How to Kill Cockroaches the Funny Way

My college friends and I used to have a barkada forum and a blog. We used to post there absolutely anything that we could think of. Simple things like our dreams. Crazy things like our own dictionary. And weird things like how we prefer to kill cockroaches when we see one.

image courtesy of www.lifehackery.com

One of my college friends called my attention to a certain blog post we posted back in the day. I’d actually forgotten about it already. But now that I’m reading it again, I just can’t help laughing. And I’m sharing it with you. However, I apologize to all my Pinoy readers as some parts are in Tagalog and I kept it that way. Translating it would just ruin it.

HOW TO TORTURE AN IPIS
by Pam Condeno

1. Pour Green Cross alcohol.

2. Get encyclopedia and drop it right on the target. Make sure it finds itself in a very AWKWARD situation where it will render itself confused, disturbed, and a bit in a vertigo state.

3. Make sure when it flies, you have an alcohol with you and swish it to make it pilay.

HOW TO KILL IPIS (especially with wings)
by KZ Ottara

1. Camouflage with the wall

2. Grab a slipper

3. ATTACK!!!

4. Step on the slipper to make piga

5. LEAVE OVERNIGHT FOR MORE FLAVOR!

HOW TO KILL COCKROACHES IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE HOUSE
by Reen Ladignon

1. Slam foot on ipis. (Said foot should be wearing a shoe or slipper.)

2. If ipis is on wall, take off shoe or slipper and make sapak the ipis.

3. If ipis is on kisame, get walis and swish at the ipis to make it fall down. Then proceed to number 1 or 2.

4. If Reen sees ipis while she is washing dishes outside their house, then she makes squirt-squirt it with dishwashing liquid and pours the dirty water on it. See them scatter. If ipis crawls near the hand, grab the nearest kawali and slap it on the ipis. Do nothing if it crawls down the drain.

5. If ipis is flying, grab a Baygon can and spray mercilessly towards the ipis. You will be momentarily disgusted at seeing the legs of the ipis in all their glory nearing toward you—but then you will soon have the satisfaction seeing the ipis make gewang-gewang as it falls to the ground.

All done while screaming like a headless chicken.

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Top 10 Funniest Facebook Fan Pages | Batch 1

The advent of Facebook gave the other social networking sites a run for their money. Facebook is just so awesome. I’ve been on Facebook since 2007 and I liked the idea that it does not allow users to personalize the design of the interface. That’s why I left Myspace and Friendster, my friends’ profiles starting to get all messed up that it annoyed me to death.

But because Facebook does not enable users to personalize their user profile interface, I thought it would hinder its population’s creativity. But Facebook fan pages provide just that — an avenue through which users can express their imagination, wit and humor.

So here we go, here are the top 10 funniest fan pages on Facebook that I found.

10. Pandas are the least racist animal. They’re black, white AND asian!

1,587,570 people like this

I love pandas! But I never really thought about the idea of it being black and white and Asian until this fan page! LOL. Sadly, Facebook  took away the creator’s publishing rights! Bad, bad! So now it’s a fan page with virtually no engagement. Would’ve been awesome.

9. I dont care about your farm, or your fish, or your park, or your mafia!!!

6,015,966 people like this

“We also DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR CAFE, ZOO, OR YOUR SORORITY! Wait, WHAT?!?!?!?! PETVILL?!?!?!?! ENOUGH OF THE FLIPPIN VILLS IN GENERAL,” adds the creator of the fan page.

True, it gets annoying sometimes. But as a social media specialist, I understand why Farmville, Yoville, Mafia Wars and whatever encourage people to post their updates, progress and screenshots on their wall. Obviously, they’re going for virality. But I won’t blame other people who gets irked.

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The Writings on the Wall | Funny Posters around the Philippines

Sometimes when we feel so alone and sad, all we need to do is look around us. Many times, the things that will make us happy and forget all our problems for a moment are just around the corner, written or posted on a wall somewhere.

I was organizing my gallery when I stumbled upon some old photos that really made me ROTL. I took these pictures at different places across the country and  with the intention of blogging about them but they kind of slipped my mind. Good thing I love organizing files in my laptop.

PLEASE BEAR WITH US LITERALLY

First up, there’s a building being constructed near Shangri-La’s Chi spa in Mandaluyong. My friends and I were passing by on the way to El Pueblo when we noticed this very cute advisory. Loveth.

