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A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly digested the story that the rhymes tell. And then he began asking rather uncomfortable questions. One of the first rhymes I taught him was Humpty Dumpty.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses, And all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!

He might have finally understood the rhyme when he gasped and said curiously, “Did he die?”

“Well,” I replied, “he’s an egg. Who cares?”

“I like eggs. Did they cook Humpty Dumpty?”

“Maybe. Who knows?” He looked sorry but we went on singing. And then there was Rock-A-Bye Baby.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

And again, my nephew asked, “Tito, did the baby die?”

“I hope not. But it was just a baby and it fell from a tree. So… Poor baby.”

“Why was the baby on top of the tree?”

“I dunno. Maybe it was a baby koala bear,” I dodged, not realising that a-koala-cub-in-a-cradle was a very stupid thought. But really, my nephew was right, why the hell is the baby on the tree top, anyway?

I went on teaching him more nursery rhymes. Itsy Bitsy Spider. Pop Goes the Weasel. Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater. Old King Cole. Baa Baa Black Sheep.

I’ve always noticed that many of our nursery rhymes are actually very violent. I don’t usually give a damn. But my nephew was smart enough to understand what he was singing and sensitive enough to actually feel for the characters. After almost every rhyme I taught him, he would ask me what happened to the character.

• to Peter’s wife whom he kept inside a pumpkin. (Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater)
• to the itsy-bitsy spider after going up the spout again (Itsy Bitsy Spider)
• to the three blind mice after the farmer’s wife cut off their tails (Three Blind Mice)
• to the four and twenty blackbirds that were baked in a pie (Sing a Song of Sixpence)
• to Jack who fell down and to Jill who tumbled after (Jack and Jill)

I had to remind my nephew that it was bad to make fun of blind people (or blind mice, for that matter) and that pies don’t have dead black birds in them (at least, not usually). And guess what my nephew said after Jack and Jill. “Tito, did they die?”

Thank God he didn’t ask how many people were killed when the London Bridge fell down.

But even before this incident, I’ve always been wondering why these nursery rhymes have a sort of violent theme. Glenn once told me that they reflect history — what was happening at the time of the rhyme’s creation. It was only five minutes ago when I did some research and this is what I have found.

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NOTE: I only have used several websites that compile absurd laws as my references. There’s no way I can verify if these laws actually exist. Read at your own risk.

Laws are highly dependent on the culture of the jurisdiction. Laws in one country can be seen as idiotic by others. Differences in cultures result in differences among national and state laws.

History also plays a major part on the reason for the existence of some laws. Something might have happened in the past that led the lawmakers to come up with such policies. However, as times change, some laws fail to evolve and cope with the people’s modern way of life. Ergo, there are laws that seem so stupid and utterly foolish to us.

Often, these absurd laws have obvious explanations. For example, in France, naming your pig “Napoleon” is punishable by law. This is because France is the country of the great historical figure Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon is the hero of France. That’s why for the French, it is really inappropriate to name a pig “Napoleon.” It’s like someone from the Vatican naming his pig Jesus Christ or Benedict XVI.

For 12 years, chewing gums have been forbidden in Singapore. This may sound ridiculous to many but this law assures the Singaporean government of waste reduction.

Yes, there is an explanation behind every absurd law. However, some laws just sound so dumb that when you hear it, there is no way that you won’t smile, snicker or roll on the floor, laughing to death. Here are 37 of them.

The Married Life

37. In Owensboro, Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to buy a new hat without her husband trying it on first. (How about a girly hat?)

36. In Pennsylvania, no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. (Booo! Boo! Haha)

35. In Vermont, it is illegal for women to wear false teeth without written permission from their husbands.

34. In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife but only once a month. (Beat her twice, you’re going to jail!)

