» Humor

Keeping Them Straight

Posted on October 8, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Gay, Humor |

“What’s wrong with me?” cried Celine, a friend and colleague. Moments earlier, she mastered the art of using all the functional muscles on her face to signal that there was a hot, goodlooking male behind me. Drowning in excitement and a deadly sin, she watched the guy behind me like she was ready to mate.

“Yeah, he was behind me in the queue earlier. He’s tall. He smelled really nice.” I told her. “And he’s gay.”

“No, he’s not.” First stage of grief, denial.

“Don’t you sense it?” I added. “Look at their body language, Celine. The other guy is his boyfriend.”

“Really? That‘s his boyfriend?”

I nodded.

“Really?! THAT GUY??! With THAT face?” Second stage of grief, anger.

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A Break-up Letter

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Yoshke in Health, Humor, Whatnots |

I never expected I’d be writing you this letter. We’ve had six years of wonderful memories but I’m afraid it had come to the point where you started to break my heart. I should’ve seen it coming since I’ve been finding it hard to breathe lately. It’s time to end the pain that I’m feeling and I just have to say goodbye.

I’ve known you since I was a kid but it was only before my college graduation that we had a real relationship. At first, it was difficult for me to get along with you considering the nasty things some people say about you. They said you would hurt me, and you did. They said, if I continued spending time with you, it would be so hard to let go. It was.

True, you are all the bad things they were saying. Still, I accepted you. I let you get to me deep within. You’re smokin’ hot. I loved the feeling of your body in my mouth. I loved it when my lips touched your butt. You taste like euphoria. You reek of obsession.

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Shy Guy and I: The Thought

Posted on August 7, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Humor, Love, Personal Life |

One romantic night, my hubby Shy Guy and I were lying in our bed. It was one of those nights when we would just drop everything we were doing and just enjoy the moment. No one was saying anything. Just exchanging glances and smiles. After a sweet long embrace and a gentle kiss, he looked at me and found me staring back at him.

“Anong nasa isip mo?” he asked.

I smiled, touched his face and whispered, “Antaba mo na!”

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What’s Up, Doc? Really, What’s Up?

Posted on July 13, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Health, Rants |

This happened more than two years ago. But it’s still pretty clear in my head.

June 2009. It was the time when I was constantly having serious digestion problems. Sometimes, my digestive system would not do its job dissolving food while other times, it would just overdo it. I finally had enough so I decided to see a doctor.

Image courtesy of www.doctortipster.com

Together with my hubby Shy Guy, I went to a hospital near my office. (Clue: it’s somewhere in Mandaluyong.) We approached the reception desk and said what we were there for. The woman at the desk then told us to proceed to a clinic upstairs. We fell in line and waited a full hour for our turn. We then filled out some forms coz it was my first time at that hospital. Everything was going well until the actual consultation.

Shy Guy chose to just wait for me outside while the doctor and I talked. Inside the room, the doctor asked me to describe what I had been feeling and how long it had been going on. I did and he explained to me what could have been happening in my body. He said I probably had “Irritable Bowel Syndrome.” It was a funny name for a disease, I thought. (It’s a real disorder, though.) He added that it could have been caused by my diet and too much stress. It actually made sense because back then, I usually felt like hitting the restroom whenever I was stressed out.

After giving me a prescription, the doctor then asked about my lifestyle. I answered, “well, I sleep at around 1am and wake up at 7.”

Doctor: Mahilig ka bang uminom?
Yoshke: Years ago but not recently. It’s under control.
Doctor: How much do you drink and how frequent?
Yoshke: Hmmm. I only drink, like, once a month. 5-8 bottles of beer? And some cocktails?
Doctor: Naninigarilyo ka?
Yoshke: Yes.
Doctor: How many packs a day?
Yoshke: 4-10 STICKS a day.
Doctor: You know what, cigarettes are instruments of THE DEVIL!!!

And then he lost it.

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The Promil Kid’s Love-Hate Affair with iPod

Posted on June 24, 2011 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

One of the things my nephew, the Promil Kid, loved about me was that I had an iPod Touch. At the time, I would always let him play with it since I have an iPhone and we would only meet every month anyway so I figured, “What the hell? Here, play, go.”

