A Break-up Letter


I never expected I'd be writing you this letter. We've had six years of wonderful memories but I'm afraid it had come to the Read more

Welcome to the New Yoshke.com


New look. New attitude. New experiences. Honestly, I had been neglecting this blog the past few weeks because of my awfully hectic schedule. Work had Read more

Sometimes We Burn to Live


Whenever I meet people for the first time, it always happens. When they start their sentence with "I hope you don't mind me asking but," Read more

Judging By the Cover


Our office is just a stone's throw from where I live. In fact, all I have to do is cross EDSA and voila, hello Read more

Fireworks, Hormones, and this Blog Post


You remember last week when I told you I found it difficult to blog since I met you? Since we became a couple officially, Read more

Do They Read Blogs in Heaven?


Whenever I say that the earliest memory I have is the accident wherein I had my left arm somewhat toasted, I lie. My earliest Read more

Unusual Breakfast


Here we are again. In the usual corner. Usual table. Usual diner. Usual time. And most probably, usual meal. I'm getting tired of this Read more

Top 10 National Stereotypes


Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by Read more

EDSA


It could have been a horrible Saturday. I was in the passenger seat. It was a bit raining. Normally, EDSA gets on my nerves. That's why Read more

Why Nursery Rhymes Are So Violent


A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly Read more

Top 10 Worst Things to Say During Sex


Sex is the art of love. It must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. This act of love of two Read more

The Promil Kid Drops the Bomb


Of all the living things created by God, I love my nephew the most. I call him the Promil Kid. He’s the cutest thing. Read more

» promil kid

The Vanishing Coins

Posted on by Yoshke in Family |

Mystery solved.

I intentionally left several P5 coins on the side table in my room, pretended to be asleep, and kept half an eye on them. For months now, I had always found myself looking for missing coins around the house. I entertained the idea that an unseen, paranormal force hiding inside our house’s walls was responsible for the coins that seemed to disappear from where I left them. I even considered seeing a doctor because I thought my usually reliable memory was failing me. But that all changed when I decided to set up a trap to catch the culprit.

After almost thirty minutes of waiting, my nephew, whom I fondly call the Promil Kid, entered the room and watched TV. It wasn’t long until he noticed the coins on the table and pocketed them as if they were his own.

I was shocked. For the longest time, what I liked most about my nephew was that he didn’t care about money. Unlike most of the kids in my extended family, he never did approach me and ask for money to buy something. Honestly, whenever I tried to give him cash, he would just look at me and not take it. He’d rather be given food.

That was then.

Apparently, he is now very conscious about the value of coins and what it can do for him. Right after taking the coins, he went out  and I followed him to his room.

“Hey, hey,” I said, “why’d you take those? Those are mine.”

“Not anymore, Tito,” he reasoned. “You left them on the desk.”

“That doesn’t make them yours.”

“Please?” He threw one of those I-beg-you-Tito look, which works all the damn time.

“Sure.”

My nephew then took out a giant piggy bank (more like a giant baby bottle bank) from under the bed. It was so heavy he had to roll it on the floor. He could not even lift it up or move it around if not by rolling. One by one he inserted the coins into it. Looking at his savings, he flashed a satisfied smile.

“Is it already P10,000, Tito?” My nephew was eager to know.

“I don’t know. You need to count them.”

“There’s too many coins. I can only count up to 100.”

I joined him on the floor, opened the piggy bank and began counting. It took me more than an hour to finish.

“Eight thousand pesos,” I excitedly told him. “Where’d you get all this money?”

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The Promil Kid and His Bull Story

Posted on by Yoshke in Family, Videos |

Here’s a video of the Promil Kid, my nephew, narrating what he had just seen on Animal Planet. He found the show compelling and entertaining enough that he was so excited to share with me the whole story. It was about a bull and hmmm… Actually, that’s all I understood. All I heard was bull, bull, bull! I can only take so much bulls in a conversation.

Somebody transcribe this thing and tell me what actually happened to the bull! Wahaha

 

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The Promil Kid’s Love-Hate Affair with iPod

Posted on by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

One of the things my nephew, the Promil Kid, loved about me was that I had an iPod Touch. At the time, I would always let him play with it since I have an iPhone and we would only meet every month anyway so I figured, “What the hell? Here, play, go.”

In fact, he spent more time with the iPod than me. Or even when we were together, he was still playing Angry Birds or Tap Tap Ants or Drop Chicken or whatever new game I had. So it wasn’t a surprise that whenever I would come home (every month), the first thing he would say to me was “Tito, iPod.” He probably loved it more than me. Haha.

