» Humor

Yet Another Promil Kid Attack

Posted on November 6, 2007 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

Mumbling: I wanna saint your mother just for giving you birth…
Humming: If That’s Okay With You – Shayne Ward
Related Posts: Never Mess With Promil Kids | The Promil Kid Strikes Back | The Promil Kid Strikes Back Again

Utterly famished, I went straight to the kitchen swearing that I would gorge on the first food that I would see. I rummaged through the refrigerator and found a pack of jumbo Tender Juicy hotdogs. I grabbed a pan, greased it, and cooked the lovely hotdogs sending a greatly delightful smell up to my room where my 3-year old nephew was staying.

Soon after, I heard my nephew’s footsteps as he ran down the stairs.

“Tito, are those my hotdogs?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“You’re bad. You didn’t tell me you would cook my hotdogs. Those are mine. I hate you. You didn’t ask for my permission.”

“Oh okay. Sorry.”

He just stood at the kitchen door. Not feeling guilty whatsoever, I just continued cooking his hotdogs. After minutes, I noticed that he was still standing there looking at me. I began feeling uncomfortable. I looked at him again, and he was still giving me that I-hate-you look. No, it was the I-really-hate-you look.

So, out of total discomfort, I faced him and said sarcastically, “Fine. Can I have some of your hotdogs?”

He answered, “Sure.” Then, he ran upstairs back to my room.

Ampotah, ganun lang pala kadali kausap yun?

# # #

My sister bought my nephew a full Batman costume for the Halloween. That’s one of my major influences on him. He doesn’t like Superman or Spiderman, he adores Batman. And that’s nice.

He excitedly grabbed the costume and wore it right away. We were pleased to see that it fit him perfectly. However, he did not want to take it off. It would’ve been nice but it happened two weeks before the Halloween. But since he was throwing tantrums every time we would mention taking it off, we just let him play around in that fancy Batman costume with some kids in the neighbourhood.

Ignoring the heat and the sultry atmosphere, he wore that costume all day long. He was really in love with it that even when he had dinner and watched his favourite cartoon shows, he was still wearing it. Finally, bedtime. He still wouldn’t take it off.

So I said, “You know what? Since you like pretending to be Batman, why don’t you sleep upside down with your feet glued to the ceiling?”

He pouted and answered, “Tito, I’m Batman. I’m not a bat.”

Tama nga naman.

…

Related Posts:
Never Mess With Kids (Especially Promil Kids)
The Promil Kid Strikes Back
The Promil Kid Strikes Back. Again.
image courtesy of amazon.com

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The Promil Kid Drops the Bomb

Posted on September 30, 2007 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

Of all the living things created by God, I love my nephew the most. I call him the Promil Kid. He’s the cutest thing. I’ve always written about him and he has won the love of the people around me even before they met him. I’m starting to think he could be my mascot for this blog. Something like Dexter.

Someday when he’s old enough to discover what I’ve been doing to him, he’ll insist he get paid for every entry I wrote about him. Darn, that’d be costly!

We fight over a bar of snickers. I reprimanded him for calling a salesman “hideous”. He kicked his school principal for not letting him take home a Sto. Nino displayed inside the church. He almost dropped the bomb that I’m gay in a family dinner. He believed the Virgin Mary was Our Lady of Enchanted Kingdom. But he’s someone I can give my life to, and I will if I have to.

Here are some more of my unforgettable moments with the Promil Kid.

###

I was lying in my bed beside my 3-year-old nephew when he, out of the blue, asked me, “Tito (uncle), do you have a girlfriend?”

“No,” I answered. “Why?”

“I have a girlfriend.”

“You? Really? What’s her name?”

“Tanya. She’s my classmate.”

Suddenly, my phone rang. It was Andre. He was with Dohna and they were asking me if I could hang out with them. Sadly, I was in Batangas so I had to beg off.

After I hung up, my nephew asked, “Your girlfriend?”

“No. It was my friend Andre.”

“Your girlfriend’s name is Andre?”

“Nope. Andre is just a friend. And he’s a boy.”

