A Break-up Letter


I never expected I'd be writing you this letter. We've had six years of wonderful memories but I'm afraid it had come to the Read more

Welcome to the New Yoshke.com


New look. New attitude. New experiences. Honestly, I had been neglecting this blog the past few weeks because of my awfully hectic schedule. Work had Read more

Sometimes We Burn to Live


Whenever I meet people for the first time, it always happens. When they start their sentence with "I hope you don't mind me asking but," Read more

Judging By the Cover


Our office is just a stone's throw from where I live. In fact, all I have to do is cross EDSA and voila, hello Read more

Fireworks, Hormones, and this Blog Post


You remember last week when I told you I found it difficult to blog since I met you? Since we became a couple officially, Read more

Do They Read Blogs in Heaven?


Whenever I say that the earliest memory I have is the accident wherein I had my left arm somewhat toasted, I lie. My earliest Read more

Unusual Breakfast


Here we are again. In the usual corner. Usual table. Usual diner. Usual time. And most probably, usual meal. I'm getting tired of this Read more

Top 10 National Stereotypes


Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by Read more

EDSA


It could have been a horrible Saturday. I was in the passenger seat. It was a bit raining. Normally, EDSA gets on my nerves. That's why Read more

Why Nursery Rhymes Are So Violent


A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly Read more

Top 10 Worst Things to Say During Sex


Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two Read more

The Promil Kid Drops the Bomb


Of all the living things created by God, I love my nephew the most. I call him the Promil Kid. He’s the cutest thing. Read more

» jt

And That’s the Bottom Line!

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

Here are some completely innocent statements but my friends’ dirty minds tell them otherwise.

SANAY NA

One very toxic night, I had been editing political ads on my laptop with my small marketing teammates at our apartment FOR HOURS. My friends Dohna, Dane, and Frances were sitting on the airbed while I was on the stairs facing a chair where the laptop was on. There was just no place in the mattress left so I had to sit on the bottom step of the staircase despite the discomfort.

Dohna grew concerned about my situation so she asked, “Yoshke, masakit ba?”

And without thinking, I replied, “Hindi naman. Sanay na ang pwet ko.”

Everyone burst into laughter. I meant I got used to being seated for hours.

PUMAPASOK

Frances, Dohna, Asta, JT, Maikel and I were at Starbucks Shangri-la last Thursday night when we agreed to exchange horror stories. Frances was narrating a horrifying encounter when they stayed in Baguio a few years ago, wherein an old lady was torturing her in her sleep but she was awake and she couldn’t move. More like a case of sleep paralysis.

Frances narrated, “Tapos hindi talaga ako makagalaw. Tapos gusto kong sumigaw pero hindi ko magawa, walang lumalabas na boses. Tapos weird, ang hirap ng i-explain. Alam nyo yung feeling na may malaking bagay na pumapasok sa katawan mo?

“Oo, alam ko ang feeling nang may malaking bagay na pumapasok sa katawan ko,” I interrupted.

Everyone gave me a look as if saying “You ruined dinner.” Sorry naman. She asked! I just answered. I meant I had the same sleep paralysis experience.

HINDI QUALIFIED

While preparing dinner at the condo a few months ago.

Andre: Pag nagkaroon ng Top Chef Philippines, parang ang sarap sumali. Kaso hindi ako qualified.
Yoshke: Bakit naman?
Andre: Hindi kasi ako “top.”

He meant he’s not that experienced a cook!

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Words of Wisdom from Dohna Sarmiento

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor |

Trinoma, Quezon City. September 2008.

I don’t eat beef.

Don’t ask why not. I don’t know either. I just don’t.

But of course, I know how it tastes like. Last month, I was at FoodEx Trinoma to taste beef for the first time. (It was the first of the three times I ate beef in my life.) Mimay, JT and Dohna were all there to witness the momentous event. Mimay had it recorded. Video uploaded to Facebook.

I ordered T-Bone steak. They were all crying “Oh my God” repeatedly in anticipation. Because you know, one day, I’ll be so famous and I’ll be a great historical figure and people will go back to that moment as the first time I ate beef. They’ll be erecting a monument in the middle of that mall captioned “This was where The Great Yoshke Dimen had his first beef.” And it will become a popular tourist destination besting New York’s Statue of Liberty, Rio’s Jesus Christ the Redeemer and the then most visited Manila’s Yoshke The Full-of-Himself Tower.

Anyway, just when the first morsel touched the tip of my tongue, Dohna asked me “How was it?”