Boy-Meets-iPod Stage

“I SLASHED THE HELL OUT OF THE WATERMELON!!!”

That was what I heard my nephew shouted after trying to play Fruit Ninja on my iPod Touch for the first time.

Yoshke: Hey, you can’t say that word!
Promil Kid: Watermelon? Dada says it all the time.
Yoshke: Not that, “hell!”
Promil Kid: Why not?
Yoshke: It’s a grown-up word.
Promil Kid: Hell, hell, hell, hell…
Yoshke: That’s bad. If you say that again, you’ll go where bad boys are sent to.
Promil Kid: Where?
Yoshke: That place that is not heaven.
Promil Kid: Where is that?
Yoshke: Alright. To HELL!!!
Promil Kid: Whatever.
Yoshke: Where did you learn that word anyway?
Promil Kid: Tito, duh? You say that all the time.

And then he started mimicking how I act when playing and losing — eyes squinted, brows met, fist formed, and mumbling “What the hell?!”

The Will-Do-Anything-For-Love Stage

A repost. I was in my room watching National Geographic when the Promil Kid entered.

Promil Kid: Tito, can I watch “Monsters vs Aliens” on your iPod?
Yoshke: Uhm, no.
Promil Kid: Please?
Yoshke: Hmmm, last night, you said you love your mommy and daddy and Nanay (my mom, his grandma) more than me. And now you want to borrow my iPod? No.
Promil Kid: I didn’t say that!
Yoshke: Yes, you did. You said I’m your fourth most-loved.
Promil Kid: I said third. Mommy then Dad then you.
Yoshke: Sorry, not good enough.
Promil Kid: Second! Mommy then Tito!
Yoshke: Shut up, I’m watching TV.
Promil Kid: FIRST! FIRST! I love Tito the most then Mommy then Dad then Nanay!
Yoshke: That’s what I’m talking about. Yay!

So I gave him my iPod and let him watch the movie in one corner of the room. He had earphones on. Suddenly…

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The Other Promil Kids

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Family, Friends, Humor |

I have been receiving a lot of emails about the Promil Kid from my readers. If only my nephew could blog, I think he would create his own (which is just right since he has been outshining me here on MY OWN blog, LOL). Or, when he reaches the right age, he’ll ask for his share of whatever I earn from this blog (which he will never get).

Anyway, whenever my friends and I meet, they always ask how my nephew is doing or whether there will be any Promil Kid posts anytime soon. See, he’s stealing my friends, too! That kid is evil! And the worst part is, he doesn’t know it!

Most of the time, my friends would also tell me stories about the little children in their lives. You see, most of us know a Promil Kid. It may not be my nephew but I’m sure you know a smart, know-a-hell-of-a-lot kid. And I never get tired of listening to stories about clever, cute and sometimes rude toddlers! Here are some of them.

PROMIL KIDS ARE VISUAL AND BLUNT.

Mind you, visual + blunt isn’t really a pleasant combination. Take my friend Dane’s little sister for example. A couple of years ago, at the start of classes, her mother came to class only to find out that the little girl was not there. Panicking, she looked for her all over the area and found her in another Kindergarten class. Asked why she was there, the evil kid answered, “Eh kasi yung katabi ko, tulo yung uhog! Kadiri!”

She was brought back to her original class.

The next day, the exact same thing happened. She was missing and they found her  in the other class. My friend’s mother said, “Di ba sabi ko sa’yo, dun ka sa kabilang room? Bakit andito ka?”

The girl responded, “Eh kasi yung teacher ko AMPANGET!!!”

PROMIL KIDS ARE REALISTIC!

Don’t ever mess up their reality! One day, the little sister of one of my friends was having a Science exam. The teacher specifically instructed the children to color living things brown and non-living things yellow.

This Promil Kid went home with one mistake, something that she could not accept. She was pissed.

When her mother checked where she went wrong, she realized that the girl colored the grass green and not brown.

“Bakit mo kinulayan na green? Sabi sa directions, pag living things, kulayan ng brown!”

The kid answered, “Eh sa kulay green yung grass ko eh! Pinipilit nyo ko na kulayan ng brown eh kulay green naman talaga yung grass!”

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Sundays with the Promil Kid

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Family, Humor |

Guess who’s back! I’m finding it hard to blog about my nephew, the Promil Kid, lately because I rarely see him. He’s staying at my parents’ house in Batangas and I only go there once a month. Anyway, enjoy.

image courtesy of www.cartoonfaces.net

AGNOSTIC KID

The Promil Kid is in a difficult identity situation right now. And years from now, it will require a big decision. You see, his mother (my sister) is a Roman Catholic while his dad is INC (Iglesia ni Cristo). So he goes to church twice a week. I’m agnostic so I couldn’t care less. One time, I was preparing breakfast when he walked in to the kitchen and had a small chat with me.