33. In Colorado, it is illegal for men to kiss their wives on a Sunday.

32. In Hong Kong a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah. Justice is sweet.)

Against the Horny

31. In Iowa, it is illegal to kiss for more than five minutes. (How about 5.01 minutes, no?)

30. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. (Whew! I’m in the right Southeast Asian country! Thank God.)

29. In Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Under ANY circumstances? Really? Really?)

28. In Tremonton, Utah, no woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of the city. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

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Right now, I’m hungry. It’s almost 7pm and I still haven’t shoved anything into my esophagus for the past five hours — which reminds me of the moment I arrived at my mother’s house in Batangas last weekend. And the first thing that got my attention? The two sacks of rice lying on the floor. Hmmm. Someone did some panic buying, I thought. My mum said it would last for four months, which means we won’t be worrying about the “rice price rise.”

When I came back to the city, I dined at my favourite carinderia near my apartment. It didn’t come as a surprise to me when the waitress told me that a cup of rice costs 10 pesos. That’s PhP4 higher than the last time I was there.

It’s really sad that we experience rice shortage. I mean, I don’t know, it’s just sad that a country as agriculture-based as the Philippines has to import something as staple as rice. RICE. RICE. RICE. Something that a Filipino meal isn’t without.

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Status: My legs are numb.
Music: Sober - Kelly Clarkson

After getting stuck in the capital city for more than two weeks (I don’t have cable TV there), I’m finally back here in my hometown where I get to have my daily dose of HBO, National Geographic, and the most important channels for me right now, CNN and BBC. And it’s not just because of their hot correspondents. (Oh don’t get me started with that, I can talk about it all day. Max Foster. Colleen McEdwards. Hotness. And John Vause, marry me. Hehehe.) Of course, I need to be completely aware of the going-ons in the international scene for my Foreign Service career path.

Anyways, besides the devastating quake in Peru, two things caught my interest and they’re about two different farmers in the land down under, Australia.

OK, the first one. David George, a 53-year old farmer was forced to spend an entire week (yes, every minute of every day of it) up a tree in a remote crocodile-infested swamp where crocs stalked him until he was rescued. Wow. Talk about patience. Everyone, give him a round of applause. I can’t even imagine myself being stranded in an island! But this guy, he spent a week up a TREE. Damn! Very admirable. But no, I won’t try it. I mean, take away my TV and I won’t stop ranting. But up a tree? Where you can’t do practically anything pleasurable. (Other than jacking off, that is.) And not to mention the hungry maneaters waiting for you to just give up and fall. Gawd. And he’s 53-years old.

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Status: My eyes are in pain
Music: Miss You Like Crazy - Natalie Cole

It’s been a crazy week. And everything’s driving me crazy. But first, I would like to apologise for my unannounced week-long hiatus. I have a pretty good explanation.

Last Friday morning, I woke up and realised that my left eye was sore. And it was itchy. And teary. And sooo red. And it dawned on me: OH.MY.GOD! I got a “sore eye,” or pinkeye or bloodshot eye! What’s the medical term? Aha! Conjunctivitis. Whatever. And that simple realisation marked the beginning of a terrible week for me. The next day, both my eyes were infected. (I’ll be posting pictures soon. Hehehe). I officially became a walking viral infection. Read the rest of this entry »

Status: Pissed
Music: In God’s Hands - Nelly Furtado

I’m a little ticked off. Earlier today, while killing time with a friend at an open-air cafe, a young beggar approached us and asked for money. Being myself that time, I firmly said no, despite the kid’s persistence. My friend was appalled and dismayed by my firmness in not sparing the poor kid some coins. But you know, I’m just not the type who gives alms to paupers on the streets. So my friend just kept on saying not-so-nice things to me while gorging on some chocolate cake and drinking coffee. And I could stand it until he called me an arrogant anti-poor prick. That hit home.

