How to Kill Cockroaches the Funny Way

My college friends and I used to have a barkada forum and a blog. We used to post there absolutely anything that we could think of. Simple things like our dreams. Crazy things like our own dictionary. And weird things like how we prefer to kill cockroaches when we see one.

image courtesy of www.lifehackery.com

One of my college friends called my attention to a certain blog post we posted back in the day. I’d actually forgotten about it already. But now that I’m reading it again, I just can’t help laughing. And I’m sharing it with you. However, I apologize to all my Pinoy readers as some parts are in Tagalog and I kept it that way. Translating it would just ruin it.

HOW TO TORTURE AN IPIS
by Pam Condeno

1. Pour Green Cross alcohol.

2. Get encyclopedia and drop it right on the target. Make sure it finds itself in a very AWKWARD situation where it will render itself confused, disturbed, and a bit in a vertigo state.

3. Make sure when it flies, you have an alcohol with you and swish it to make it pilay.

HOW TO KILL IPIS (especially with wings)
by KZ Ottara

1. Camouflage with the wall

2. Grab a slipper

3. ATTACK!!!

4. Step on the slipper to make piga

5. LEAVE OVERNIGHT FOR MORE FLAVOR!

HOW TO KILL COCKROACHES IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE HOUSE
by Reen Ladignon

1. Slam foot on ipis. (Said foot should be wearing a shoe or slipper.)

2. If ipis is on wall, take off shoe or slipper and make sapak the ipis.

3. If ipis is on kisame, get walis and swish at the ipis to make it fall down. Then proceed to number 1 or 2.

4. If Reen sees ipis while she is washing dishes outside their house, then she makes squirt-squirt it with dishwashing liquid and pours the dirty water on it. See them scatter. If ipis crawls near the hand, grab the nearest kawali and slap it on the ipis. Do nothing if it crawls down the drain.

5. If ipis is flying, grab a Baygon can and spray mercilessly towards the ipis. You will be momentarily disgusted at seeing the legs of the ipis in all their glory nearing toward you—but then you will soon have the satisfaction seeing the ipis make gewang-gewang as it falls to the ground.

All done while screaming like a headless chicken.

Continue reading »

Top 10 Simple Ways to Make a Relationship Last

image courtesy of Wired.com

Impress him. Surprise him. Cheat not. Hit not. In simpler terms, these are the most important pieces of advice on keeping a relationship. But sometimes, no matter how strictly you follow these commandments, relationships still die. Some of natural death. Why? Because we tend to overlook simpler but not any less significant things we have to remember when we are the other half of a couple.

10. When you make mistakes, say sorry.

Your heart should be bigger than your ego. Pride will get your relationship nowhere. When you suddenly threw tantrums in the middle of your seventh monthsary dinner (ulimately ruining the night), say sorry. It’s your fault, take the blame. It’s simple, really: When you make a mistake, apologize.

9. When your partner makes mistakes, say sorry.

Shit happens. Everybody makes mistakes. Your partner is not an exception. When your partner does and he or she apologizes, don’t pin all the blame on him/her. Analyze the situation. I mean, REALLY analyze it and you’ll find you have shortcomings, too. Example:

He’s late. It’s his fault, yes. But did you remind him?
He called you a bitch. It’s his fault, yes. But are you really not?
He’s out with friends yet again. It’s not really a fault but let’s say it is. Was it clear you didn’t want him to go out with friends four times a week?

Point is, it wouldn’t hurt to get your share of the blame sometimes. After all,  you’re partners.

8. Don’t self-pity.

If you think you’re so ugly or so stupid or so whatever and you think you’re not good at anything, stop it. Self-pitying will only make you feel bad. And if you feel bad about yourself, imagine how it makes your partner feel. Has it ever occurred to you that the more you tarnish your confidence, the worse your partner is hurt?

Think about this: He loves you. If you think you’re worthless, you are insulting your partner in a way.

Continue reading »

How to Burn Bridges

Status: Hap-hap-happy.
Music: Broken Strings | James Morrison feat Nelly Furtado

Care to solve the following problems? Drop your two cents here.

Problem #1

You’ve had the best five months together. Suddenly, you get distracted. You become busy with other things. You’re still in love with her but time isn’t one of the things you can give her right now. Before you know it, it’s been weeks.

One day, finally, you decide to meet her and talk. She asks if you want to end the relationship. You say, “it’s up to you.” Pissed, she tells you “Aright, it’s over.” And being the prideful person that you are, you don’t wanna look like the one on the losing end, so you say, “Okie. No big deal.” And then you part ways.

The funny thing is, you are still in love with each other. MADLY. But you are both afraid to look like the one aching for it. Since then, you haven’t heard from each other. You’ve never been in love with anyone after her. She’s in a relationship now but she’s still deeply in love with you.

Three years later, you meet again. It’s the day you’ve both been waiting for. You ask her to leave her boyfriend for you. She does.

And because you’ve always loved each other, you are both in euphoria. But as the days pass, you realize that everything isn’t how it used to be and that you’ve been in love with her memory and not with who she is now. And now, you want to end it. How are you gonna tell her?