He looked at me, discombobulated. “Your girlfriend is a boy?”

Ay ewan ko sa’yo. Bahala kang bata ka.

# # #

Two weeks ago, everyone in the family, except me, was having the hardest time dealing with “sore eyes” (pinkeye). Including my nephew. I noticed that he was always scratching his bloodshot red eyes while doing his homework.

“Don’t scratch your eyes. It’ll get redder and redder.” I told him.

“It’s OK. I like red.” He answered as he continued scratching his eyes so hard.

“No, you don’t. You like blue. You never liked red.”

He looked at me, wondering dumbly, “Tito, how do I turn my eyes blue?”

“You can’t.”

He gave me a disappointed look and said, “I like red.” And then he began scratching his eyes again.

# # #

I woke up last Sunday and found my nephew in the living area holding a microphone attached to the mini-component system. My nephew knows how to operate our DVD player, VCR, TV, and everything else. Seeing him, I was shocked and annoyed at the same time. It seemed to me that he was also the one who plugged it into the socket. What if he was electrocuted while plugging it in? I was responsible for him. He could’ve died and I was still upstairs, in dreamland. Infuriated at that moment, I swore I would give him the most terrible nagging he would ever receive from anyone. I was just about to shout at him when he spoke on the microphone so sweetly. “Good morning, Tito. I love you.”

I gave him the tightest and warmest hug, instead.

# # #

At my dad’s third death anniversary dinner, I was trapped in a conversation with my family about not having a girlfriend lately. No one in my family knows about the recent change in my sexuality. Hehehe. It’s been more than two years since I last introduced a girlfriend to them and they were bugging me why I seemed to be not bringing someone home for them to know personally. I just told them that I was busy trying to build a career in the diplomatic field. Fortunately for me, they bought it. They stopped asking and turned quiet. Parang may dumaan na anghel. Whew. Thank God.

Suddenly, my nephew broke the silence. “Tito said that his girlfriend is a boy.”

Oh.My.Gee. I almost dropped my fork. My lower jaw would have gone with it.

images courtesy of bookofmormonposters.com

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54 Comments

Let’s Talk Pink

Posted on September 12, 2007 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Gay, Humor |

Status: Oooh, these cute pink earphones…
Music: Who Knew - Pink

Everybody keeps noticing my light pink earphones lately. And they’ve been tormenting me, telling me so blatantly how GAY it is of me to actually own them.

Well, I AM gay. So, what’s their problem?! I don’t get it.

But then again, some of them don’t know about my pink secret yet. So okie, I guess, I get it.

# # #

Last weekend I was with two of my close friends. When Girl (obviously, name changed to protect our friendship, hehe) showed up, my initial reaction was look at Boy. His face was just as sour as mine. We then smiled, almost laughing. It’s because of Girl’s get-up. Girl was wearing a violent pink top and a sky blue skirt. So when Girl went to the washroom, we finally had time to talk about it.

Boy said to me, “Tell her not to stand still or she’d look like an MMDA overpass. Tell her it’s horrendous! Tell her!”

“I can’t do that, ” I protested.

“Why not?”

“My parents raised me right! I only talk about a person behind her back.”

Boy displayed an odd look.

So I added, “It’s called ‘friendship.’”

# # #

Suddenly, I miss an ex-girlfriend. She loves pink. And she has a new boyfriend.

Uhm, I think it’s about time that I also get a boyfriend. Anyone? Hahaha.

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The Promil Kid and the Hideous Word

Posted on August 26, 2007 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

I didn’t realise how obsessed my 3-year old nephew had become with Cartoon Network (particularly Dexter’s Laboratory) until I entered MY room one morning. And there he was, sitting on the floor, smashing a scientific calculator on the wall, thinking he could fix it afterwards. When I opened the door, he turned to me and angrily hollered: “Tito (uncle), get out of my laboratory!!!”

This is bad, I thought. He thinks he’s Dexter and this is his laboratory. I knew I had to do something about it.

So I looked at him and bellowed, “Excuse me, kid! This is MY laboratory! Get out of MY laboratory.”

