How to Kill Cockroaches the Funny Way

My college friends and I used to have a barkada forum and a blog. We used to post there absolutely anything that we could think of. Simple things like our dreams. Crazy things like our own dictionary. And weird things like how we prefer to kill cockroaches when we see one.

image courtesy of www.lifehackery.com

One of my college friends called my attention to a certain blog post we posted back in the day. I’d actually forgotten about it already. But now that I’m reading it again, I just can’t help laughing. And I’m sharing it with you. However, I apologize to all my Pinoy readers as some parts are in Tagalog and I kept it that way. Translating it would just ruin it.

HOW TO TORTURE AN IPIS
by Pam Condeno

1. Pour Green Cross alcohol.

2. Get encyclopedia and drop it right on the target. Make sure it finds itself in a very AWKWARD situation where it will render itself confused, disturbed, and a bit in a vertigo state.

3. Make sure when it flies, you have an alcohol with you and swish it to make it pilay.

HOW TO KILL IPIS (especially with wings)
by KZ Ottara

1. Camouflage with the wall

2. Grab a slipper

3. ATTACK!!!

4. Step on the slipper to make piga

5. LEAVE OVERNIGHT FOR MORE FLAVOR!

HOW TO KILL COCKROACHES IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE HOUSE
by Reen Ladignon

1. Slam foot on ipis. (Said foot should be wearing a shoe or slipper.)

2. If ipis is on wall, take off shoe or slipper and make sapak the ipis.

3. If ipis is on kisame, get walis and swish at the ipis to make it fall down. Then proceed to number 1 or 2.

4. If Reen sees ipis while she is washing dishes outside their house, then she makes squirt-squirt it with dishwashing liquid and pours the dirty water on it. See them scatter. If ipis crawls near the hand, grab the nearest kawali and slap it on the ipis. Do nothing if it crawls down the drain.

5. If ipis is flying, grab a Baygon can and spray mercilessly towards the ipis. You will be momentarily disgusted at seeing the legs of the ipis in all their glory nearing toward you—but then you will soon have the satisfaction seeing the ipis make gewang-gewang as it falls to the ground.

All done while screaming like a headless chicken.

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Who Ate the Tiramisu?

I don’t think I’ll ever forget this story.

When we were in senior year, my college friends and I just loved staying at my friend Ayn’s place. The house is along Banawe St. in Quezon City and it was our favorite place to just chill-out, study, work on our group projects, shoot films, and just kill time. We always went there in a group.

image courtesy of Lis Parsons of www.dailymail.co.uk

Why that place? Because it’s so big with seven rooms, far from buzzkill neighbors, the design is ideal for parties, and the best of all, NO PARENTS. Ayn lives with only her sister, who is the type who asks you, “Hey, when is your next party here? I have some spare beer in the fridge.” That’s the kind of sister you wanna have.

Anyway, one time, Ayn was telling us the WHOLE DAY about the cake she had at home. Being someone who is allergic to anything (or anyone) sweet, Ayn offered, “Guys, we have tiramisu at home. You might want to come over and have some. It’s just me and the maid at home these days and we can’t possibly devour it all.”

As much as we’d love to make love with her tiramisu, her house was just too far from the university. It’s a nice place to party but you won’t really drive or commute all the way to that other end of the city just to have cake, when there’s a  bakeshop in Philcoa. Besides, it was thesis season. Everyone was a worker bee.

So no one really went over to Ayn’s place and touched that tiramisu. Poor cake.

A week passed and while all of us were killing time, thinking of something to do, somebody teased Ayn that maybe she had another tiramisu cake that she would love to share since we were not busy anymore.

“Funny you mentioned it,” Ayn said. “It was just so weird. A few days ago, I was gonna have tiramisu so I opened the ref but was shocked to find there was none of it left. So I asked Ate Tessie. I asked her where the cake was. She said that one of my friends ate it.”

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The People Around Us

SIR HUBERT

On the way to the Subterranean River Park, we were being briefed by our Tour Guide. He was telling us many interesting things about Palawan. One of us, itago na lang natin sa pangalang Sir Hubert, asked, “San magandang mamalengke dito sa Puerto Princesa?”

At sumagot si Tour Guide, “Sa palengke po.”

Tama nga naman.

KAT

One of my officemates was raving about the places they visited on the third day. Itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang Ma. Katrina Larida. “Grabe, ang ganda talaga sa Crocodile Farm! Andami-daming crocodiles!”

Ay friend, sana naman madaming crocodiles dun bilang crocodile farm sya.

REEN

Yoshke: Reen! Help! Gaaaah! I think I’m falling in love with an animé character!
Reen: Gagu! You’re asking the wrong person. I’m married to one!

