Yoshke is Evil | The Beef-Forcing Cashier
This is a part of the Yoshke is Evil series, in which I will narrate incidents where I thought I was inconsiderate, hateful or evil. This incident happened two years ago and I still can’t get this out of my head.
Midnight. I had been studying for hours with a friend at Gloria Jean’s Café in Tomas Morato when I felt hungry so we decided to move to a Chinese fast food restaurant across the street for a few minutes. I was smilingly greeted by a female cashier who was ready to take my order. There was something weird about her smile, I could tell. It was like she was tired or unhappy.
Yoshke: Pork Chao Fan with pork siomai, pork tofu, and large pineapple juice. Dine in.
Cashier: OK sir, that’s pork chao fan with pork siomai, pork tofu, and pineapple juice large for dine in.
Yoshke: Yep!
Cashier: Sir, just to confirm, it’s pork siomai, right?
Yoshke: Yes, pork. Right.
So she started pressing away and then she fetched my order. I looked at my siomai and found them darker than usual.
Yoshke: Miss, I think this is beef siomai. I wanted my siomai pork.
Cashier: Oh, sorry sir. Yeah, you said pork siomai, sorry.
And then she just stood there for several seconds, perhaps thinking of what to do next. She then turned to me and asked:
Cashier: Sir, wouldn’t you like beef siomai, instead? I already punched it by mistake…
Yoshke: No, I want pork siomai.
Cashier: Sir, please. They taste exactly the same, anyway.
Yoshke: Miss, I don’t eat beef siomai. I don’t eat beef at all. I wish I did so you wouldn’t need to have my order voided but I really don’t eat beef. Since childhood.
Cashier: Sir, perhaps your friend is going to order beef siomai.
So I asked my friend. She had no interest in my beef siomai because she was on a vegetarian diet that night and she would just order black gulaman.
ProActiv Solution Review: It Works For Me!
Two months ago, I posted an entry about me just about to try the ProActiv Solution that my colleague had given me. Let’s look back at my situation last May.
The Problem. My nasty skin. Pimples seem to run in the family as my dad had this problem, too, when he was alive. My skin seemed to produce more oil than Saudi Arabia. My pimples looked like they were aiming for the Swarm badge on Foursquare — the venue, my face. I’ve tried everything. With the help of a dermatologist, it subsided a little but proved to be more than I can afford. I was also taking isotane (an oral medication) but I had to give up alcohol to avoid the side effects.
The Challenge. For two months, I’d use ProActiv Solution. Within this period, I won’t visit my dermatologist and refuse any treatment. I’d also stop taking Isotane and quit using the other products I had been using. For two months, it would just be me, ProActiv and my proactive pimples.
And now, the result.
Does ProActiv Solution Really Work?
My skin isn’t flawless.
Well, that’s the best sugarcoating that I can come up with to describe my skin. I have the nastiest skin in the universe. It pumps more oil than any country in the Middle East. It is as persistent as Richard Gomez shoving himself into politics. It is my one and only source of insecurities. God, I hate it. Especially during summer. In cold weather it’s tamed but it goes on a breakout spree when the sun is hotter than my hubby. (Wow, that rhymed.)
Seriously, it is just nasty. In fact, I visit a dermatologist regularly and take isotretinoin (oral meds) every day but it only makes my skin less nasty. Quite but not quite. And mind you, both are pricey!
They blame genetics for my skin but hey, I blamed my dad enough already for so many things so I won’t pin this on him, too. I mean, come on, he’s dead. Rest in peace. I just wish I could say the same for my pimples.
There’s still one hope, though. One of my colleagues approached me and handed me a ProActiv Solution 30-day trial kit.
Oh yeah, if you’re one of those people who watch home TV shopping when your variety shows fail you, this surely rings a bell. I’ve always seen this on TV but I have seen the TV ad as many times as I ignored them. But maybe I should give it a try. Hell, with this skin, there really isn’t much to lose. LOL.