TOUCH ME NOT

The next picture was taken at a souvenir shop in Vigan.

In case you can’t read what’s written in the picture, it says, “H’wag hawakan, LUMALAKI.” (Do not touch. Grows bigger when touched.)

Nice. Because of that, I bought one. Kidding.

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Globe Subscribers, Are You Ready for 4438?

As a proud Globe subscriber myself, I have been really restless since this poster was published on Globe Telecom’s fan page on Facebook. Such a curious thing indeed. The big reveal is on April 4 through a text message from 4438.

I wonder what this 4438 mystery is. The only clue is that “25 milyong Globe, Globe Tattoo, and TM subscribers ang sasaya.” That said, my curiosity just turned into excitement. Can’t wait.

Any idea (or wild guess) on what this 4438 thing could be?

Top 10 Simple Ways to Make a Relationship Last

image courtesy of Wired.com

Impress him. Surprise him. Cheat not. Hit not. In simpler terms, these are the most important pieces of advice on keeping a relationship. But sometimes, no matter how strictly you follow these commandments, relationships still die. Some of natural death. Why? Because we tend to overlook simpler but not any less significant things we have to remember when we are the other half of a couple.

10. When you make mistakes, say sorry.

Your heart should be bigger than your ego. Pride will get your relationship nowhere. When you suddenly threw tantrums in the middle of your seventh monthsary dinner (ulimately ruining the night), say sorry. It’s your fault, take the blame. It’s simple, really: When you make a mistake, apologize.

9. When your partner makes mistakes, say sorry.

Shit happens. Everybody makes mistakes. Your partner is not an exception. When your partner does and he or she apologizes, don’t pin all the blame on him/her. Analyze the situation. I mean, REALLY analyze it and you’ll find you have shortcomings, too. Example:

He’s late. It’s his fault, yes. But did you remind him?
He called you a bitch. It’s his fault, yes. But are you really not?
He’s out with friends yet again. It’s not really a fault but let’s say it is. Was it clear you didn’t want him to go out with friends four times a week?

Point is, it wouldn’t hurt to get your share of the blame sometimes. After all,  you’re partners.

8. Don’t self-pity.

If you think you’re so ugly or so stupid or so whatever and you think you’re not good at anything, stop it. Self-pitying will only make you feel bad. And if you feel bad about yourself, imagine how it makes your partner feel. Has it ever occurred to you that the more you tarnish your confidence, the worse your partner is hurt?

Think about this: He loves you. If you think you’re worthless, you are insulting your partner in a way.

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Boyce Avenue Returns to Manila for MusicFest, Also Featuring Kris Allen and Jabbawockeez

One morning in September 2007, I was in the office when boredom got the better of me. And like many bored members of the working class, I logged onto YouTube and looked for the music video of Rihanna’s Umbrella. The search made me stumble upon a band’s acoustic cover of the song. I was blown away. I even loved it better than the original. The band was composed by three brothers — Daniel, Fabian, and Alejandro Manzano. The band’s name was Boyce Avenue.

I became a fan instantaneously. That particularly video had only around 40 views. None of my friends knew them. Somehow I was glad. I thought, “This budding group is going to be my little secret.” I anticipated more “cover videos.” And they never failed to amaze me each time they post a new one. YouTube became my little world and Boyce Avenue was the only thing in it.

It was only a matter of time when those 60 views became hundreds, then thousands, then millions. They became an internet phenomenon with over 75 million total views on YouTube, 143,000 subscribers, and ranked as one of the top musician channels of all-time on YouTube. My little secret became the world’s. My little secret became everything but. And for these men, I’m more than happy.

I blogged about them and their first time in Manila (a mall tour). And now, I’m glad I’m blogging about them again because they’re returning to the Philippines for a major concert. And he’s not alone.

Jabbawockeez arrived in Manila last week and I’m delighted to hear they will be a regular on ASAP XV for a month. I’m not really a dance fan but it doesn’t take a dance diploma to know that they ARE great. Especially after the technical boo-boo on ASAP last Sunday. They were just the most creative-slash-professional group ever. They’re amazing.

Kris Allen will be performing at MusicFest, too. Allow me to die for a moment. (OK, I just died there.) I remember last year when every one of my friends was rooting for that Adam Lambert guy, I think I was the only one in my circle that was jumping out of my seat. Doesn’t matter, though. He’s won. He’s here. And I’m going to see him.