REEN’S 2ND YEAR P.E. TEACHER

2nd year PE teacher: “Would you please pick up the pieces of DIRT!”
Reen: Ah eh ma’am medyo mahirap isa-isahin ang alikabok.

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Recycled Conversations II: College Moments

Some of the most bloggable conversations I had with my friends in our thesis days (2 years ago). Allow me to repost them. (And oh, ngayon lang yata ako magta-Tagalog sa blog ko nang bonggang bongga since I got my .com account.)

DOHNA

Nung Friday night, hindi dapat ako pupunta sa rehearsals nina Dohna and Glenn. Dumaan lang ako sa Aldaba Hall para sana magpaalam na manonood na lang ako ng Close To You, starring John Lloyd Cruz, Bea Alonzo and Sam Milby.

Sa labas pa lang, nakita ko na si Dohna. Sabi ko, “Hoy Dohna, may sasabihin ako sa’yo…”

Sabi naman ni Dohna na nagmamadali nung panahon na yun, “Akyat ka na, dun mo na lang sabihin sa loob. Bilis, marami pang gagawin.”

So sumama naman ako kay Dohna paakyat. Balak ko, dun ko na lang sasabihin na hindi na lang muna ako tutulong sa pagset-up at pagrehearse.

Pero, pero, pero pagpasok namin ng Aldaba Hall, isang superly duper cute na choreographer ang bumulaga saken. So ayun, pinakilala naman kami ni Dohna sa isa’t isa.

Tapos, tinanong ako ni Dohna, “O ano na ang sasabihin mo saken, bilis!”

Damn.

“Uhm, Dohna… ano pang kelangang gawin?”

Hahaha, punyetang kalandian ‘to. Nakalimutan ko bigla yung sine.

ICANG

Sa Baywalk habang naglalakad kasama ko sina Icang, Dohna and Chinggay, napasigaw ako: “Oh my God! ICE MONSTER!!!” Peborit ko kasi ang Ice Monster. Strawberry forever.

Sabi ni Dohna, “Shet, Ice Monster tayo!”

Nag-second the motion naman ako. “Honga! Tara! Ice Monster! Ice Monster!”

“Ay, malamig e. Anlamig-lamig na nga, malamig pa kakainin natin,” hirit ng KJ na si Chinggay.

Sabi ko naman, “Sige na nga. Hanap na lang tayo ng iba. Figaro na lang, para coffee tayo.”

So papunta na lang kami ng Figaro.

Biglang nagsalita si Icang, Excited na excited, “Guys, ayun o, may Ice Monster dun! Waaah! Ice Monster tayo!”

Uhm, Icang, where have you been?!? Kanina pa namin pinaguusapan, in fact, nagmove on na kami.

Minsan talaga, feeling ko, nakadrugs si Icang.

TEZ

Si Tez naman, minsan magulo kausap.

Yoshke: Tez, hanggang anong oras bukas ang shoot?
Tez: Oo.

Hala. Ewan ko sa’yo.

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Congrats, UP Pep Squad!

Yes, this is the part where I try to squeeze in some school pride. Hehehe.

UP Pep Squad grabs the 2008 Samsung UAAP Samsung Cheerdance Competition trophy. Happy, happy. “Matatapang… matatalino… walang takot kahit kanino…”

image courtesy of Teresa Barrozo

Witty Graffiti*

Status: Horny… and kidding
Music: With You - Chris Brown

I got this from a friend’s forwarded e-mail. This is a compilation of oh-so-witty graffiti that can be found all over the University of the Philippines-Diliman campus. It’s funny how these scribbles reflect the character of UP students in general.

Grabe, na-miss ko tuloy ang UP. Hahaaay. Enjoy.

PALMA HALL/AS:

AS chairs:

“push button to eject seatmate”
“push button to eject urself”
“push button to kill teacher.”

“push button to eject teacher”
….reply: “It’s jammed! We’re doomed!” Hahaha, nakita ko na ‘to.

AS chair :
“you know bobo? bobo is you!”

AS 1st floor CR:
“if you forget the past, then you porget the purious..”

AS 1st floor CR uli:
“Im a simple gay.”
tapos me sumagot
“sira! Dapat ‘Im simple and gay!’ Taga peyups ka ba? duh!”
tapos me sumagot ulit
“sira ka rin! yung simple is used as an adjective tapos yung gay is used as a noun. kaya ok lang yung simple gay nya!”

FINE ARTS WALL:
“nobody cares”
somebody answered:
“not even the carebears?”
then another:
“not even kier?”
then:
“not even zoren?”
lastly:
“not even zorro?”
all written by different people.

CHEMISTRY PAVILION:

Chem chair:
“push button to spray acid on prof’s face.”
Another chem chair:
“You Boron!!!”