This is the Part Where I Publish Some of Your Letters
I’ve been very unhappy lately. (But don’t worry Shy Guy fans, it’s not lovelife-related, hehe. That aspect of my life is perfect.)
One of the reasons is that my sister was diagnosed with a certain growth in her liver. I’m reminded of the time my dad experienced the same thing until his liver finally took a toll on him. And then, I’m facing a bunch of other problems.
I don’t know. It’s that part of the year again when everything seems to be not going the way I want ‘em to. And whenever I feel down, there’s only one thing that keeps me high — my blog.
I was cleaning up my yoshke.com@gmail.com account, deleting spams and grouping emails together (it’s the obsessive-compulsive in me again), when I found a few emails that really blew all the negative vibes off of me.
You know, when I was just starting out here in the blogosphere five years ago, I never really expected this blog to last this long. I just wanted something on which I would write my heart out — an honest online version of my handwritten journal where I could post what I feel, what I think about, how I live. So receiving emails and Facebook messages from my readers still feel surreal for me.
So since I feel sad right now, allow me to post something self-aggrandizing as I need to reboot my self-esteem.
Here are some mails I have received the past months. (Names changed, though.)
Hey yoshke! I read your blog earlier. I find it good, really. I actually find it great. I’m sending you this mail for no reason all, i just think you need to be commended for your writings. Well, I still cant help but hope that this email is still active. – Eli
Yoshke: That email is still active Eli! And thank you for your kind words.
Hey Yoshke, I’m your biggest half German half English fan … I hope … anyway … I love your blog . It makes me smile
Anyway … Greetings from here in rainy england XD – Henny
Yoshke: Eeeeeeh. I love Germany, I love England. Therefore, I love you so much. Haha.
Hi Yoshke, I’ve been reading your blog. Nice posts. Interesting. Keep writing. I’m your fan now. I always find pleasure checking your blog. hehehe. – JL
Yoshke: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
These emails are from readers in an Islamic country.
Hi Yoshke…
How are you? Let me introduce my self, my name is Bob. I learned about you from your website. Actually, I accidentally saw your website, it’s just because you posted a picture of that hot male model Oli Pettigrew there, and you said sort of what do you think about this boy ? Then I said to my self, yeah, he so gorgeous…, something make me wondering that, “Yoshke is a boy. Why did he put this on his website?”
I really want to be your friend and if you want it too, because i guess you must be a very great person and have a lot bravery to tell the world that you are gay. I have a lot of friends but i always avoid meeting and hang out with my friends because i worry if they find out my secret.
Yoshke: I can be your friend despite the distance between us. Your situation is sad. I can post gay stuff on my blog because homosexuality in my country is pretty accepted. I do hope you find happiness soon.
Oh my gosh Yoshke, you’re an amazing person from my P.O.V,
I really want to follow your foot steps. I visit your site and i’m so excited when I’m reading your blog. Keep it up!I hope you’d become my inspiration because i dont have someone i could copy, people around me are all straight and they always demand that I act like one. It’s irritating.
I’m hoping that you would give one or two tips for those gay men who visit your site, and write something that could change how straight people think so they would know how it feels to be different. Thanks. – Buck
Yoshke: That’s a good idea for a blog post. Will surely be writing about it. Thanks for the suggestion.
This is My Birthday Post
Me with my cousins. Second pic: Yep, that’s me, leftmost. Gawd, I’ve just noticed that I was holding a green sausage-shaped balloon. Was that a sign? A foreshadowing? Haha.
Exactly a year ago, Shy Guy took me to Tagaytay. There was dinner by the cliff, a lot of long conversations. a lot of romantic walks, and more. The night before that, my friends threw a marshmallow party for me.
Two years ago, my family had a little dinner party. We invited some relatives and friends and had some fun. But that’s about it. Nothing really special.
