My college friends and I used to have a barkada forum and a blog. We used to post there absolutely anything that we could think of. Simple things like our dreams. Crazy things like our own dictionary. And weird things like how we prefer to kill cockroaches when we see one.
One of my college friends called my attention to a certain blog post we posted back in the day. I’d actually forgotten about it already. But now that I’m reading it again, I just can’t help laughing. And I’m sharing it with you. However, I apologize to all my Pinoy readers as some parts are in Tagalog and I kept it that way. Translating it would just ruin it.
HOW TO TORTURE AN IPIS
by Pam Condeno
1. Pour Green Cross alcohol.
2. Get encyclopedia and drop it right on the target. Make sure it finds itself in a very AWKWARD situation where it will render itself confused, disturbed, and a bit in a vertigo state.
3. Make sure when it flies, you have an alcohol with you and swish it to make it pilay.
HOW TO KILL IPIS (especially with wings)
by KZ Ottara
1. Camouflage with the wall
2. Grab a slipper
3. ATTACK!!!
4. Step on the slipper to make piga
5. LEAVE OVERNIGHT FOR MORE FLAVOR!
HOW TO KILL COCKROACHES IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE HOUSE
by Reen Ladignon
1. Slam foot on ipis. (Said foot should be wearing a shoe or slipper.)
2. If ipis is on wall, take off shoe or slipper and make sapak the ipis.
3. If ipis is on kisame, get walis and swish at the ipis to make it fall down. Then proceed to number 1 or 2.
4. If Reen sees ipis while she is washing dishes outside their house, then she makes squirt-squirt it with dishwashing liquid and pours the dirty water on it. See them scatter. If ipis crawls near the hand, grab the nearest kawali and slap it on the ipis. Do nothing if it crawls down the drain.
5. If ipis is flying, grab a Baygon can and spray mercilessly towards the ipis. You will be momentarily disgusted at seeing the legs of the ipis in all their glory nearing toward you—but then you will soon have the satisfaction seeing the ipis make gewang-gewang as it falls to the ground.
All done while screaming like a headless chicken.
HOW TO MASSACRE A COCKROACH
(with illustrations which unfortunately cannot be replicated here)
by Glenn Ituriaga
1) Grab the ipis by the feelers.
2) Make hulog the ipis in a bottle of muriatic acid. Plug the bottle.
3) Turn the bottle upside-down and watch the ipis slowly melt away…
YOU’RE SO KADIRS (An Open Letter to an Ipis)
by Ace Mella
Bago mag-alas nueve ng gabi…
Oh ipis. You’re so kadirs. That’s why I can’t touch you. That’s why I can’t get near you. That’s why I can’t make buhos the Green Cross, make tapak the you, make hampas, make sabon, make tunaw, not even make hawak.
All I can do is stare while you crawl oh so near, wishing so hard that thou shall not go super near as in almost touching the skin of mine. ‘Coz you’re so kadirs.
But despite this what I said when thou tries to invade the privacy of mine, for example, making paramdam whilst I speaking on the phone, especially during the wee hours of the night, I shall summon all courageousness of mine, grab a shoe, a slipper, or a frying pan, and smash thee and all thy kadiriness.
Only wish the I that thy green juiciness shall not dikit on the murder weapon of mine.
‘Coz you’re so kadirs.
Always,
Ace
HOW TO KILL IPIS THE VINCE WAY
by Vince Lampa
I like to flip it over with my slipper and when it’s in an AWKWARD situation, I pour alcohol on it. The ipis twitches until it dies. Also, you can use liquid soap, toothpaste, or shampoo. Oh yes, also Joy TM dishwashing liquid!
HOW TO KILL A COCKROACH
by Leo Valencia
1. Buy the RAID Cockroach Killer TM. It kills even after two weeks! Amazing isn’t it.
2. You hunt for the place where they lounge (i.e. under tables and chairs, near the garbage can, behind refrigerators, water dispensers, and other huge static objects).
3. Wait for a couple of minutes and you will see the effects. One by one they’ll fall to the floor unconscious.
Do not be deceived!!! Cockroaches sometimes fake their death so that you would leave them alone. For assurance, drop an encyclopedia (refer to Pam’s entry), or make buhos alcohol (a la Vince).
HOW I KILLED 3 COCKROACHES, A Poem
by Pam Condeno, the Ipis Queen
Heavy rain made the ipises come out
13 arrived at my house
Big, fat, flying ipises bombarded it
So I got 3 encyclopedias
But first I wore my Jazz Pants
Then my jacket with the hood and then I cried
Got the Green Cross alcohol and
Dropped it onto the ipises
So they were all SMASHED.
So which method of killing ipis is your favorite? You can join the fun, too. How do you kill cockroaches? Share na. Now na!
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