In fact, he spent more time with the iPod than me. Or even when we were together, he was still playing Angry Birds or Tap Tap Ants or Drop Chicken or whatever new game I had. So it wasn’t a surprise that whenever I would come home (every month), the first thing he would say to me was “Tito, iPod.” He probably loved it more than me. Haha.

Boy-Meets-iPod Stage

“I SLASHED THE HELL OUT OF THE WATERMELON!!!”

That was what I heard my nephew shouted after trying to play Fruit Ninja on my iPod Touch for the first time.

Yoshke: Hey, you can’t say that word!
Promil Kid: Watermelon? Dada says it all the time.
Yoshke: Not that, “hell!”
Promil Kid: Why not?
Yoshke: It’s a grown-up word.
Promil Kid: Hell, hell, hell, hell…
Yoshke: That’s bad. If you say that again, you’ll go where bad boys are sent to.
Promil Kid: Where?
Yoshke: That place that is not heaven.
Promil Kid: Where is that?
Yoshke: Alright. To HELL!!!
Promil Kid: Whatever.
Yoshke: Where did you learn that word anyway?
Promil Kid: Tito, duh? You say that all the time.

And then he started mimicking how I act when playing and losing — eyes squinted, brows met, fist formed, and mumbling “What the hell?!”

The Will-Do-Anything-For-Love Stage

A repost. I was in my room watching National Geographic when the Promil Kid entered.

Promil Kid: Tito, can I watch “Monsters vs Aliens” on your iPod?
Yoshke: Uhm, no.
Promil Kid: Please?
Yoshke: Hmmm, last night, you said you love your mommy and daddy and Nanay (my mom, his grandma) more than me. And now you want to borrow my iPod? No.
Promil Kid: I didn’t say that!
Yoshke: Yes, you did. You said I’m your fourth most-loved.
Promil Kid: I said third. Mommy then Dad then you.
Yoshke: Sorry, not good enough.
Promil Kid: Second! Mommy then Tito!
Yoshke: Shut up, I’m watching TV.
Promil Kid: FIRST! FIRST! I love Tito the most then Mommy then Dad then Nanay!
Yoshke: That’s what I’m talking about. Yay!

So I gave him my iPod and let him watch the movie in one corner of the room. He had earphones on. Suddenly…

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Resentment Grows Heavier

Posted on May 18, 2011 by Yoshke in Health, Rants, Vanities |

Dang it.

When I was in college, every time I stepped on the weighing scale, I’d pray, “Dear God, sana tumaba-taba naman ako kahit konti.”

Now, every time I do that I say, “OH GOD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!”

Dang it! #MustLoseWeight

Viewed 2717 times by 806 visitors this month

24 Comments

College Friends Bring On the Crazy!

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

I clearly remember how my friend Dohna attempted to start singing Tina Arena’s Burn with “Do you wanna be a fo…” and tried to get away with it by claiming she was about to say “forest,” not “foet.” And how she shared some words of wisdom, telling me that “sometimes we have to eat our friends in order to live and because they eat us too.“

Well, Dohna is a college friend. And she’s not alone. There are a lot of people like her where she came from. Many of my college friends are hilariously epic.

College friends at Anawangin Cove

Meet Icang

Icang is your girl-next-door type, who just seems lost sometimes. Oh, make that most of the time. She’s the type who reacts to what my other friends and I are talking about just when we have completely moved on to the next topic. She’s adorable like that. No, really, she’s one of my favorite people in the world.

It had been years since I last saw her when we met at Greenbelt last week. I was still single when we last had a conversation and she had a boyfriend then. When we met again, we switched shoes. She was now single and I, happily committed. I was so excited to tell her how happy I was with my current relationship. “We’ve been together for over 2 years,” I said proudly as if saying there’s no way we would break up! “Two years, Icang, 2 years!”

She tapped my shoulder, smiled, gave me a look that I did not know what to make out of, and said “Good for you.” In my head, I was like What the eff was that?

Read more

Viewed 2284 times by 764 visitors this month

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Two Salesladies

Posted on April 9, 2011 by Yoshke in Conversations, Humor |

Coming from a meeting in Ortigas, I dropped by SM Megamall to buy a laptop bag. It was around 10:30 am and there were not so many people at Cyberzone. I entered a store and I was the only customer at the time. I was sharing the room with one saleslady who was busy at the counter.