BIOLOGY PAVILION:

Bio chair:
“Push cadaver to haunt teacher.”

FO Santos:
“SA MGA NAGTATAPON NG BASURA DITO… bawal.” akala ko, maninindak.

ENGINEERING BUILDING:

Sa Men’s CR, facing the urinal:
“Hawak ko saking mga kamay ang kinabukasan ng bayan!”
Reply:
“the future you are holding is very small.”

MATH BUILDING:

sa cr sa may math building:
“SUMAPI SA NPA! ”
may sumagot:
“PAANO? ”
may sumagot pa:
“MAGFILL UP NG COUPON AT IHULOG SA PINAKAMALAPIT NA DROP BOX SA SUKING TINDAHAN!”

sa likod ng isang “teacher’s chair” sa 3rd floor:
“BABALA: asawa ni babalu”

sa math 3rd floor, sa isang upuan uli.
“you’ll NEVER find what you’re looking for”
May nag-reply:
“find x.”

sa math 3rd floor, sa isa pang upuan uli.
nakasulat sa armchair:
“FUCK DA WORLD! ”
ta’s may sumagot:
“FUCK U TOO! –WORLD”

3rd floor math cr:
“kaibigan, pagkapatos mong umihi, paki PLUS mo naman, hehehe.”

COLLEGE OF MUSIC
sa loob ng music room.
“maam _______(music prof) boses palaka! ”
tas may sumagot
“nakarinig ka na ba ng boses ng palaka ”
tas may sumagot uli
“weh ”
tas may nag-react uli
“oo, sabi kokak! kokak!” <<<Potaena, reminds mo of Icang.

VINZONS HALL:

Wall ng vinzons
“Do not steal. The government hates competition” <<< Very true.

Men’s cr sa Vinzon’s:
“Remember: the hands that clean this toilet are the same hands that cook your food.”

men’s cr waaaay above the urinal:
“if you can reach this, the fire department wants you!”

NIGS (National Institute of Geological Sciences):
sa isang upuan:
“fuck nigs!”
may nagreply:
“who’s nigs?”

MAIN LIBRARY:
Sa isang lamesa ng main lib, filipiniana section:
“UP STUDENTS HAS BECOME PATETHIC”
tapos may sumagot…
“mali pang grammar at spelling mo, halatang di ka taga UP”

KALAYAAN RESIDENCE HALL:
“God is dead” – Nietzsche
Reply:
“Nietzsche is dead!” -God. <<< Hala, pati si Papa God, naki-join na.

SHOPPING CENTRE:
sa labas ng PNB:
“in case of emergency break ass and push butt”

AS WAITING SHED:
Ad from a Korean: “I need a English tutor.”
At may nagdagdag: “Badly.” <<< Waaaah. Galeng!

Uhm. Yun lang. Benta sila saken.

*this is a repost. originally posted on 27 November 2006
**image courtesy of tenth of nisan of flickr

Man, Am I Proud!

Status: In Euphoria
Music: What Goes Around – Justin Timberlake

“…What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around…”

I interrupt my regular blogging updates with a great, great news. The UP Pep Squad finally wins back the UAAP Samsung Cheerdance Competition championship. Just when I decided not to go to the Araneta Coliseum to see it live because not the slightest expectation that this would happen entered my mind. But come on, after an embarrassing men’s basketball record, my university turned out to be still full of surprises. So much for balance of nature. I love’t. Congratulations to the UP Pep Squad! At sa lahat ng mga iskolar ng bayan! Yebah. And for that, I shall get drunk tonight. After all, there’s a dinner party at home to celebrate the memory of my dad.

“…Matatapang, matatalino.
Walang takot, kahit kanino,
Hinding-hinde magpapahuli,
Ganyan kaming mga taga-UP!!!”
— UP Default Cheer

Yey. Finally.

pic courtesy of ubelt.com, will change it soon. hehe.

Define Embarrassing.

This is happiness. And this is stupid. Now, define “embarrassing.”

Oh my Alma Mater, why, oh why? But then again, ladies and gentlemen, we call this “balance of nature.” We can’t have everything, can we?

Oh of course we have everything. Like tuition fee increase and abducted student activists and frat-related violence and…

(Pucha, dinaan sa yabang ang kahihiyan. Okay lang yan Yoshke, hindi lang basketball ang meron sa UAAP.)

Names, Like Size, Matter

Status: Starving
Music: White Flag – Dido

My friends from the university and I were playing Charades and the theme was “movie titles.” When an opponent drew “Little Nicky,” we thought it was a giveaway. So when he started acting it out for his team, for the first word, he just levelled his palm at his hips and his team shouted “Little” right away. Hmmm. But “Nicky” was something less easy.

