. In Iowa, it is illegal to kiss for more than five minutes. (How about 5.01 minutes, no?)

30. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. (Whew! I’m in the right Southeast Asian country! Thank God.)

29. In Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Under ANY circumstances? Really? Really?)

28. In Tremonton, Utah, no woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of the city. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

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