Bloody kid. I am Dexter!!!

# # #

My nephew is the only pupil at his school (a community pre-school) who can speak English so fluently. That’s because we train him at home. We always encourage force the kid to answer in English when asked in English. And because when he’s with his playmates, he speaks Tagalog (our native language), we make sure that he talks in English at home.

So what happens when he fails to respond in English? I usually give him “the look” — you know, the kind of look that our parents used to give us when we were little to let us know that we were doing something bad and that we must stop it right at that moment. Whenever my nephew realises he’s being given the look, he switches to English immediately.

Last week, I was shopping at a local mall with my nephew. He said he wanted a kiddie drum set. So we entered Toy Kingdom and began looking for one. A sales crew approached us and showed us two gorgeous sets: yellow and blue. The sales crew and I shared the same thought that the yellow one was better (but yeah, a little more expensive). But my nephew seemed to have made up his mind already.

“I like the blue one.”

But the sales crew was being persistent.

“I told you I like the blue one. I hate yellow!”

The sales crew was astonished by how my nephew speaks in English faultlessly. So he talked to the kid in English, “But this one is better.”

My nephew, being his usual self — stubborn and annoying — began shouting. “I said I don’t like yellow! It’s hideous!!!”

Even I was surprised to hear the word “hideous.” That’s a very big word for a 3-year old Filipino kid. So I asked my nephew, “Do you know what hideous means?”

“Yeah. Like him.” He pointed at the sales crew and turned to me again. “He’s hideous.” He said as-a-matter-of-fact-ly.

I felt embarrassed for the sales crew. So to tell my nephew he was doing something bad, I gave him the look.

His eyes narrowed. His brows met. Confused, he protested, “That was English!”

Pictures courtesy of mysimon.com, istockphoto.com and cartoon-secrets.com

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Never Mess With Kids (Especially Promil Kids)

Posted on July 29, 2007 by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

Status: Tonsilitis… Waaaah!
Music: I’m Just a Kid – Simple Plan

WHO’S TO BLAME?

This happened more than a year ago, you can see the original post here. I was with my then 2-year old nephew in my mum’s room when I accidentally broke the lamp on the side table. Of course, the only witness was my dear nephew. So I decided to talk to him.

Yoshke: When they ask you who broke that, you say MIMI (name of his cat). Understand?
Nephew: *nod*
Yoshke: Yaya (the maid) forgot to close the door so Mimi entered, sat on the side table, and broke the lamp. Understand?
Nephew: *nod*
Yoshke: Who entered the room?
Nephew: Mimi!
Yoshke: Who sat on the side table?
Nephew: Mimi!
Yoshke: Who broke the lamp?
Nephew: Tito (Uncle)!
Yoshke: Who broke the lamp?
Nephew: Tito!
Yoshke: Mimi!
Nephew: Tito!

The poor kid did not have any chocolate for the rest of the day. Nyahahaha. Child abuse, anyone?

# # #

HE WAS RIGHT, ANYWAY

Last night, when I came home, I forgot to close the gate. My nephew, now 3, was playing on the porch.

Nephew: Tito! Close the gate! What if my ball went over there and I would fetch it. I might get hit by a car.
Yoshke: So don’t go out!
Nephew: But I’m a kid. I don’t know what I do.

Yeah, right. I shut the gate.

# # #

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Most of the time, my nephew and I get along really well. And the times when there are chocolate bars in the fridge are not one of them. We always end up fighting about who gets what. And it’s agreed upon that Snickers bars are mine like it has always been. So a couple of months ago, when my nephew was throwing tantrums, I was pissed that he wanted my Snickers. I mean, whaaat? Those were mine.

But being a kid, of course, he could get away with it. And I was the one scolded for acting like a kid. But I’m sure you get me. Those bars were mine! Mine! Mine!

So when my nephew was climbing up the stairs to his room, displaying the bars of Snickers, mocking me (I was lying in the couch), I prayed, “Oh God, please, do anything so I could have those Snickers. ANYTHING.”