Yoshke: Where are you going?
Promil Kid: I’m going to church.
Yoshke: But I thought you already went yesterday.
Promil Kid: That was Mommy’s church. Now it’s time for Dad’s church.
Yoshke: Aah, I see.
Promil Kid: Tito, what’s your church?
Yoshke: I don’t have one.
Promil Kid: Huh? Why not?
Yoshke: I’m agnostic. I don’t go to church.
Promil Kid: You’re what?
Yoshke: AG-NOS-TIC
Promil Kid: So in your church, you don’t have to go to church?
Yoshke: Yes.

The Promil Kid then walked away, proceeded to the living area and sat down on the couch. He just stayed there. Minutes later, her mom came down from her room and found him there.

His Mommy: Oh, why are you still here? Your Dad’s waiting for you outside!
Promil Kid: I don’t want to go anymore!
His Mommy: Why not?
Promil Kid: I’m agnostic.

I was already eating my pancakes when my sister threw me a what-the-fuck-did-you-just-tell-him look.  “Well, he asked,” I said as-a-matter-of-fact-ly.

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The Promil Kid Got Company!

Posted on by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

Almost three years ago, just when I thought I could not handle another mischievous kid in the family, God gave us another walking mayhem. Not many of you are aware that I also have a niece. And she’s just as endearing (the kind that you wanna strangle) as my nephew.

My niece is now three years old. She’s called Natalya. My nephew’s name is Yoshke. I gave him that name. He’s now five. For the sake of this blog entry and to avoid confusion, let’s call my nephew Yoshke “Nephew,” and my niece, “Niece.”

Nephew and Niece are seldom in the same place at the same time. You see, they are not siblings. They are cousins. Nephew is my sister’s son while Niece is my brother’s daughter. But whenever they are together, they make a hilarious duo. Nephew is shy but inquisitive. Niece is a star, hence she has a star complex. She is a queen bee in the making. Maldita. Atribida. Echosera.

What happens when they are together?

TWO GLASSES

Other than fighting, one of the activities that they love doing together is drawing. My brother-in-law is a painter. Nephew got that gene. (In fact, he was Best in Art in his batch last year.) One time, I joined them in their crayon-happy session and told them to draw whatever entered my head. I asked them to draw a flower; they did. I asked them to draw a house; they did. I asked them to draw a pencil; they did.

And then I asked them to draw a glass and a plate.

Using a pencil, Nephew did it well. He colored the plate blue (like the real plate he actually uses). And then left the glass colorless. It’s transparent, anyway, so I let it go.

Niece, on the other hand, colored her plate pink. I was about to praise how well she drew the glass when she whipped out a black crayon and scribbled all over it until the glass was almost completely covered.

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?! WHAT’S THAT?” I asked.

“Black gulaman,” was her answer.

TWO MANGOES

The same thing happened when Me-Ann, their tutor, asked them to draw a ripe mango.

Nephew colored it green. “It’s not ripe yet,” he argued. “It will turn yellow later.”

Niece colored hers black. Before their tutor could even ask, she declared, “It’s already rotten.”

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The Promil Kid Goes to Church

Posted on by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

It’s been really, really difficult to feature my nephew here lately. I seldom see him since I visit Batangas once every three weeks. But finally, I have collected enough anecdotes under one theme. All it took was a little trip to Antipolo!

BLOOD OF CHRIST

When I visit Batangas, one of the tasks that I need to do is to accompany my nephew to church. At first, I was hesitant to do this because I’m agnostic and I don’t believe in religion. However, since no one actually knows about this side of mine, I don’t really have a choice.

His dad is not Catholic so he won’t take him. Other members of the family attend the 6am mass, too early and too cold for a toddler. So the burden is passed on to me every time and I pretend I enjoy the priest’s homily and endure the physical workout that is kneeling and standing every now and then..

It’s interesting to go to church with an inquisitive kid. For one, I am always careful not to mention my beliefs (or the lack thereof). His mother wants him to be raised a faithful Catholic, hence the Catholic school and his obsession to Sto. Nino.

One Sunday morning at the local church:

Nephew: Are priests drunkards?
Yoshke: Well, it’s wine. It’s healthy.
Nephew: I’m not allowed to drink wine.
Yoshke: That’s because you are a kid.
Nephew: When I grow up, I too will drink wine in front of many people.
Yoshke: No, it’s not like that. Weren’t you listening to the priest? The wine symbolizes the blood of Christ.
Nephew: The wine is the blood of Jesus’?