Four years ago, I was so sick. But I was able to travel from Batangas to Manila, and meet some of my friends at the university. I planned to watch Pride and Prejudice with Josh, but I backed out the last minute because my body couldn’t withstand my aching joints and terrible fever. When I felt a little better hours later, I decided to just push through with the movie thing but because Josh couldn’t make it that night, Andre joined me instead. We spent the rest of the night at Figaro.
Five years ago, Josh gave me a Kitchie Nadal album, and we had lunch at Oz Cafe — my treat. We stayed there longer than we intended to. That night, I had dinner with Ayn. I can’t remember where, but I know I gave her a treat.
Eight years ago, I saw a movie in a theatre in Lemery with my girlfriend back then, Michi, and some of my friends. Again, I can’t remember what movie we watched that day. But I know I was really, really happy. (It was Pearl Harbor pala.)
Fourteen years ago, my mum threw a very lavish party for me at our place in Batangas. Most of my classmates and teachers were present. It was one of the most expensive parties my mum had ever thrown.
Twenty-four years ago, a midwife was pulling me out of my mother’s womb as my Daddy watched. It was a very bloody day.
Yep! Today I turned 24! Happy Birthday to ME!
My Top 10 Favorite Yoshke.com Blog Posts
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my 500th post! And to celebrate, allow me to be vain for a moment and feature my 10 favorite entries on this blog.
I’ve been blogging for over five years. I was so passionate about my first blog but a year later as I was backreading, it dawned on me that I was full of crap and so was my blog. All I posted was my immature ramblings so I decided to just kill the blog.
A few months later, I started another blog on Blogdrive. Although I couldn’t say it wasn’t immature, it was a teeny bit more sensible. The next year, I moved to WordPress and purchased yoshke.com domain name. That’s when I took blogging seriously.
This blog is called The Mind, Times, and Life of Yoshke Dimen because I want this to reflect my handwritten journal, which i still keep. (My handwritten journal has more detailed, more scandalous, more personal entries. LOL. I’d be dead if somebody stole it.) So why the title?
“Mind” because this blog documents what’s on my mind, what I think about. I write about what’s going on in my head from my European cable provider to Pinoy Big Brother to Oli Pettigrew to traveling the world to lawn tennis.
“Times” because decades from now, when I look back to this era, this blog should reflect the environment I am in and what’s going on in the world. I’d love to revisit the blockbuster movies of this time, the hit TV shows, the political climate, and even global warming.
“Life” because this is still my personal blog and it should chronicle what I do and feel and how I live my life. That when I became famous, there’s a convenient resource for researchers and biographers to poke into my past. Haha. Kidding.
Enough intro, here are the upper 2% of Yoshke.com posts that I really enjoyed writing.
I never take writing movie reviews seriously. Being a Film graduate and having directed and written a few films, I thought writing movie reviews would make my life too film-saturated. Thus, I only write random thoughts about the flicks I see. Compiling my top 50 most well-loved movies of all time was an enjoyable ride. It was a great experience looking back and ranking all the films I have seen and picking the 50 that I’d watch over and over again.
Another movie entry I had a damn good time writing was a rundown of all the Batman movies. This post is special because I’m a huge Batman fan and to prepare for this entry, I had to see all Batman films again — from Tim Burton to Christopher Nolan, from Michael Keaton to Christian Bale, from Joker to Poison Ivy back to Joker.
Some of the movies I enjoyed writing a short review of include Doubt (2008), the Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008), and The Reader (2008).
This post gave this blog its first traffic boost. I used to not care about traffic; I just wanted to write, just write. But this post made me realize it actually felt good that something I write get to be read by people around the globe and it’s nice to interact with those who comment.
This list was originally published in December 2006 but I gave it a makeover and reposted it in April 2008.
Other lists I had a great time writing are the most awful things to say during sex, the top ways to break-up with your partner, the places to find your true love. More lists here.