Seconds later, my nephew lost his balance and came crashing down the stairs. I was appalled and befuddled. The blood all over the floor made it hard for me to move (coz I’m extremely afraid of blood). My brother hurriedly approached my nephew and drove to the hospital.

I didn’t go with them to the hospital. When the maid asked me what happened, I couldn’t utter a word. I was feeling incredibly guilty. Besides, I really couldn’t talk because my mouth was full. Of Snickers bars. The bloody kid left them on the floor.

Picture courtesy of newciv.org

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Protected: Names, Like Size, Matter

Posted on July 21, 2007 by Yoshke in Humor, University, Vanities |

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OUT, You Psycho!

Posted on April 30, 2007 by Yoshke in Humor, TV |

Warning: If you are someone who loves Maricris of Pinoy Big Brother or if you ARE Maricris, please stop reading, skip this entry, or leave now. Thanks very much.

The Maricris-Beatriz dispute inside the PBB house was priceless. I loved how Bea handled the situation and how she was able to deal with what Andre calls “psychotically violent” Maricris. Winner ka, Bea. Isa kang alamat.

Anyway, that was arguably the most entertaining confrontation inside the big yellow house since the Keanna-Mitch conflict of the Celebrity Edition. You still remember this?

Ang hirap kasi sa’yo, ang KFC mo! Ay, KSP pala.

That was one of Keanna’s glorious moments. Haha. Anyway, Maricris had her share of oh-my-god-what-did-she-say moments. While having that heated argument with Bea, she uttered:

I didn’t that. I didn’t that!

But wait, there’s more. She kept on saying she was calm when she was shouting her lungs out. Calm my ass, you jerk. Haha. And oh, is it just me or she really pronounced honest — HA-nest; and judge — JADS?

And how about Bea? Well, she told Maricris:

Don’t be such a pushy!

I believe the sentence is actually not a sentence yet. Unless, Bea meant… you know… just replace H with another S; starts with a P and sounds like fussy. And yes, that word is sooo Maricris.

Damn, she’s really crazy. Or maybe I just love Bea so much. (She’s my second favourite female housemate. Next to Gee-Ann.)

OUT! You pathetic freak of nature.

[Edit: Naawa naman ako bigla nung lumabas na nga si Maricris sa bahay. Hehehe.]

If you are someone who loves Maricris or if you ARE Maricris, I told you so.
*pictures courtesy of pinoybigbrother.com

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Just Turned Blue

Posted on March 30, 2007 by Yoshke in Humor, University |

Status: Just turned blue
Music: Blind – Lifehouse

I’ve been in and around the UP Diliman campus lately because I had to claim my diploma, apply for a transcript of records, and get my clearance slip. People have been asking me why I’m always around. And after telling them the above reason, I usually add, “Oh, and I’m also enroling for a certificate programme (Foreign Service Review Programme) in Ateneo.”

I can’t believe how ugly some answers can get and how highly some UP students and graduates (like me) think of themselves. But of course, these were said just for humour. Yet again, we all know jokes are almost always half-meant.

Here are some of the reactions I won’t forget.

Yoshke: I’m actually just about to go to Ateneo to enrol.
Angel: You better give me a really good reason why Ateneo!

OK, Angel. Is because-UP-doesn’t-have-the-same-program good enough for you? Hehe. Here’s another one:

Jake: Tell me you’re kidding.

I’m sorry Jake, but I wasn’t.

Dan: I don’t think studying there would make that much of a difference.

But of all reactions, Kriz’s was the best.

Kriz: My God, Yoshke, why are you stooping down sooo low?!

Hmmm… Maroon to Blue…

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Asian Guys and their Dinky-Doodle-Doo’s

Posted on December 4, 2006 by Yoshke in Humor, Sex |

Status: Damn horny. (Kidding)
Music: Size Matters - Natasha Bedingfield

Caution: The following contains sexually explicit language and may be a little graphic. If you are offended by this kind of stuff, please stop reading, skip this entry, or leave now. Thanks very much.