Okay. So I don’t give alms. So what? Does that make me a bad person? Does that automatically mean that I don’t have a heart for the poor? For starters, the primary reason I don’t give money, not a single coin, to wandering kids is because I don’t want them to get used to it. Is it for me? No. It’s for them. What harm will it bring me if I spare them a few bucks? None. But it will harm them. By giving them money, they’d think they could just continue what they are doing running around on the streets begging for money. Does that make me arrogant?

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Status: Off to Israel… Kidding
Music: Shoulda Woulda Coulda - Beverly Knight

No, I’m not encouraging you to go to that Maxim party. (It’ll be in New York, hello!?) I want you to look at the woman on that poster. She’s one of the female (former) Israeli soldiers to grace Maxim’s cover this July. (Yes, she’s a soldier. Really. I swear.) There’s nothing controversial about it really EXCEPT for the fact that it is sponsored by the Israeli government itself. And why the hell is Israel doing this? Well, they say, to promote a positive image of the country. Hehehe. You think it’s absurd? Welcome to the club!

The rationale: the Israeli Consulate in New York found out that, apparently, Israel, as a nation, was not particularly well-regarded in the United States and was perceived as “too religious and too militaristic” by the 18-35 male demographic. So, they felt they had to do something about it, and *surprise, surprise* they thought, “We’re not just about guns and Hanukkah. We got pussies, too! Hot pussies! Hot military pussies! Oh yeah! The damn tourists will be flooding our airports soon.”

Of course, this “hot” move by the Jewish nation was not that hot or may be too hot for some people. Protesters claim that the Israeli government is resorting to pornography and trying to sell sex to promote tourism. Oh, protesters, shut up, will ya? It’s not everyday that we see hot bikini-clad Jewish soldiers. (Kidding. Shoot me.)

I can imagine myself talking with a friend:

Yoshke: Hey, I’m going to Jerusalem!
Friend: What for? To see the light?
Yoshke: Not really, dude. No light. Just heaven.

And this reminds me of a marketing gimmick by an airline in Ecuador, where they offer free bikini and swimsuit shows on board. The aisle is the runway, of course. And you can get this close to the models. That airline has already reported a significant increase in bookings. And again, I can imagine:

Yoshke: Let’s go to Ecuador.
Friend: And why? There’s nothing much to see there.
Yoshke: It’s not the destination, man. It’s the journey.

It’s funny how we use women to generate profit. States and businesses alike. It’s funny. But it’s pretty sad, too. Really.

Status: Amused
Music: Fly By - Blue

I know this issue is so not new especially here in the Philippines and also in the US, but I would just like to talk about it now that Europe is finally noticing what we’ve been laughing about (/ at). Anyway, are you aware that the Polish government tries to ban the hit television programme for kids Teletubbies? Why, you ask? Because they say that this show promotes homosexuality. Poland’s government has always been conservative when it comes to gender issues (to the point that it’s been dubbed homophobic) so this did not come as a surprise to me when I first heard about this on CNN about a month ago. But I really find this issue so interesting and somewhat amusing. They have a point, though. I mean, just look at Tinky Winky (see pic, left). Tinky Winky, the largest of all the teletubbies, is a male character, yet he always carries that red woman’s handbag. Not to mention he’s sooo purple. Ehehe. You think I’m kidding? No. I’m so damn serious. Poland’s Children’s Ombudsman Ewa Sowinska said that Tinky Winky’s purse could be a latent sign of homosexuality, and that the show may have some kind of hidden sexual subtext. No wonder some gay communities use Tinky Winky as an icon. Years ago, the late Jerry Falwell, an American fundamentalist pastor and televangelist, had criticised this show long before this issue sparked in Europe. Thank God Jerry Falwell is dead, that avaricious chauvinistic feminist-hater, homophobe, hatemonger, son-of-a-bitch. (Sorry, I got carried away.) And oh, can somebody tell me what Po’s gender really is? You know, the red tomboyish-acting one. Hehehe.