Yoshke, The Dreamer
One of the first books I received was a children’s bible. It was small, red, and a little too thin for a bible.
Of course, as a kid the first thing I did upon receiving it was scan it and see the pictures. On every page was an image and a short story. My uber-Catholic parents and siblings used to read me biblical stories to sleep. (Oh yes, I grew up in a so very Catholic environment and look how I turned out, haha, agnostic, gay and reckless). Thus, I recognized some of those stories instantly — Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah, Abraham, Jacob — so I didn’t bother reading them.
What caught my attention was the story after Jacob’s. There was a picture of a kid being pulled up a well, and in the background were several men and a caravan. I read it and fell in love with it right away. It was the first story I read on my own. The story — Joseph, the Dreamer.
I admire Joseph. I’m in love with him. He is kind. He is vengeful. He is human. And in my head, he’s hot.
Also, “dreams” fascinate me the way porn does. Not that I like porn. Yeah, I do, who doesn’t? But I meant, how it fascinates other people. Yeah, dreams fascinate me the way porn fascinates other people. Haha. Nagmalinis daw.
Anyway, I’ve been dreaming a lot recently. And I sorta remember those dreams even up to now. So I’m reminded of Joseph once again. But unlike Joseph, I’m not really good at interpreting dreams. Anyone here who’d like to play Joseph and try to figure out what my dreams mean?
If you’re right, I’ll give you.. err… nothing. If you’re right, good for you. 
Here are the dreams:
MUTE USHERS AND A BROKEN CELLPHONE
There was a blogger event at Star Mall parking lot. I’m assuming it was Star Mall because I could see an overpass leading to SM Megamall from where I was seated. One of the ushers was a college friend. For this narrative’s sake, let’s call him Joseph. Well, so Joseph was an usher but ushers were not allowed to talk. He was wearing this weird usher uniform which resembled a London guard. He approached me and he said that I won a cellphone. I was confused because I didn’t even join any contest or raffle. Without talking, he was able to let me know that he was not allowed to talk any more. So he walked me to the overpass. Once there, the organizers gave me a high-end phone but it had a girl-ish decoration, something like flower stickers. Worse, it didn’t have a battery. I asked why the phone was like that but no one would talk. So I left and sat again. And then, I woke up.
The Jologs Factor
I remember this one time I was having a few rounds of beer with my friends Jon and Marck somewhere in Metrowalk when the conversation suddenly made a sharp curve onto “Jologs Avenue.” I was shocked but delighted to learn that they had a jologs side, too. And it made me wonder if my friend Icang was right when she said, “we all have the Jologs factor.”
I am a hodgepodge.
My personality is a mixture of a wide variety of traits and tastes. For example, my taste in music. I appreciate pretty much anything. As in anything. One time, you see me listening to Vanessa Mae; the next minute I’m humming Kylie Minogie’s Locomotion or Nelly Furtado’s Say It Right. Give it an hour, I’m belting out a Basil Valdez ballad or an Aegis classic. Haha.
When it comes to food, I enjoy gourmet food. But if you drag me to the nearest fishball stall, I’ll gorge on street foods nang walang patumangga.
My interests range from a bit highbrow to downright jologs! And I’m proud of it. Haha. And I admire those people who are not ashamed to free their jologs alter-ego every once in a while.
- One of my friends, Aila, may be one of the most conio-looking Atenean in the world. She has this conio aura. But heck, she used to watch “Ang Pangarap Kong Jackpot.”
- Another buddy, Marck, translates English songs to Tagalog (and vice versa) whenever he’s bored, which is like every day of his life.
- Robin just can’t get over the glory days of the Juday-Wowie loveteam!
- RJ will introduce your jaws to the floor once he enumerates his crushes — Jean Saburit, Jennifer Mendoza, Shirley Fuentes, Bunny Paras, Tina Paner!