One of our team members was Monique, also known as Nikki. Monique is not the skinny type. She’s a bit, er… endomorphic. It didn’t come as a surprise to us when the player who was acting out pointed to Nikki for the second word. What we didn’t expect was when someone from his team shouted: “Pig? Little Pig?”

Mean. Mean. Mean.

# # #

One of our organisation’s applicants is this Japanese exchange student, Kazu. Kazu has been staying here in the Philippines since March. He takes up Philippine Studies. And we were surprised to find out that he was more fluent in Tagalog (our native language) than English. It was amazing, really. So one day, my friends and I had a small talk with Kazu.

Us: So Kazu, how do you find the Philippines?
Kazu: Mainit. (Hot)
Us: Oooh. Anything else?
Kazu: Madaming bakla. (Gay men are all around.)
Us: (laughing our guts out) Why? In Japan, are there no gay people?
Kazu: Meron din. Pero hindi kasing-ingay. (There are. But not as noisy.)
Us: Oh, it’s just here in this building. It’s just that we’re in the Mass Communication building so everyone just love… talking… out loud. Anything else?
Kazu: Maraming gwapo. (Many goodlooking men.)
Us: Oooh. How about the women? What can you say about the Filipinas?
Kazu: Malaki suso. (They have huge breasts.)

Monique, who was with us, pretended to walk out. She claimed it hit home. As we looked around, we realised how Kazu had that impression. Yeah, with Monique, Maj, Sanya, and Bunggay around, we couldn’t really blame Kazu for making that pretty accurate observation.

# # #

Nina posted something like this on her blog last week, and I guess it’s my turn to explain a few things about my names. Yep, names. Plural. A’right. My real name is Edison. So why Yoshke? Yoshke is more like my pen and online name. I got the name from a Japanese animation “Wedding Peach.” Yoshke was one of the male characters; he was the heroine’s love interest. I liked his character in the series, so I chose that name. But of course, more than anything, I just really wanted to mock a Jewish friend. “Yoshke” is what Jews call Jesus Christ.

When I’m at Starbucks, my name changes to Edward. Why Edward? When ordering coffee, they ask for your name, right? I used to give them my real name Edison, but the conversation always went like this:

Barrista: May I have your name, sir?
Yoshke: Edison.
Barrista: I’m sorry. Erickson?
Yoshke: Edison.
Barrista: Oh. Okay, Jason.
Yoshke: Nah. Just write Ed.
Barrista: Right. Ted.

I still don’t know if there was something wrong with the way I speak, or they all have hearing problems, or it’s just that here in this country Edison, although famous, is not a popular name. So I think it’s wise to just use Edward to save time and spit.

Most people call me E.S., my nickname. Why ES? I don’t know, either. But whenever someone asks me, I just tell them that because Edison means Edward’s Son in Old English. But that’s not really why I’m called ES. Rumour has it that E.S. means Erwin-Siony. Siony is my mum. And Erwin… is NOT my dad. My dad’s name is Benito. So who is this Erwin? He’s the man my mum had an affair with. (Yeah, I know, don’t mention it.) But I don’t buy that idea, and will not. I have my father’s nose, and I look like my cousins on my dad’s side. DNA testing is not necessary. I am a Dimen.

Dimen is my family name. It is of Hungarian/Romanian origin. Here in a country where family names are either Spanish or Filipino, having a “weird” family name is a curse especially for a kid. My playmates called me “demon” when angry. They would draw a picture of a devil and post it on the board and write my name on it. They would also tease me “di men.” In Tagalog, “di” means “not,” hence saying I was not man enough. And it was a big deal because as a kid, I was sickly and weak.

I got over it learning that having an unusual family name actually worked for me, and was something I could use to my advantage. My teachers would notice and remember me so easily upon seeing the class list. I thought it was nice. But although “Dimen” is a Hungarian/Romanian name, I don’t think we actually have East European blood. Or if we did, then there’s actually very little of it left in the family. My aunt, however, told me that one of my great grandparents was German. It makes sense. There are many Dimens in Germany. Whatever. But I think it’s cool. I looove the German National Football (Soccer) Team. Hahahaha.

The Art of Sabotage

“Sabotage. Everyone is capable of it. But some go about it more ruthlessly than others… like the ones who crave vengeance… or the ones who hunger for love… or the ones who are determined to burn bridges. And then there are those who simply want something… Something that belongs to someone else.”
                                 — Mary Alice Young, Desperate Housewives

What a nice way to begin this blog entry. Hmmm. Anyway, whatever it is that I feel right now, Prech felt it first, although we’re talking about two different bananas. So let me just quote her:

“Yum! Don’t we all just love to gloat when we know we are soooo right in the first place and it’s too late for people to realize the truth and we wanna say ‘I told you so’ to smack them in the face?” 

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