Anyway, I was also able to watch a Democratic Presidential Debate (I love watching and hearing the liberal Democrats argue. I also watch the damn conservative Republicans but all I could do everytime is either cringe or puke.) When the issue on the lifting of the ban on gay men and lesbians in the US military was brought up, I liked what former First Lady Hillary Clinton said:

 ”You don’t have to be straight to shoot straight.”

Very well said, Senator. Were I an American, I’d vote vote for you. Too bad I’m not American. (Damn, what have I said? I’m soo happy I’m not, actually.) Hehehe. 
*Photo courtesy of bbc.co.uk

Status: Still Traumatised
Music: A Song for You - Elliott Yamin

Thinking of the most dignified way to kill yourself? Try volunteering for PPCRV as a Poll Watcher.

But surprisingly, I’m still alive. (But I didn’t intend to kill myself, I just wanted to help.) Yep, believe it or not, the ever arrogant Yoshke made a humble and noble choice of volunteering this election season. And after almost 30 hours of no sleep and sagging eyebags and new sets of pimples, I was completely a different person. My mum asked me when I got home, “How was it?” And all I could reply was, “Traumatic.”

I knew it was gonna be tough and rough but I never expected it to be that chaotic, dramatic, and violent. The last sound that a diplomat wannabe wants to hear is the sound of a gunshot. And hell, in that volunteering stint, I got the last thing I wanted. Though it was just a warning shot, for a peace-loving creature like me, it was just too much.

May 14, 6:30am, my first stop was the church to meet the priests who would give me specific instructions. As a PPCRV volunteer, the most important duties were to fill out the Certificates of Votes (COVs) they handed me, and to pick up the 6th copy (Namfrel copy) of election returns from the precincts and drop them off at the parish hall. Other tasks include looking out for cheating incidents and other irregularities.

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Status: Waiting. Just waiting.
Music: Hurt - Christina Aguilera

Here’s something to make your day a little brighter. U.P. (University of the Philippines) made it to Times Higher Education Supplement-Quacquarelli Symonds (THES-QS) Top Universities in the World. We are 299th in the world, 47th in Asia, 10th in Southeast Asia and the best in the country. But then again, as an old colleague of mine said, during her college years, UP was 23rd globally (not sure if this is true, though). Anyway, also in the list are Ateneo de Manila University (ADMU), De La Salle University (DLSU), and University of Santo Tomas (UST). I wonder why Silliman University is not in the list when I’ve been hearing stuff saying Silliman is already next to UP in the local rankings. Hmmm…. Perhaps the group who conducted this study did not take a look at and into Silliman.

Here’s the summary of the list.*

WORLD’S TOP TEN:
1. Harvard University, USA
2. University of Cambridge, UK
3. University of Oxford, UK
4/5. Massachusetts Institute of Technology and Yale University, USA
6. Stanford University, USA
7. California Institute of Technology, USA
8. University of California Berkeley, USA
9. Imperial College London, UK
10. Princeton University, USA

ASIA’S TOP TEN:
14. Peking University, China
19. University of Tokyo, Japan
19. National University of Singapore, Singapore
28. Tsing Hua University, China
29. Kyoto University, Japan
33. University of Hong Kong, Hong Kong
50. Chinese University of Hong Kong, Hong Kong
57. Indian Institute of Technology, India
58. Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, Hong Kong
61. Nanyang Technological University, Singapore

SOUTHEAST ASIA’S TOP TEN:
19. National University of Singapore, Singapore
61. Nanyang Technological University, Singapore
161. Chulalongkorn University, Thailand
192. University of Malaya, Malaysia
250. University of Indonesia, Indonesia
258. Bandung Institute of Technology, Indonesia
270. University of Gadjah Mada, Indonesia
277. University Sains Malaysia, Malaysia
292. University Putra Malaysia, Malaysia
299. University of the Philippines, Philippines

PHILIPPINE RANKINGS:
299. University of the Philippines
392. De La Salle University
484. Ateneo de Manila University
500. University of Santo Tomas

*special thanks to beterano of peyups.com