And me, well, I have more than my share. It’s innate. In fact, everything I touch magically becomes jolog-ish. Haha. Here are some of my J-Facts (jologs factors).
How My Friends See Me II:
“Mastering” Vanilla Sex?
What’s wrong with my friends?
They’ve been so very imaginative lately; they’re accusing me of things. Things that are, well, pretty amusing. Very recently, they, albeit separately, came up with an interesting theory. More like a guess, actually.
ROBIN
While malling. A few months ago.
Robin: I kinda miss the “bossy” you.
Yoshke: Hey, I was never bossy.
Robin: You were. You are. It’s just today that you seem to be not that.
Yoshke: Must be the weather.
Robin: What about the weather?
Yoshke: Humid. Makes me feel sleepy.
Robin: I bet you’re also bossy in bed.
Yoshke: OMG. If I didn’t know you better, I’d think you were hitting on me.
Robin: Ass. It was a neutral question! I just wanna know if you boss your partner around…
Yoshke: Hmmm. So you really wanna know? Haha.
Robin: That’s not what I meant, Dimen.
Yoshke: Then, you’ll never know.
Robin: But really, something tells me you’re into S&M (sadomasochism, sadism and masochism, slave and master).
Yoshke: (bonggang bonggang LOL)
Robin: So, are you?
Yoshke: You’ll never know.
JT
After watching the hilarious 3D animation “Igor” (starring my fave John Cusack)
You see, most hunchbacked assistants to evil scientists in many celebrated literary and film works (Dracula, Frankenstein, etc) are named Igor.
The movie Igor is sooo entertaining that even after seeing it, JT, Klara, Dohna, Chino and I couldn’t shake it off. When I was finally home, I texted JT.
Yoshke: Igor, you home na?
JT: Yes, master. I’ll pull the switch.
Yoshke: Ah JT, stop impersonating Igor. It’s turning me on. JOKE LANG.
JT: Really? Joke daw.
Yoshke: Haha. Bahala ka. You really think I’m into S&M?
JT: Pwede. So what role do you play?
Yoshke: I won’t answer that question.
JT: You don’t have to. I think I know, Mr. Power.
Yoshke: Hahaha. I won’t confirm or deny anything.
Hahada Laang: Batangan Tagalog
Status: My room aircon is busted. Waaah. Ang init.
Music: Best Days – Graham Colton
 |
“Hahada laang.”
This was what I told my new housemates in UP Diliman when they asked me where I was going. They laughed their guts out. I didn’t know why. But I laughed with them. Pretended I was getting the joke I didn’t even realise I cracked.
I added, “Bakit? Gusto nyo sumama?”
And they laughed even harder. Way harder. I was a college freshman. And I was straight then. This was why I made a sort of “joker” impression on my housemates even though most of the time, I was as serious as hell. And the only humour I knew was sarcastic.
“Hada” in Batangas, or at least in Lemery, means “to take a walk.” Hihikap. Gagala. Maglalakad-lakad. It took me almost two years to finally figure out that “hada,” in gay lingo, actually means to go out and look for potential sexcapades. I didn’t know.
When I tell people I’m a Batangueno, they are usually shocked. Their first reaction is always to ask me “How come you don’t have the accent?” I never had that accent. I can fake it but I never had it. We don’t have it in the family. But fellow Batanguenos and even those who hailed from other Southern Tagalog provinces easily trace my Batangan roots when I start talking. I may not have the accent, but my diction — ah, my diction — is as Batangan as it can get.
On May 31, 1985, tragedy struck when 41 tornadoes hit Canada and the US, leaving 76 people dead. At the same time, a doomed couple in the Philippines were having the best orgasms of their lives. Nine months (280 days) later, a healthy baby boy was brought into this world by normal delivery. That was exactly a week before Microsoft had its initial public offering.
Today, Yoshke Dimen resides independently in Mandaluyong City. He got a degree in Film from an overrated university in Diliman but is now pursuing a career in Social Media.
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