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I Tweet! Follow Me.

Before anything else, I’d like to thank Kevin, Vins, The Lady in Green Ruffles, Noah, and Jake for being the top commenters on this blog for 2009. Dahil dyan, may nagtext!

“Uy, ilibre mo naman kami one of these days bilang top commenters.”

Ay, DELETE! Sorry, blame my reflex. Wahaha!

…

So now let’s proceed to the real topic of this post — Twitter. I looooove Twitter so much better than Plurk. Plurk has its strengths but they don’t work for me. I have a Plurk account (Add me! Add me!) but its horizontal orientation drives me nuts.

Some say that the problem with Twitter is that it’s too simple. But I guess that’s exactly what made me a certified tweep — it’s simplicity. 140 characters. Linear. Simple. And not to mention it’s so flexible in terms of third-party applications.

Anyway, like always, when I’m running out of things to blog about, I just post my status messages here on my blog. So here are the things that ran through my head and kept me busy the past several days.

1. Minsan pag nalulungkot ako, nanonood ako ng GMA7. Gumagaan kasi ang loob ko pag nakikitang may mas pangit pa pala sa buhay ko. -Gege, 2009 | about 1 hour ago
2. Ampanget ng boyfriend ng ex-girlfriend ko. | about 13 hours ago
3. has just finished watching THE HURT LOCKER and THE BLIND SIDE. The former is so powerful, the latter so Hollywood. | about 14 hours ago
4. Dear Dick Gordon, I like you but the Silent Night jingle for your political ad is soooo last year. It’s 2010. Christmas is over. Move on. | 7:07 AM Jan 16th
5. Mamatay na ang mga sumisingit sa pila! | 1:19 AM Jan 16th
6. Tigilan ako ng Johann-Cathy-Hermes sh*t. Kaka-dinner ko lang. Ayoko masuka. #PBB |  6:34 AM Jan 15th
7. Ang ganda ng smile ni Carla Abellana. I hope she quits acting and stick to what seems like the only thing she’s good at — smiling. | 6:05 AM Jan 14th
8. RT @djmotwister: This just texted to me,gave me a bit of a laugh.Villar: Sipag at Tiyaga, Gibo: Galing at Talino, Noynoy: Mama at Papa. | 6:35 AM Jan 12th
9. DAVID GUETTA music before going to sleep para upbeat ang gising. Wut? | 9:32 AM Jan 11th
10. OMG. Suspended daw ang SHOWTIME ng 20 days??!? Dahil dyan, MAY NAGTEXT! Sabi, “Wahaha,” -Wilma Galvante. | 4:51 AM Jan 11th
11. loved Sarah Geronimo’s performance of TRY SLEEPING WITH A BROKEN HEART on ASAP. | 12:38 AM Jan 10th
12. Andre: Kaya pala maitim si Binay, kasi nasunugan sila nung bata siya. LOL! | 4:51 AM Jan 9th
13. is craving for isaw from UP. But i don’t live in QC anymore. Too bad. | 1:06 AM Jan 9th
14. Someone tried to insult me on my blog by slandering Muhammad. He thinks I’m a Muslim. When insulting me, insult me right. http://ow.ly/U91V | 2:33 AM Jan 8th
15. Friday always brings this wonderful feeling of hope, relief. Friday is like the light at the end of the tunnel! Haha. | 2:20 AM Jan 8th
16. My hubby is so cute, I don’t know what good I did to deserve him. Haha. | 5:02 AM Jan 7th
17. It’s been 2 months since my Ilocos trip but i still have a pack of Vigan longanisa in my fridge. | 2:07 AM Jan 7th
18. has the biggest pimple in the history of mankind. | 12:33 AM Jan 7th
19. My tummy is bigger than my ego. And I’m telling you, my ego IS big. | 7:15 PM Jan 5th
20. My nephew is beside me sleeping like a rock. Like a rock rolling down a volcano. Ang lakas humilik! | 8:58 AM Jan 3rd
21. Mom is giving me another lecture on my excessive use of aircon in my room. She has to understand that i get hot easily. Whut? | 8:00 AM Jan 3rd
22. has finished watching THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL remake on cable. It’s so ugly, it’s criminal. | 7:37 AM Jan 3rd
23. I think I know why SHARON CUNETA is huge! Could she be stealing her daughters’ NIDO?! | 6:44 AM Dec 16th, 2009
24. I spend more time with MS Powerpoint than my boyfriend. I should marry Powerpoint. We’ll have cute deck babies! Busy, busy Wednesday! | 11:38 PM Dec 15th, 2009
25. I kinda miss the days when “lunch” is just lunch and not “working lunch.” Haha | 8:30 PM Dec 15th, 2009
26. is at UP Cineastes’ Studio Alumni Homecoming. Direks Joyce Bernal & Cathy Garcia Moliina are here, too! | 7:48 AM Dec 12th, 2009