Asians have this reputation of having small dicks. On the average, it is said that among the races, Asians are the least gifted. It’s not congruent to saying “All Asians have small dicks.” That’s a generalisation. As I said, it’s the average. The Africans pride themselves on being the ones with longest manhoods.

And yep, I agree that Asians have small dicks relatively. I have a number of Caucasian friends and they’ve been telling me about this kind of “reputation.” And because I didn’t have anything else to do in the office (oh, I love my job) I searched the web and tried to look for what other people have to say regarding this. And I successfully found a forum regarding races and their sizes. The following are some of their thoughts….

I think it’s a big myth. i’ve been with guys from different ethnicities. there’s never any correlation. as for asian guys, none of the ones i’ve been with had a small dinky… all pretty good size… well, except for one asian dude who was Filipino.

Wahaha. Wow. That was really funny! Err… wait a minute… I’m a Filipino! That’s supposed to hurt! (sobs) Waaaaah! But thanks for defending my fellow Asians. Anyway, here’s another one:

I’ve seen some Japanese porn and the men usually have cocks that are almost half the size of mine.

And a white guy replied to the post above.

Wow. It’s visible with the naked eye?

Oh my God. And I thought they were being evil to Filipinos. What they think about Japanese sizes was even worse.

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Speak, Squeal, Spill

Posted on September 10, 2006 by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor, University |

Status: Clueless
Music: Who Do You Love - The Moffatts

WITH VIKTOR KRUM (Haha)
Parts of my conversations with a Bulgarian online friend (I don’t know if I’m allowed to mention his name):

Yoshke: You’re pure evil. But if all devils were just like you, then I would definitely buy a one-way ticket to hell.
Him: Why not a one-way ticket to Bulgaria? There’s one here.

This one, we had more than a month ago.

Yoshke: New York has the Statue of Liberty. Paris has the Eiffel Tower. What’s in Bulgaria that is well worth a visit?
Him: Aren’t I enough?
Yoshke: Well, yeah. You’re enough.

# # #

WITH A FOREVER-INNOCENT FRIEND
A simple talk with a young friend who was so unsure about how he felt for some girl.

Ken: How do you know if you’re in love?
Yoshke: I don’t think there are definite standard symptoms. You just know. That’s it. You just know. Why? Are you in love?
Ken: I don’t know.
Yoshke: You’re not in love.
Ken: What makes you so sure?
Yoshke: Cos you don’t know.

# # #

WITH MY HALF-FRENCH BROTHER
This convo I had with Josh on our way to FC Gloria’s Canteen for lunch after our French class the day before my birthday.

Josh: You already got a Kitchie Nadal album?
Yoshke: No. But I borrowed a friend’s and listened to it last night.
Josh: How was it? You liked it?
Yoshke: One big NO. I only liked a couple of tracks. The record is rubbish.
Josh: Oh, don’t be so cruel on her. You’d probably appreciate the album more if you listen to it a little longer.
Yoshke: I don’t think so. Only a couple of songs really appealed to me.

After lunch, he handed me something in a white plastic bag.

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I blog for myself. This is a personal online journal of a nobody. Every person has a story. Every place brings back a memory. Every object triggers an emotion or a thought. What I blog about are these ordinary, average, little things, little happenings, little lives around me. But I have always believed that the universe is fueled by things common and little. And I hope that this blog, no matter how personal, would somehow touch, move, or inspire others the way they inspired me to blog. Even just a single person. Even just a little.

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» Humor

Yet Another Promil Kid Attack

30 Comments

The Promil Kid Drops the Bomb

54 Comments

Let’s Talk Pink

51 Comments

The Promil Kid and the Hideous Word

36 Comments

Never Mess With Kids (Especially Promil Kids)

WHO’S TO BLAME?

HE WAS RIGHT, ANYWAY

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

34 Comments

Protected: Names, Like Size, Matter

Enter your password to view comments.

OUT, You Psycho!

6 Comments

Just Turned Blue

2 Comments

Asian Guys and their Dinky-Doodle-Doo’s

1 Comment

Speak, Squeal, Spill

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