It took me several seconds before I could finally answer. I had to chew and swallow, you know.

Yummy. A bit gummy,” was my answer. “Not as bad as I expected but not as good as people say it is.”

They were all delighted with my response. It meant “I liked it.” I was just sorta in denial but I liked it.

You see? You liked it, right? Beef is very good,” Dohna said as-a-matter-of-fact-ly. “Beef is our friend.”

If beef is our friend, why do we have to eat it?” I replied.

Well…” Dohna paused and then uttered confidently, “Because sometimes we have to eat our friends! In  order to live.

Wahaha.

Mimay added “And because they eat us, too. Unto unto others, unto unto you!

Ad Congress. Subic Bay. November 2007.

After the Neil Gaiman event, Ayn, Astrid, Dohna and I decided to kill time at the Subic Bay Christmas Carnival. We hadn’t been at a “perya” in a long time. Enchanted Kingdom not counted. When I say “perya,” I mean those horrible yet fun places where you feel like the Ferris Wheel will come crashing down any minute and whenever you brush your hand with the grimy metal railings, you feel like a bottle of Green Cross alcohol won’t be enough and you won’t touch food in the next 72 hours. And whenever you hear a scream, you assume it’s not of excitement but of agony and you picture a little girl free falling from that Ferris Wheel you thought was made of rust. Haha. But peryas are fun. Haha.

After almost an hour of deciding what rides to take, we ended up not taking any. Haha. So we just agreed to wait for Lei and hitch a ride back to Manila — the only ride we were gonna take that day.

We were staying near a puto-bumbong stall — all tired, sleepy and waiting. All quiet. No one was saying anything. Until Dohna broke the silence with a song. Out loud, she started singing “Burn” by Tina Arena.

Do you wanna be a fo…” And then she stopped singing so suddenly. She realised she might have mispronounced something. Might have. Haha.

Ayn, being herself, smirked and asked “What? A FFFoet? Do you wanna be a FFFoet?

Ah sarcasm. Sarcastic bickering. My favourite hobby.

I was gonna say ‘FOREST!’” said Dohna, thinking she could fool us.

I butted in, “Why on earth would you want to be a forest? Why would anyone want to be a forest?!?

We all laughed. Dohna was silent.

Err… Coz they want to… burn? ” was her answer. Clever.

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How My Friends See Me II:
“Mastering” Vanilla Sex?

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Friends, Humor, Sex, Vanities |

What’s wrong with my friends?

They’ve been so very imaginative lately; they’re accusing me of things. Things that are, well, pretty amusing. Very recently, they, albeit separately, came up with an interesting theory. More like a guess, actually.

ROBIN

While malling. A few months ago.

Robin: I kinda miss the “bossy” you.
Yoshke: Hey, I was never bossy.
Robin: You were. You are. It’s just today that you seem to be not that.
Yoshke: Must be the weather.
Robin: What about the weather?
Yoshke: Humid. Makes me feel sleepy.
Robin: I bet you’re also bossy in bed.
Yoshke: OMG. If I didn’t know you better, I’d think you were hitting on me.
Robin: Ass. It was a neutral question! I just wanna know if you boss your partner around…
Yoshke: Hmmm. So you really wanna know? Haha.
Robin:
That’s not what I meant, Dimen.
Yoshke:
Then, you’ll never know.
Robin: But really, something tells me you’re into S&M (sadomasochism, sadism and masochism, slave and master).
Yoshke: (bonggang bonggang LOL)
Robin: So, are you?
Yoshke: You’ll never know. :P

JT

After watching the hilarious 3D animation “Igor” (starring my fave John Cusack)

You see, most hunchbacked assistants to evil scientists in many celebrated literary and film works (Dracula, Frankenstein, etc) are named Igor.

The movie Igor is sooo entertaining that even after seeing it, JT, Klara, Dohna, Chino and I couldn’t shake it off. When I was finally home, I texted JT.

Yoshke: Igor, you home na?
JT: Yes, master. I’ll pull the switch.
Yoshke: Ah JT, stop impersonating Igor. It’s turning me on. JOKE LANG.
JT: Really? Joke daw.
Yoshke: Haha. Bahala ka. You really think I’m into S&M?
JT: Pwede. So what role do you play?
Yoshke: I won’t answer that question.
JT: You don’t have to. I think I know, Mr. Power.
Yoshke: Hahaha. I won’t confirm or deny anything.

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