He looked at the statue hanging at the end of the church. It’s an image of Jesus Christ, nailed on the cross, soaked in blood. He stared at it for what was like 10 seconds and turned to me.

Nephew: Why would they want to drink that?

He began scratching his head. And I answered, “I have no idea.”

THE OLD MAN ON TV!

Last Sunday, my family and I went to the Our Lady of Peace and Good Voyage in Antipolo City, Rizal. The entire time I was with my nephew. My sister and the rest of the family went inside the church and insisted that my nephew be left with me since the place was already crowded and other devotees chose to stay outside anyways. There were TV screens outside the church so the ones outside could see the priest and what was happening inside.

I was shocked when he asked, “Tito, can we switch that to Cartoon Network? The old man is boring.

JUST CAN’T WAIT

Tito, is it over yet? Let’s go to Enchanted Kingdom now!”

It had only been 10 minutes but my nephew was already itching to go to Enchanted Kingdom in Laguna, which was next in our itinerary.

Yoshke: Well, we need to finish the mass before we could go.
Nephew: How long is this going to take?
Yoshke: Like usual. Less than an hour.
Nephew: (sad face) Why do we have to go through this?
Yoshke: We just need to.
Nephew: Why?
Yoshke: Because you won’t be allowed to enter Enchanted Kingdom without listening to the priest telling you that you have sinned.
Nephew: Why?
Yoshke: Because!
Nephew: Why?!?! (just about to throw tantrums)
Yoshke: You see that lady <points to a figure of Mama Mary in front of the church>. Well, that’s Our Lady of Enchanted Kingdom! If you don’t stay here longer, she’ll know. You won’t like that.

He behaved like an angel.

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The Promil Kid Goes to School

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, Family, Health, Humor |

I’ve been sick since Monday. Tonsilitis again. Last year, I had this seven (or eight?) times. Gaaaah. Told ya, the relationship between infections and my tonsils is almost romantic. They love each other sooo much, they might elope in the near future. But if there’s any consolation, I’m losing weight FAST! Yay for that.

Anyway… Guess who’s back!!!

BECAUSE TEPID RAIN ISN’T FROM HEAVEN

One night, I was in the middle of a barren land. A few months before, it was a cane field. Then my childhood started playing in my head again. This was where my brother and I ran kites. This was where my friends and I played softball. This was where I used to kick my football around on. But this time was different. It was a cold evening. And it was raining. And I was happy. I haven’t walked in the rain in a long, long time.

Something was wrong, though. The water was warm.

And I woke up. It was a dream. I opened my eyes. And there was my nephew. Standing on the bed. Peeing. Sleep-peeing. On me.

Cue: Abba, “…I’ll cross the stream. I have a dream….”

BECAUSE GLOATING IS FUN

If there’s one thing that my nephew didn’t get from me, that’s shame. I have always had a strong sense of shame since I was a baby. (Yeah, I never made dede in public. Haha. Weh?)

My nephew, on the other hand, does what he wants when he wants it. Like dozing off. NEVER have I ever slept at the workplace or at school. But my nephew, gaah, his classroom is his bedroom. He finds it comfy. And no matter how hard his Teacher Janna tries, he always uses Science class hour for his nap time.

So when his first Periodic Exam came last August (?), I was a little scared for him. When we passed the gates of his school, he was greeted by many of his classmates’ parents with disheartening remarks. One of them even asked my nephew sarcastically, “Oh, how are you gonna pass this test when you always sleep your way through the classes?”

I couldn’t reply. Wait there, you old hag; I’ll come up with a sinister, condescending comment, I thought. But I couldn’t. No condescending comment was thrown. I was not sure how he was gonna make through this exam, either.

When the exam was over, I asked my nephew how it was. He shrugged, “It’s okay.”

The next day, I was waiting for my nephew’s class to finish. Apparently, the papers had been checked and the results were out.

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Why Nursery Rhymes Are So Violent

Posted on by Yoshke in Conversations, History, Humor, Public Affairs, Trivia |

A few months ago, I was teaching my 4-year old nephew some nursery rhymes with a DVD. After a lot of singing, he slowly digested the story that the rhymes tell. And then he began asking rather uncomfortable questions.

image courtesy of littlefolkspuzzle.com

One of the first rhymes I taught him was Humpty Dumpty.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses, And all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!

