“What’s on your mind?”
Every night, while lying in bed before we go to sleep and I’m unusually quiet, you’d look at me and ask, “What’s on your mind?” I’d answer with a dismissing, “Wala lang. (Nothing.)” And then, we’d talk about something else.
The truth is, I wasn’t thinking about nothing. I was thinking about you.
Have you ever wondered why I would always make sure you go to sleep before me? That’s because I love looking at you while you’re in dreamland. I would look at you, just look at you. And then I’d just find myself praying, “God, what good did I do to deserve him?”
The funny thing is, I’m not even sure if I believe in God, but I believe in you. You are real. Your love for me is real. Nothing is more real than this. What good did I do to deserve this?
I’d lool for reasons. I would consider the moment I looked for the woman who dropped her pouch when I was at a shopping center in my hometown. Or my yearly habit of donating clothes and books to kids at an orphanage in Taal, Batangas. Or that I usually volunteer. But no, they are not good enough. You are bigger than all of them combined.
I got scared sometimes. I’d think, maybe the question I should be asking was “What bad did you do to deserve me?” Or maybe this happiness actually came with misery that I was yet to feel. Worst, “What if I don’t deserve you at all?”
That’s what ran through my head every night when we were about to sleep or when I watched you sleep. I couldn’t figure it out. I was looking for a reason you’re mine.
I woke up today with a smile. Last night I had an epiphany. Screw karma; screw it. Who cares if I deserve you or not? Who cares if you deserve me? Who cares why you’re here? What matters is you ARE here, you are mine, and I’ll be the biggest idiot if I ever let you go.
When you see me looking at you like that again, there’s no need to ask me what I’m thinking and why I’m not saying anything. I’ll say it now. When you’re looking at the best thing that ever happened to you, the most beautiful man, your one and only source of inspiration, there really isn’t much to say but this, “Thank you.”
Happy 15 months.