Problem #2

She’s always been in love with you and it’s no secret. Your family and friends are aware of it. In fact, they have been teasing you, pairing you up with her all the damn time. She’s pretty, kind, and very likable. She’s almost the perfect girlfriend.

But you’ve been having this identity crisis lately. It is starting to dawn on you that you are turning gay.

Continue reading »

Top 9 Ways to Come Out to Your Parents

Note: I originally wrote this for crunkish.com, a superduper fun website that features top 10 whatever things. If you wanna check it out, knock yourself out.

The most difficult part of being gay is coming out. We can’t deny the fact that homosexuals are still being looked down to no matter how good they have been all their lives. Every homosexual hiding in his/her closet is afraid of the horror, betrayal, disgust or ridicule that their loved ones could feel once they revealed their true sexuality. That’s why many choose to keep their true colors to themselves, away from excruciating scrutiny of the people around them.

On the other hand, many decide to stand up, assert their rights as individuals and face the world as their true selves — no insecurities, no pretensions, and no regrets. But coming out is really not the easiest thing to do. If you think telling your close friend that every single cell in your body longs for the same sex, imagine confessing to the people who brought you up and supported you since birth — your parents.

Yes, difficulty is doubled when it comes to family members especially to parents. It is for this reason that many choose to come out once they have moved out of their parents house to avoid conflict and confrontation. Others, however, opt to walk the brave path and strive to be loved for what they are right here, right now.

If you’re one of these people and you desperately need a good way to tell your parents you’re gay, here are nine suggestions that may want to consider.

WARNING: Some are stereotypical while others must NOT be taken seriously. And oh, I haven’t come out to my parents myself. There goes my credibility. Haha.

9. “I’m coming out!”

No, you won’t say that out of the blue while attending a church service. Choose a time when your family are having the time of their lives. For example, while you are having a little karaoke party, surprise them with this song. All you need is to sing that title line and let your melody speak for itself. This way, you do not just reveal your sexuality, you also had fun in the process.

…

8. “Dad, have you seen ‘Brokeback Mountain?’”

If music isn’t your thing, try movies. Films are an excellent instrument to come out. Invite your family to enjoy a movie marathon with you at home. The movies you should choose are those with “coming out” scenes. Every time this scene appears, make a provocative comment. If in the scene, the great revelation leads to a happy ending, say, “I wish it ends up that way with me.” Otherwise, mumble, “I hope that doesn’t happen to me.”

If that’s too much of a shocker for you, watch “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” instead. Of course, it’s not a gay film but it can be an good tool in performing your stint. Just when the characters in the movie are coming out of the closet, say something like, “It must feel good to come out of the closet.” Don’t forget to release a heavy, deep sigh after that statement.

Continue reading »

Top 10 Ways to Break Up

Note: I originally wrote this for crunkish.com, a superduper fun website that features top 10 whatever things. If you wanna check it out, knock yourself out.

People make mistakes. It’s part of human nature. Sometimes, we purchase something and realize that it is useless. We say words we never expected to come out of our mouths. We do things that we will eventually regret in the future. When it comes to choosing our partners, we make lots of mistakes, too.

Falling in love is one of the best things in life. It gives us a shot at happiness. It gives us a chance to grow. It gives us the feeling that we are not alone and that (illusion that) we will never be. It gives us the assurance that we are needed and loved. It gives value to our existence.

We know, of course, that not all good things last forever. Most of the time, it’s very difficult to admit that we chose the wrong person for us and that the relationship is going nowhere. Parting ways with someone you have been in love with or you thought you were so in love with can be much harder than starting a relationship.

Certain circumstances, however, leave us with no choice. Sometimes, we find ourselves being with the wrong person. Sometimes, we wake up only to realize that everything was a mistake. If this is the case, then you really have to cut your ties. Here are some ways of saying goodbye to the one you thought you could spend the rest of your life with.

10. “Every man changes. I’m a man.”

One study reveals that most men are afraid to break it off with their partners. Thus, since they can’t say it directly, they destroy the good and lovable image they made to turn their partners off. If you are one of these men, you may want to change voluntarily to drive your love away. Stop saying words that take her breath away. Stop showering. Stop making love with her. Stop being the man she loved, loves and would continue to love.

It doesn’t mean you have to turn bad. Well, basically, you really have to be bad but only for a time. Once the relationship is over, compose yourself again and find another woman. Yes, it’s not fair but is there anything fair in this world? That’s life. She has to live with it.

9. “If you can’t beat me at World of Warcraft, we can’t be together anymore.”

If you’re the playful and cunning type, then make her agree to a dare and have your relationship as a bet. That sound silly but hey, you’re desperate. You really have to get rid of him/her or you’d rather play online games all your life. Any game will do. Whether it’s basketball or hangman, make sure it is something that you’re really good at. After you win, say this: “You know I love you babe, but rules are rules.”

Continue reading »

How to Survive Falling in Love
Without Getting Hurt*

1. Draw the line first. Know where you stand and how far you could go.
2. Never expect. It’s bad for you.
3. Never assume. It’s bad for everyone.

Yun lang.

*a repost, original published on my old blog
**photo courtesy of dudymas.wordpress.com