He might have finally understood the rhyme when he gasped and said curiously, “Did he die?”

“Well,” I replied, “he’s an egg. Who cares?”

“I like eggs. Did they cook Humpty Dumpty?”

“Maybe. Who knows?” He looked sorry but we went on singing. And then there was Rock-A-Bye Baby.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

And again, my nephew asked, “Tito, did the baby die?”

“I hope not. But it was just a baby and it fell from a tree. So… Poor baby.”

“Why was the baby on top of the tree?”

“I dunno. Maybe it was a baby koala bear,” I dodged, not realising that a-koala-cub-in-a-cradle was a very stupid thought. But really, my nephew was right, why the hell is the baby on the tree top, anyway?

I went on teaching him more nursery rhymes. Itsy Bitsy Spider. Pop Goes the Weasel. Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater. Old King Cole. Baa Baa Black Sheep.

I’ve always noticed that many of our nursery rhymes are actually very violent. I don’t usually give a damn. But my nephew was smart enough to understand what he was singing and sensitive enough to actually feel for the characters. After almost every rhyme I taught him, he would ask me what happened to the character.

  • to Peter’s wife whom he kept inside a pumpkin. (Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater)
  • to the itsy-bitsy spider after going up the spout again (Itsy Bitsy Spider)
  • to the three blind mice after the farmer’s wife cut off their tails (Three Blind Mice)
  • to the four and twenty blackbirds that were baked in a pie (Sing a Song of Sixpence)
  • to Jack who fell down and to Jill who tumbled after (Jack and Jill)

I had to remind my nephew that it was bad to make fun of blind people (or blind mice, for that matter) and that pies don’t have dead black birds in them (at least, not usually). And guess what my nephew said after Jack and Jill. “Tito, did they die?”

Thank God he didn’t ask how many people were killed when the London Bridge fell down.

But even before this incident, I’ve always been wondering why these nursery rhymes have a sort of violent theme. Glenn once told me that they reflect history — what was happening at the time of the rhyme’s creation. It was only five minutes ago when I did some research and this is what I have found.

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Yet Another Promil Kid Attack

Posted on by Yoshke in Family, Humor |

Mumbling: I wanna saint your mother just for giving you birth…
Humming: If That’s Okay With You – Shayne Ward
Related Posts: Never Mess With Promil Kids | The Promil Kid Strikes Back | The Promil Kid Strikes Back Again

Utterly famished, I went straight to the kitchen swearing that I would gorge on the first food that I would see. I rummaged through the refrigerator and found a pack of jumbo Tender Juicy hotdogs. I grabbed a pan, greased it, and cooked the lovely hotdogs sending a greatly delightful smell up to my room where my 3-year old nephew was staying.

Soon after, I heard my nephew’s footsteps as he ran down the stairs.

“Tito, are those my hotdogs?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“You’re bad. You didn’t tell me you would cook my hotdogs. Those are mine. I hate you. You didn’t ask for my permission.”

“Oh okay. Sorry.”

He just stood at the kitchen door. Not feeling guilty whatsoever, I just continued cooking his hotdogs. After minutes, I noticed that he was still standing there looking at me. I began feeling uncomfortable. I looked at him again, and he was still giving me that I-hate-you look. No, it was the I-really-hate-you look.

So, out of total discomfort, I faced him and said sarcastically, “Fine. Can I have some of your hotdogs?”

He answered, “Sure.” Then, he ran upstairs back to my room.

Ampotah, ganun lang pala kadali kausap yun?

# # #

My sister bought my nephew a full Batman costume for the Halloween. That’s one of my major influences on him. He doesn’t like Superman or Spiderman, he adores Batman. And that’s nice.

He excitedly grabbed the costume and wore it right away. We were pleased to see that it fit him perfectly. However, he did not want to take it off. It would’ve been nice but it happened two weeks before the Halloween. But since he was throwing tantrums every time we would mention taking it off, we just let him play around in that fancy Batman costume with some kids in the neighbourhood.

Ignoring the heat and the sultry atmosphere, he wore that costume all day long. He was really in love with it that even when he had dinner and watched his favourite cartoon shows, he was still wearing it. Finally, bedtime. He still wouldn’t take it off.

So I said, “You know what? Since you like pretending to be Batman, why don’t you sleep upside down with your feet glued to the ceiling?”

He pouted and answered, “Tito, I’m Batman. I’m not a bat.”

Tama nga naman.

Related Posts:
Never Mess With Kids (Especially Promil Kids)
The Promil Kid Strikes Back
The Promil Kid Strikes Back. Again.
image courtesy of amazon.com

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