From Emo

My insecurities, fears, frustrations and other personal issues that bother me and challenge my sanity.

Define Euphoria

National List of Passers 2007 FOREIGN SERVICE OFFICER WRITTEN EXAMINATIONS Held 19-21 December 2007 (Released: 29 August 2008) Department of Foreign Affairs – Philippines Gaaawd. Just when I start envying my friends (especially Bebs) for reaching new heights in their careers, something like this comes my way. From a thousand examinees, now we’re down to 58. (Yeah, the mortality rate in FSO Exam makes us all go suicidal.) I didn’t expect this. I absolutely hoped for it but not expected. I mean, come on, the questions were like: Formulate an ECONOMIC policy for the Philippine Embassy in Paris and back…

Domestic Plight

A grim incident has transformed our home into a mini-hospital. The air inside the house is perfumed with microbicides and alcohol. Trash bins are brimming with used bandages and cotton balls. Rooms are adorned with antibiotics and painkillers lying around. The coffee table is covered with CT scan results and X-Ray plates. And almost every day, visitors come pouring in with foods and gifts. Yes, our house has suddenly become a hospital. This is because last Tuesday, almost a mile away from our house, there was a horrible road accident. My mother and my brother were in it. Fortunately, everyone…

The Art of Losing isn’t Hard to Master*

“The art of losing isn’t hard to master,” says one poem. My high school friends always told me that if there was one thing that they admired about me, it was my ability to ALWAYS look on the bright side. True, I was like that. But something robbed me of that optimism. I kind of lost myself somewhere. On New Year’s Eve, I was about to go to the kitchen when I tripped on my toe. It was excruciating. But then, I made myself believe that I needed that pain to start the year right, so that everything I would…

Never Have I Ever Regretted a Drink

Last Friday our team had a party at Lauren‘s place as a part of our semimonthly office gatherings. There were lotsa fun, food, and of course booze. Among my officemates, there were only a few people who knew about my sexuality — Bridget, who used to be my classmate in UP; Aika, who is also from UP; Chemae, who said she could be bisexual so I confessed to her, too; and Jon, a straight guy whom I volunteered the information to when we were having a drink two weeks ago. But I’m sure others had a clue. I mean, with…

I’m in Pain

BREATHE IN, DAMN IT! My nasty lungs are giving me the torture of the century. Every effin’ breath hurts. Damn. And now I’m imposing a cigarette ban on myself. For now. A TALE OF MY BLOODY TOENAIL My right big toe is swollen. I got ingrown toenails, and I had been complaining about it since, like, forever but I couldn’t do anything because I was afraid it would bleed. And you know how I react when I get up close and personal with blood. Aargh. My housemate told me to forget about shoes for a while. What?! Are you kidding me?…

Hollow Life

This is a (handwritten) journal entry I wrote on February 19 this year. I just came across this page and it’s just nice to look back into my thoughts: It’s not that I lack dopamine right now because I swear my cigarettes make sure I get my daily dose, but I really feel empty. This is not one of my drama moments. I just feel there’s something missing in my life, or something I still haven’t got. And I need to have it badly. I don’t know what it is exactly — or what they are. The problem with me…

Let there be space.

Here’s a cart and fill it with everything on display: those African love birds that you find too noisy; those cool keep-out and hands-off signs that you never respect; those royal purple undies you have always disgusted; those designer clothes you enjoy to bash harshly; those elegant jewelry you keep complaining about; those blue roses that you are allergic to; those leather shoes that make you stumble; that exquisite bed you choose to avoid sleeping in; that velvet rope you say you can hang yourself with; that silver pen that can write only my name; that wrapped gift you left…