There. So my blog post for this week is covered. I may now go back to being busy.

And oh, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! Also, post your Twitter usernames here and I will follow you.

A Break-up Letter

I never expected I’d be writing you this letter. We’ve had four years of wonderful memories but I’m afraid it had come to the point where you started to break my heart. I should’ve seen it coming since I’ve been finding it hard to breathe lately. It’s time to end the pain that I’m feeling and I just have to say goodbye. I will truly miss you.

I’ve known you since I was a kid but it was only before my college graduation that we had a real relationship. At first, it was difficult for me to get along with you considering the nasty things some people say about you. They said you would hurt me, and you did. They said, if I continued spending time with you, it would be so hard to let go; it was.

True, you are all the bad things they were saying. Still, I accepted you. I let you get to me deep within. You’re smokin’ hot. I loved the feeling of your body in my mouth. I loved it when my lips touched your butt. You taste like euphoria. You reek of obsession.

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I Was Supposed to Get that “Coffeehouse Planner” But I Got Fat, Broke and Insomniac on the 10th Frappe

If you don’t understand why everyone is going ga-ga over that certain planner a certain coffeehouse is selling or giving away after you’ve turned fat, broke or insomniac, welcome to the club.

Well, there’s nothing wrong with it actually. If you always buy coffee, then it makes perfect sense to avail of the planner in question. In fact, I admire the passion and determination of others to the point of skipping lunch or dinner or both just to grab their copy of that planner every year. (I even know a couple of kids who ask money from their parents and claim it’s for a project for their Social Studies class. Social, alright.)

It’s a cool planner I must admit. If I were that into overpriced coffee, I’d probably get myself one, too. But I’m happy with my Kapeng Barako so, thanks, but no thanks.

Anyway, just as that coffeehouse everyone is ga-ga over releases their planner that everyone is ga-ga over, a couple of friends came up with a brilliant idea of producing their own planner that could give that “coffeehouse planner everyone is ga-ga over” a run for its overpriced life. It’s more like my friends’ personal project but they printed 498 more, so you might want to buy a copy. LOL.

So what is this ingenious planner that threatens the order of the society?

Well, it’s called the “I-was-supposed-to-get-that-coffeehouse-planner-but-I-got-fat-and-broke-on-the-10th-frappe planner.” Sorry for its quite lengthy name, but there’s no other name more suitable.

This mocking planner talks to you in Tagalog and treats you as a real friend, the kind you always suspect of being gay or schizophrenic. It does not give you boring inspirational quotes every page. Heck, it might even insult you, like a real friend. And on top of it all, like a real friend, it’s the one you’d like to use as much as you can.

It has art, it has wit, and you don’t have to buy 30 frakkin’ cups of coffee just to get it. You just have to shell out P320. See? Like a real friend, it’s cheap.

The picture above is the cover. Now, take a look at the inside pages:

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The Pics Have the Answers

I’ve been wanting to write something lately but because the Typhoon Ondoy decided to be such a bitchass on the Philippines, priorities shifted and blogging just kissed the bottom of the list. (Btw, let’s continue helping the victims.)

Anyway, I realized that my last two entries on this blog are both very serious and very personal so I want to publish something light. I will post a storm-related entry one of these days, I just need to finish the article.

I was browsing through my pictures in my laptop when I stumbled upon old photos and screenshots. They say that a picture paints a thousand words. True, but wait there’s more. It’s also the easiest way to answer questions.

1. How good I am at bowling.

That’s four consecutive strikes, my dear friends. And one spare! (Yabang!) Just don’t ask me what happened after.

2. Why, for a moment, I was convinced God  is everywhere.

Imagine my surprise when this popped up on my screen. Apparently, it was just a friend named Jesus.

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