After finally choosing the bag I wanted to purchase, I approached the saleslady and gave her the item. And then something weird happened. She looked at me from head to toe and then stared for a few seconds. It wasn’t condescending. The stare screamed of frustration, of remorse. I was wearing black denim pants, a T-shirt covered with a black coat and leather pants. She wasn’t saying anything so I broke the silence, “Miss, kunin ko na ‘to.”

She took the item and began preparing the paper bag. Then she spoke.

Saleslady: Sir, ilang taon na po kayo?
Yoshke: 24. Malapit nang mag-25.
Saleslady: Ano pong trabaho n’yo, sir?
Yoshke: Sa Marketing ako. Bakit?
Saleslady: Wala lang, sir. Alam n’yo sir, magka-edad lang tayo. Gusto ko rin po mag-marketing dati. Nung high-school ako, gusto ko yung ganyan. Marketing, advertising. Ganun.
Yoshke: San ka nag-college?
Saleslady: Naku, wag nyo na alamin, sir. Hindi rin naman ako nakatapos. Pero matalino daw ako, sir. Nasa top ako ng high school.
Yoshke: O, ano nangyari?

She paused. I swear there were some tears building up in her eyes.

Viewed 2321 times by 716 visitors this month

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Laughter on the Menu

Posted on March 24, 2011 by Yoshke in Humor, Travel |

One of the best parts of traveling is being able to try many cuisines. You walk into a restaurant, pick a table, sit, and ask for the menu. The menu will give you what that restaurant has to offer. But if you have crazy attention to details, sometimes you’ll find unexpected laughter somewhere in that list of gastronomic delights. Here are some examples:

Will you ever eat a cruel potato? Well, if you’re brave enough to face one of these insensitive potatoes, you better drive to the Mountain Province and find a restaurant that serves chicken with…

Harsh brown. I'm scared. :S

If you want more foodie adventures, down south there’s a resort offering scrambled eggs with tomato and

Unless it's a union of the hottest waiters in the land, thanks but no thanks.

But if you want the ultimate mind-blowing menu, try these dishes being served in one restaurant in Beijing. My bosses took these pictures and up to now, they still haven’t figured out what these mean. The problems aren’t the dishes, it’s what they are called.

Viewed 23667 times by 2624 visitors this month

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How the 13th Zodiac Sign Rattled the World

Posted on January 15, 2011 by Yoshke in Friends, Humor, Public Affairs, Science, Web |

Yesterday morning, I logged in to my Facebook account only to find almost everyone in panic. Apparently, their zodiac signs have changed and they refuse their new sign. What’s worse, there’s a 13th sign — Ophiuchus, the serpent-bearer, the culprit, the cause of the global disorder. Haha.

image courtesy of astrology.com

Here are some zodiac-related status messages that I gathered yesterday (including mine):

Winston: hindi ko alam pano mabuhay bilang Cancer.

Andre: MY LIFE IS A LIE! MY LIFE IS A LIE! MY LIFE IS A LIE!

Yoshke: Kebs na ako sa bagong zodiac. Basta ako, PISCES ako. Malansa ako eh.

Yoshke: Dear Zenaida Seva, I dare you! Say “Ophiuchus” 5 times non-stop.

Dohna: So I’m a Gemini now. I guess that explains the bipolar tendencies. Zenaida Seva may Ophiuchus na. Award.

Gail: Ophiu-something ka rin, Yoshke? pakshet ako naging Virgo. Soooooooooo nooooooooootttttt bagay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jerwin: I hate it. I’m no longer LEO? Ayaw ko ng Cancer! Argh. Damn Earth Rotation changes!

Leo: if we are to include the 13th Zodiac into the equation, i’m now officially Leo…

Jayvee: i’m not sexy anymore. =(

So what really happened?

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36 Comments

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About Yoshke

On May 31, 1985, tragedy struck when 41 tornadoes hit Canada and the US, leaving 76 people dead. At the same time, a doomed couple in the Philippines were having the best orgasms of their lives. Nine months (280 days) later, a healthy baby boy was brought into this world by normal delivery. That was exactly a week before Microsoft had its initial public offering.

Today, Yoshke Dimen resides independently in Mandaluyong City. He got a degree in Film from a university in Diliman but is now pursuing a career in Social Media.

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